My Life As It Is..

5 years ago

2010-05-18T03:59:00.000-07:00

15 September 2005. The day when I left my family and close friends behind. I can still remember what I wear on that day. A plain white formal shirt and black slack (which I can no longer fit today. Hehe) Donned with a black blazer on top (looking at the blazer now, I wonder why I even bought it in the first place!) With an extremely hard-to-put-on black and white scarf covering my head.

I can still remember how Papa gone mad at me for buying a suit without a pocket. "Mana nak letak awak punya passport and tickets nanti!?" He said. Haha. He ended up buying me a new handbag at the airport, a handbag that I still treasure til now (despite the fact a hole is growing larger at the corner of the bag. How I managed to get a hole in my handbag? Don't ask)

I remembered not knowing anyone at the airport. There were Capau, Nazri and Kenny whom I recognized but was not acquainted at that time. We ended up sitting in a row in the airplane. I don't think I cried in the plane. I think I cried a lot when I was bidding my goodbye to my family at the airport. I was too exhausted to cry again in the plane.

Arrived at Manchester Airport for the very first time. It felt so surreal. I was in UK. The wind was icy cold. I was literally shivering down my spine. By the time we got there, we took a cab to someone's house in Manchester for dinner. I was too knackered at that time, I did not even feel like eating. It was so nice of those people though to cook for a herd of complete strangers.

After dinner, we got a lift from Kak Ros and his husband all the way to Sheffield. In the car, Kak Ros was trying to show us around. I remembered her saying something about Peak District. It was too dark anyway at that time, hence making it almost impossible to figure out what is what from inside the car. I was too dizzy anyway at that time, not liking the winding road to Sheffield. I forced myself to sleep, knowing that that was the only way to stop myself from vomiting inside a nice stranger's car.

It was almost midnight when we arrived Sheffield. I was sent to 5 Filey to stay for the night. I stayed there for a few nights actually before moving in to my proper house. That night was the first time I got to know De'e and Jang, whom apparently went to KMB as well. Haha. Man, I seriously do not mix around well when I was in KMB. I slept like a log on Kak Syafa's comfy king size bed. Completely ignoring the fact that I will be waking up the next day to a new beginning of a new chapter of my life.

Sigh. That was 5 years ago?! Really? I am going to miss all of these. Definitely.

Last day as medical student!

2010-04-28T08:05:00.001-07:00

Oh gosh. My blog has been collecting dust. Again. Dah bersawang siap. Haha. I just don't feel like writing.

Anyway, today is my very last day in medical school. To be exact, today is my very last day I will be going to the hospital with the Student Doctor badge hanging around my neck.

Headed off to Barnsley today with Alice and the others for our feedback session. It took us 40 minutes to get to Barnsley by car, and the session last for not more than 10 minutes. Which, frankly, was downright annoying! But, all in all, the session today marked our last day of placement. Last day of medical school. I am not sure if it was smiles or frowns that I see plastered on my mates faces today. Maybe a bit of both. Smiling because this means no more placements. Wohoo. Frowning because this means EXAMS! Boooooooooooooooooo.

After the session, we headed off to Alice's car. Once she started her engine, the song Celebration popped up in the radio. We all looked at each other and smiled. Haha. "This is a good sign" said Louise. Hahahhaah. Maybe it is. Maybe it is. Ben suggested we go somewhere to celebrate. Alice thought we should have a cake. However, in the end, after the song ends, we decided we should stick our heads to the books til exams are over. Hahah. Reality check. Wise decision, mates.

Where has my 5 years gone to? Has it really been 5 years? MasyaAllah, how time flies.

I can still remember my very first day in Medical School. Being an alien in a crowd of 250 people. Knowing completely no one at all. Sitting right at the back of the lecture theatre for our very first induction lecture. Clueless. Lonely. Scared. You name it.

And then I spotted two girls in hijab and thought that they looked friendly. I can still remember catching them in front of the RHH entrance, asking them if it is OK for me to tag along with them. Haha. I was flustered with a sense of relief when they said yes. Haha. And that's the start of a beautiful friendship.

I was so timid in my first year. I barely speak. I smiled, tried to be nice and friendly. The only people I talked to was my ILA mate and my 3 friends. Haha.

I cried a lot in my first year. I cried for a lot of things. I cried when I see my other friends in different universities hanging out with their Malaysian friends. I cried when I feel like I has no one to turn to. Heck, I even almost cried when I went to ASDA with my housemates because pushing the trolley in ASDA reminds me of going grocery shopping with my mom at Giant supermarket back home. Hahhaha. Now, that was random.

I remembered going home crying when one of my mates insisted on having a meeting in a pub opposite the hospital. They offered alcohol and I refused, rather persistently. I did not feel right at all when I was in the pub. Why on earth do we have to do a meeting in a pub when we have all of the other places in the world to go to. But after that incident, I learned to explain to them that I prefer to go elsewhere for group meeting. The wonderful thing is they are completely OK with this. Whenever we are going out for a night out or a meeting, they never fail to ask if I am OK with the food or with the place. Aren't they just the sweetest thing?

My circle of friends only started to grow when I started my clinical placements. Which was in Phase 2. During placements, I was randomly allocated to different group of people. Having different partners and different mates for each rotation certainly allows me to get to know more people. And I am quite please with that.

A lot of things has happened in the past 5 years. I don't know how I managed to sail through medical school. (Well, not yet, but insyaAllah, I'm getting there in 3 weeks time!!!) What I know is I am not alone, because Allah is always there for me. If not for Him, I would not have gone this far. If not for Him, I would have surrendered ages ago. If not for Him, I would not be the person I am today.

What doesn't break you makes you stronger. Definitely.

And now, I am left with only a couple weeks before OSCEs. So, if you find me not smiling when I bump into you, or not joining the conversation when everyone else seems to be talking, or not laughing at your jokes when everyone else is laughing, do understand that I am not being rude. My mind is simply occupied and I just could not be bothered with anything else. I am sorry! I will be nicer after I finish my exam, I promise. Hehe. Even nicer if I pass :)

Who needs a break?

2010-03-19T09:10:00.000-07:00

Easter holiday has officially started. Well, at least for the non final year medics in Sheffield, it has. Yes, as sad as it sounds, I do not get a break this Easter. Apparently, we, final year medics, do not need a break from all of the strenuous placements and assessments for the past 3 months because we are made out of iron. We are expected to continue with the remaining 6 weeks of placement, which involves going in for placements (and I will be chucked in peripherals for this last placement and I know I will be missing the abundance of freedom that I am enjoying from my current placement) and not forgetting the hype of preparing for our final OSCES, without a holiday because we do not need a holiday.

After these placements, we have 6 days (?!) off for reading week, and then we will just go and sit for our exams. And then we have a week off to go all crazy and burn ourselves under the hot summer sun, but i expect this one week will be filled with frequent episodes of palpitations, insomnia, and maybe even a few bouts of hyperventilation as we will be getting our results in a week time. If we pass, insyaAllah, we will go straight in for another 2 weeks of shadowing in the hospital where we will be working and only then, FINALLY, we have our break.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.

When the safest place is not safe anymore

2010-02-20T13:09:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, the most unthinkable thing happened.

My day started off quite nicely. I woke up an hour late than usual and consequently was 40 minutes late to hospital. It was my last day of my first out of three final placements as a medical student. Right after I got Dr Donnelly to sign off my proforma, I headed straight home. Smiling, delighted that I have the rest of the day off.

Later in the afternoon, I decided to join Zatil & Zalina for the new netball jersey hunt at The Moor. Alhamdulillah, we found this one beautiful jersey and all three of us fell in love with us at first sight. Hehe. Later, we headed off to Costa for a cup of coffee.

Around 5, we rushed back home and I had to pray Maghrib and cook within 1 hour. It was one hectic hour, but alhamdulillah, I managed to finish cooking by 7 pm. Within a few minutes, I scrambled to gear up for netball practise and headed off to Springfield. We played til 9 ish and we were joking and bantering around, completely unaware of the unfortunate incident that is about to happen in an hour time.

I headed off home with Zatil, and by the time we got to the front of my house, I was shocked. Our front door was left ajar. Zatil and I cautiously walked into the house, giving salam as loud as possible but nobody answered. I went into Azian's room, and found Alina sitting at Azian's study table. Azian was no where to be seen. I asked her if she knows who was the one who did not close the front door, but she was clueless about it. I went upstairs to Mira's room and asked Mira and Tima the same question, only to get the same answer. "No, we don't know".

At that time, I did not think much of it. Perhaps one of them forgot to close the door properly. Maybe that is all it is. Hence, without further ado, I went down to have dinner with Zatil in the kitchen. Around 10 ish, I walked her to the door and bade my goodbye. And I personally close the door, tight. Confident that the door was locked, I went into Azian's room to talk to Alina and Tima. I spent roughly less than 5 minutes with them in Azian's room, which is the closest to the main door.

As I walked out of Azian's room, again I found myself in shock. The front door was opened. Again. Finding it completely bizzare, I slammed the door shut and walked up to my room. Without thinking much, I switched on the light and that was when the horror begun. I found a big built white man slouching over my bed. What the......???? The only thing I remember doing was screaming my lungs out. For some reason, I found my legs frozen, unable to run or hide from this stranger who is in my bedroom.

He himself was suprised with my shouting. He quickly dropped off whatever he was holding and ran off, walking merely a few inches past me. The next thing that I remember was I screamed at him "What the h*ll are you doing here?" I did not know where I had the courage to say that. His answer was completely unacceptable. "My friend gave me the wrong address"And he kept saying sorry as he tried to run out of my house.

Immediately right after he left, I went down to talk to Alina and Tima. As I walked down the stairs, I found my old Guess wristwatch (which is completely old) and Eica's mobile phone and pouch lying on the stairs. I knew immediately that these must have been the things that he was trying to rob from us. Mira got out of her room eventually and I told them about what happened.

Later, Azian got home with a few other mates after I rang her to tell her about the incident. Eica and Qilote also got home a few minutes later, saying that they saw a man suspicously lurking around the corner of our house. From their description, it sounds like the same man.

The cops came within 30 minutes later. I told them what happened and tried to describe that guy as best as I can. I obviously could not really remember much as I was too afraid at that time. I found myself shaking the whole night. Everytime I walked into my room, I kept imagining that guy bending over at the corner of my bed. I tried to sleep last night, but could not shake the memory out of my head. All of the "What ifs.." popped into my head and that brought shivers down my spine.

However, alhamdulillah, nobody was hurt and nothing was taken.

Who would have thought that I would have such an awful ending to such a lovely day?

The time is near

2010-02-12T13:13:00.000-08:00

Oh my. My blog has been collecting dust. It has been so long since I scribbled a thing or two in this blog of mine.

I passed my written finals, alhamdulillah. Now, I am in my third week of my first four-weeks placement. Am currently doing Gastro in Northern. Which I find is quite interesting. Although majority of the patients that we see in what-is-supposed-to-be a Gastro ward do not present with gastro problems and hence I am not really achieving my goal to brush up my knowledge on gastro, but I still do enjoy my placement. Instead of learning pure gastro, I get to polish my knowledge on general medicine as a whole. I also find it quite challenging, which is a plus. A patient could come in with anything listed in our thick Kumar and Clark textbook, hence we have to always be prepared.

Our knowledge has got to be tip top by now. Supposedly, by now, we should know everything by heart. Ask us anything; the signs, symptoms, management, prevention; and we should come up with an answer straight away. The right answer to be exact. Well, that is at least what that is expected of us. Huhu. I have not reached that level, well at least not yet. I am still struggling to apply the theories that I have learnt into practical. Which I find is one big challenge. But I guess with practise, I will get there. I hope.

I am no longer merely a figure joining a crowd during the consultant ward round. Now, I am actually a part of the team. Which means I carry a small responsibility to the patients on wards. I am in charge of either writing down notes in the patients' notes during ward round. And oh man, to write whilst standing with one hand supporting a thick patient's notes is not easy. And apparently my consultant speaks at the speed of a bullet train, so that does not make it easier for me as well. I always feared that I might have wrote things wrongly or miss something extremely important!! And I do not like to see my handwriting turning extremely ugly because I had to write at a fast speed, which I am not used to. Oh well, hopefully I will get use to it with time insyaAllah.

I've wrote my first TTO. I've also arranged my first referral to a clinic. I've answered my first bleep when I was on call with my F1. I've ordered my first USS. And I think there will be more of 'my-first' to come, insyaAllah. Everything is just surreal. The time is near.

All the best, dear self.

Done for now

2010-01-19T12:06:00.000-08:00

Only today, I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulder. I had just finished my final exam last Friday, and had 2 wonderful days off. And on Monday, I was all stressed out again as I was busy preparing for my deanery interview on Tuesday. I was SO not in the mood to prepare for the interview cause I feel like my post-exam freedom has been robbed by this interview! However, realizing that I would not want to ended up making a complete fool of myself in front of the interviewers, I decided to push the rebellious part of me aside, and sit down and read up for the interview.

The interview was today. I have to go all the way to Hull for the interview. Funny story, due to my stupidity, I missed the 7 am coach provided by the university. I was confused with the timetable posted by medical school. First it said 7.30 am. Then it changed to 7 am due tp the heavy snow. And now that it is not snowing, being a fool, I thought they have changed it back to 7.30 am. Without confirming with my fellow colleagues, I left home at 7 am, thinking that the bus would leave at 7.30. When I reached the bus stop and found neither of my colleagues were there, I sensed that I had made a stupid mistake. I laughed at my self for my own careless mistake. Alhamdulillah, my interview was at 12 noon so I had plenty of time to get myself to Hull by train. Alhamdulillah, I was surpised with myself for being so calm about it. Hahha.

So I took the train to Hull and it was a pleasant one hour and 30 minutes journey. Along the way, heavy mists covered the air, making it almost impossible to see! I felt as if I am on a plane, flying amongst the white clouds. Seriously. The visibility was really poor this morning. As I arrived Hull, I decided not to do anything stupid again, so I decided to hitch a bus ride to the KC Stadium, where the interview was held, instead of walking. That was one wise decision. Because it was one long journey, even by bus!

The kind bus driver and a kind lady directed me to the Stadium. It was almost impossible to walk and find my way in the heavy mists. Guided with His help, I managed to walk through the cloud of mist. I walked and walked and could not stop praying that I am on the right path. Seriously, I could see only very very vaguely. Never had I had such an experience before. I just walked forward blindly and only realized that I have reached the stadium when I am right in front of the stadium. Even a building as HUGE as this stadium could not be seen. MasyaAllah. I shuddered, thinking of the Almighty.

I arrived around 1040 am. Registered myself and went straight in to the waiting room. At first, I thought I was underdressed. I was not wearing a full suit, thinking that this is more like an OSCE exam rather than an interview. I relaxed a little bit later when I realized that only the guys donned in suit, whilst the majority of ladies just dress smart. Alhamdulillah, I was thanking Allah for giving me a knock in my head and preventing me from wearing a colourful top and scarf which I initially planned to wear for today. I would have looked like an outcast as everyone was in black and white. Hahaha.

The wait was a killer. I had to wait for 2 hours for my turn. Silently, I was thankful that I missed the early coach. If I did get on that 7 am coach, I would be dying of boredom for 5 hours, desperately waiting for my number to be called in. I might have vomited bile as well. Haha. So, I did not have much time to freak out or have a nervous break down within that 2 hours. I was a bit nervous, do not get me wrong. But, a bit of nervousness is good. It is abnormal I think not to be nervous at all for an interview. Unless you are a robot. Maybe then that would be normal.

I was called in at 1230. The three stations passed by extremely fast, that I did not even realized that I have been talking for the past 7 minutes. We had OSCE like stations for our interview and they allocated 7 minutes for each. It was OK, I guess. Well, my first station did not went so well. I was talking too much. Aigo. Consequently, the interviewer did not get to ask all of her questions on time. But the other 2 stations were not bad.

By the time I left the third station, I let out a huge sigh of relief. I could not belief I was done! Finally, I am freeeeee. Well, at least until Thursday. Cause that's when I am going to get my exam results. And then I will be back in placements again next Monday. Wohoo? Hehe

In the end of the day, I think I have done my best. Both for my exams and for my interview. What's left for me to do now is to pray and pray really hard to Allah, hoping the he would take care of everything for me. As He is the ultimate planner and executor. To Him, I surrender.

One down, one more to go!

2010-01-14T09:15:00.000-08:00

I had my first final written exam this morning.

The night before, I slept early, hoping that I would be all fresh and energized on the next day. But, suddenly around 3 in the morning, I woke up and could not get back to sleep. I squeezed my eyes tight, hoping that would make me sleep but failed. Suddenly the thoughts of MEQ paper seeped into my mind and that made things worst. Out of control, one after another disease popped into my head, and I was somehow forced to plan out the proper diagnosis and management plan. That gave me a panic attack and I ended up with a palpitation and was hyperventilating. Ya Allah, never had I had such a horrible panic attack.

Later alhamdulillah, after calming myself down, I managed to get some sleep. Not really decent sleep though because I ended up stuck in a nightmare of me where everything goes crazy and I almost missed my exams. Out of no where I was back in KMB, but all of my siblings were around. My mom was there too. And things go haywire and I woke up, feeling really alarmed. I looked at my handphone and let out a huge sigh of relief. It was only 5 am. I did not miss my exams. Huhuhu. I did not realize I was this anxious about this exams!

Then I woke up for Fajr and left home around 8 in the morning. Went to Syd's place as promised. Debbie was kind enough to give us a lift to the exams. I was thankful for that cause that saved me from walking in the crippling cold weather. Not to mention the deadly, slippery ice. We got in the car and Debbie tried to get her car out of her carpark, but thanks to the ice, she did not managed. Alhamdulillah, two nice men came out from a pub nearby and helped us out. At first, even the two strong guys did not manage to give the car a push. In the end, we all had to get out of the car and gave the car a push, and yeay, alhamdulillah, we managed. Allah has sent those two guys to help us out, just in time. We could not be more than grateful for that.

We arrived 30 minutes early and the exam hall was already flocked with medics. The paper itself was OK, I guess. One thing that bugged me most was a question about the anatomy of kidney surface marking. We were to draw the surface marking on a diagram, which I did. What I did not remember was the name of the line where it lies. I put down transpyloric line, which I knew even back then that it was so wrong because I knew that was the surface marking for gallbladder. Not kidney. But somehow I put it anyway. And out of no where, the word Addisson started to pop in my head. It pop a number of times, and I did not know why but I simply brushed it aside. Only to find out later that the answer to that question is of course, Addisson's line. I felt like knocking my head on the wall.

All in all, it was not so bad. But the more I keep thinking about the paper, the more I find silly mistakes that I've made and it is killing meeeee. I should stop doing that and focus for tomorrow's EMQ. I have to nail this cause I so want to pass this exams.

I think I have tried my very best for my MEQ. And there is nothing else left for me to do but to leave it in the hands of Allah and hope for the best. Let's nail tomorrow's paper, insyaAllah!

Oh why do we have to have exams!

2010-01-07T01:51:00.000-08:00

Oh wow. My finals is in 7 days time. And I am already drained. A part of me is dying to get this done and over with. I am sick of revision. I am sick of sticking my head in the books. I want to be able to do things that I like without having guilt tagging along like a parasite. I spend my 20 minutes break watching a comedy, and I felt a pang of guilt. I spend longer time hanging around with my housemates during dinner time and I felt guilt crunching deep inside. I can even feel guilt creeping now as I am writing this entry! Urghhhhhh. However, another part of me knocks the other part of me on the head and says I am not ready yet!

Oh, will I ever be ready? Everytime I read something, there is more for me to read! It just keeps snowballing.

I don't have any idea how all of those things that I have studied managed to cram in my little brain. Hopefully they are still in there. Hold on tight, guys. Do not leave me! Not now. Not ever. Oh crap I sound like a schizophrenic now. I am talking to my brain. Yikes!

Ok Aliaa. Get back to books.

Smile and be pretty, my dear

2009-12-31T05:26:00.000-08:00

The first time I got to know you was waayyyy back when we were in our ribena years. The time when everything else in the world doesn't matter. Hingus meleleh. Rambut gebang gebang. Baju comot sebab tumpah makanan. Omigod, if I were to look back at the picture of us when we were small, I would be stupendous! Hahahah. But oh well, that was us back then, living in our own untouched perfect world, not giving a damn about anything else in the world. I miss back then, when even the most ridiculously simplest thing gave us joy. I miss rushing back home after sekolah agama to play getah with you at our playground. I miss skipping my duty as a prefect to play getah and ting ting during recess with you and our gang, consequently causing me to lose my position as a prefect. Hahahha. Malas lagi. Padan muka.

And we both went to the same secondary school. You have your group of friends and I have mine. But still, we remain close friends. I think the fact that our house is like less than a mile apart keep our friendship still going. I remembered walking to school with you early in the morning, at 7.10 am to be precise. Hehe. And walking home with you from school. Almost always you were the one who had to go for the detour. I think I can count with my fingers the number of time I sent you off first. Hahah. Oh I am bad.

And then after high school, we took our driving lisence together. And both of us failed the first time we took it. Hahahha. BUT, both of us managed to pass on second try. Heheh. And we were both, INITIALLY, scared to drive. I remembered that incident where we were stopped by that stupid man on the Subang's flyover on the way back from Pyramid because I overtook his car a bit too closely. That incidence gave me shivers up til now. But now, amazingly you have overcome your fear to drive and has become a great driver!! Kudos to you. Hehhehe. I am still stuck at the passenger seat, for now. Am slowly regaining my confidence to drive again, though. At snail speed that is.

And then we are thousand miles apart. And each of us live our own lives and only get to meet at least once a year during my summer holiday. Eventhough we do not get to talk as much or hang out as much over the years, I still do treasure you as one of my very bestfriends.

And tomorrow you will be someone else's. And I am so happy for you. I really am. You are getting marrieddddd!!!!

Sad as well, to be honest, knowing that I won't be there on your big day. You know I would do anything to fly home and witness the most important day in your life. I wouldn't miss it for the world. But, tough luck, my finals is at stake. If not because of it, I would already be there, tagging you around like a nosy b**ch, eager to be included in the most important day of your life.

So tomorrow, just smile and be pretty, my dear. I am sure you will be a beautiful bride. Can't wait for the pictures!!!

p/s: Just make sure you can attend my wedding ok. Hehehhe.

Love you to bits bebeh.

Muah muah muah

XOXO

A year has passed :)

2009-12-25T12:06:00.000-08:00

I've just got my results for my phase 3A exams and decided to reward myself with a new Canon camera which I ADORE so much. This was the first picture taken using that camera. This was taken whilst waiting for the train to Manchester to arrive.

After waiting anxiously for almost 2 hours at the airport, they finally arrived! Yeay! Heheh. Papa with his plastic-wrapped luggage. Classic. Hehhehe

1st day in Manchester. Both father and son apparently still sleeping whilst the mother and daugthers all already hyped up to start on with the journey! Breakfast on the first day in Manchester was roti canai (papa brought the frozen ones all the way from Malaysia. hehe) and the a-bit-too-spicy nasi goreng which I cooked.

This is one of the oh-so-cute-i-want-to-pinch-her-cheek daughters of the hosts. We bunked at two separate houses, which was just side by side as they were too many of us!

First stop was Manchester city. And this was where I dropped my newly bought camera. I almost cried! And apparently I dropped and lost my railcard here as well. Oh, dammit.

After spending a good few hours strolling around the city, we headed to Izyan's place to rest. We fought for Subway, watched papa showing his skills with the fries, we (ie Me, Izyan, Eza and Yana) hang around and talk and laugh like 4 mad people in the lounge room when papa and others were fast asleep in Izyan's room. When we went to the room, we found Papa, Mama and Mohd all curled up on a ridiculously tiny single bed! How they manage to do that still puzzle us. Hehe.

We had dinner at Rusholme and headed off to Moonlight for dessert. Yum Yum.

Yes neither of us are football fans. Haha. But we still acted as if we are interested in Manchester United. Oh at least, I did. Haha. Including this trip, I had been to the stadium 3 times. So that might explain the lack of enthusiasm. Hehe

Later that evening, we went to Old Trafford shopping mall for dinner. This picture of Mohd was taken by Izyan. Izyan with her 'genius' ideas with photography. Hahahha. This was taken whilst waiting for the bus in the freaking cold.

Next stop was Sheffield.

And this was how my room looked like when all 9 of us bunked in one room. Hahahhaha. Rest assured. My room is NOT like this all the time. Hehe.

Shopping trip to Meadowhall later that night. I bought myself a nice Topshop bag for just 15 pounds! Only to find out later that one of the zip was ripped off. Damn you. But I managed to sew them back together, another 8 months later. Heheh.

OMG. The trip to Castleton. Our so called plan to have a picnic at Peak District. My so-called plan that is. Horrible, horrible idea! Hahahha. We took a bus to Castleton and upon arrival, right after mama stepped her foot out of the bus, she said "Mama nak balik." Hahahahha. OMG. I felt so damn horrible. After discussing, mama and papa agreed to go home by themselves. The other 7 of us decided to continue with our plan, freezing our arses off in the icy cold weather. Thankfully the scenery was superb. But even we surrenderred and headed home earlier than planned. Haha. They must have been silently cursing me all the way home.

Later that night, we decided to do something fun. Headed off to Hollywood Bowl only to find them fully booked until quite late. We thought ice skating would do, but the place was closed due to a hockey practise. Hahahah. I could not remember what we ended up doing that night. Hmmm. Perhaps we just went home and sleep?

The next destination was Leeds. We left Sheffield early and reached Leeds around 10 am I think. And we headed straight to Junction 32 to shop after leaving our luggage at the place where we stayed. We shopped til the place closed. Hahah. Kak Lisa went missing for a while. But oh, that was predicted. Hehehe.

It was Christmas Day the next day and everything was closed. So we decided to spend our 'Christmas' at Eza's place which was like 30 minutes walk from the place we stayed. We went all the way to her place to get our laundry done. Haha. Eza's friend joined us later and we played pool and Flush the whole day. Hahah. Such an unproductive day!

The next day was Boxing day!! We woke up early and got a cab to the city centre. We were all apparently appeared chatty and excited that the cab driver could guess that we were off for the Boxing Day. hahhaha. Were we that obvious? Hahhaha. Obviously we shopped like mad. And obviously we were too busy shopping that we did not have time to snap any pictures! Hahahah.

London was our next stop. Funny story. I mistakenly bought First class train tickets for me, Izyan, Eza and Abg Amir. Hahahha. So we ended up enjoying a rather pleasant 2 hours journey, playing Flush all the way to London. Oh, we were too afraid to get ourselves any drinks offered by the stewardess (is that what u call these people?) cause we taught we have to pay for them. Pardon us for being so jakun as we had never ride on the first class train before. Hahah. Only later to find out that the drinks were FREE!

Our favourite shop in London. Or to be more accurate, papa's favourite shop. Haha. Everything was very cheap in this place. And it was near our apartment! And the apartment was worth our every penny. Or papa's penny to be exact. Hahhaha. We LOVE that place.

First night in London, we attempted to try shopping at Oxford St. And failed. Oh wait a minute, does Primark counts? Hahhaha. There were too many people and I hate that! It was a day after Boxing Day but still, that area was flooded with human.

Oh look how happy we were. Hahha. We went sightseeing around London the next day.

I think this is the only proper family picture that we have! Abg Amir was the one who took this picture. This was taken when we were on the cruise along the river. It was freezing, the wind was so chilly, but we decided to sit outside still!

The last night in London, I spent it with the girls at Starbucks. We acted like 4 drunk girls, laughing, talking and recording that stupid video, padahal we were gulping Frappucino. Frappucino in the cold. Yes, CRAZY!

Kak Sa and Abg Amir left the next day. The other 7 of us headed back to Manchester.
Amazingly, it snowed on the last day they were here. And whats more amazing is that it only snows at Izyan's place. Mama and papa stayed at a hotel elsewhere in city centre, and interestingly it was not snowing there! So, we dragged them to Izyan's place and it was so nice to see their happy faces, enjoying the beauty of snow.

After almost 2 weeks of fun, they headed back home to Malaysia.

Oh I can't believe a year has passed since all of you were here. Sigh. Miss you all. A lot.

Life oh life

2009-12-23T00:49:00.000-08:00

For the past 5 weeks, my life has became a mundane routine. I've been doing the same thing over and over again, and now I am feeling tired of doing the same thing over and over again! I crave for something new. Something exciting.

But, oh well, how on earth can one make revision exciting! Oooh, maybe instead of studying in my cosy room, I could go and study in IC instead. Wow. How exciting that would be. Note: read with a hint of sarcasm. Ooh, or maybe I could switch my daily timetable. Instead of studying from 9.30 to 1, I could study from 9.30 to 11, and then go down and make myself a cup of tea, and continue studying again from 11.10 to 1! Wow. Thats a brilliant idea, Aliaa. Note: Again, read with a hint of sarcasm.

Oh my dearie god! I am so fed up, stuck with the same routine every day. And I hate the fact that I could not do anything to change it because it is necessary for me to do so as I have my finals in just three weeks time. I have to stick with this boring schedule orelse I won't have enough confidence to face my finals. And I need my confidence for exams.

To make things worse, everyone is scattered all over the world this winter holiday, undoubtedly having the time of their life. Enjoying their time off from university. Well, almost everyone that is. And I couldn't help but feel a tinge of jealousy creeping inside my soul. Oh well, a tinge would be an understatement.

Oh why am I such a whiny person. Huhu.

Oh wait, writing an entry for my blog is not in my usual routine. So hey, there you go! I did something different today. Hahahha.

Snow :)

2009-12-17T09:11:00.000-08:00

I see snow falling from the sky today, and that is enough to make me happy.

Apparently it snowed earlier at 10am, but somehow I missed it.

And then it snowed again around lunchtime. And I found myself smiling when I watch the snowflakes floating and gliding freely in the air. I glanced at the sky and smiled.

It snowed quite heavily for 5 minutes and then it stopped.

Just after we recited our doa, welcoming the new year around Maghrib, it happened again. Cotton wools fell from the sky. Well, at least that was what it looked like. Hehe.

Gorgeous.

SubhanAllah. Alhamdulillah. Allahuakbar. For the past few weeks, I had been slumped with so many things that made me feel so down. My exams. My interview. My job allocation. My bestfriend's wedding. My family. My plasticup. They were so overwhelming that I feel like I want to just take off and leave. To anywhere else but here.

But, subhanAllah, the snow that falls today reminds me of what I have today. It is just hard for me to explain so I guess I am better off not explaining it. Hehe.

Interesting how slick and smooth Allah is in teaching us a lesson, huh?

I thank Him for this. And for everything else in life.

Not ready to be one

2009-12-14T02:15:00.000-08:00

I was booking a slot for my job interview this morning, when it hits me. I am not ready to be an adult.

I know, yes, I am 24. But the number 24, as cliche as it sounds, is afterall, just a number. It doesn't reflect who I am.

And now I am 1 month away from my written finals. 5 months away from my OSCE finals. 8 months away from stepping into the working world, that is if I pass insyaAllah. Which sounds scary for now. The prospect of working is giving me butterflies. I feel nauseated even from thinking about it. I am dealing with people's lives here. One wrong step, and I'll be done.

And I have a post allocation interview a few days after my written finals. I've already got a post in Yorkshire region, for those of you who do not know. And now this interview will determine which deanery I am going to work for.

And I also have that huge decision to be made.

And I just feel overwhelmed. I am freaking out, thinking I am so not ready for this!

No, I am not ready to be an adult.

For He knows everything and I know nothing..

2009-12-06T10:15:00.000-08:00

Nothing is certain in life. Heck, we are not even guaranteed our very next breath, whats more anything else in life?

It is interesting how unpredictable life is. One minute it is all nice and sunny and the next minute storm is looming.

We thought we have everything in our life laid out, perfectly, uncreased. But somehow, along the way, something happened and everything changes. Everything goes haywire and there goes our plan into the bin.

At that instance, I know it is one bitter pill to swallow. But, as Muslims, we have to believe that everything happens for a reason. When we stick to this, insyaAllah we will be OK . This strongly held believe will make us view things differently. Perhaps, instead of whining and complaining about the bitterness of life, we will be content with life. Perhaps, it is His way to bring us closer to Him. Cause He knows in the end, no matter how far we have gone astray, it is only to Him we will turn to when we are experiencing the glitches of life.

Indeed, Allah has a better plan for us. No doubt, He is the best planner as He knows everything whilst we know none.

Fly me home, right now!

2009-12-03T00:19:00.000-08:00

Rindu kamu...

I miss you, mek. Sangat. Nak nangis. Ok tipu, dah nangis dah pon. And now you are 'leaving' me for someone else. And I won't be there. Benci. Sangat. Huhu. I want to be there, badly. Sangat. I would fly home if I could.

Ok, emo sorang sorang di pagi Khamis. Huhuhu.

Stranger Number 1 and 2

2009-11-28T02:54:00.000-08:00

Two total strangers had inspired me yesterday. Their words just made me think. Their stories just made me ponder.

I met them at the Short Stay Unit at Weston Park Hospital yesterday (Fyi, Weston Park Hosp is a hospital for cancer patients). Yes, it was Eid yesterday. And yes, I had to spend my day in the hospital on Eid. But, it was not so bad. At all. In fact, I was glad that I decided to turn up yesterday morning to the Short Stay Unit. You see, I had been contemplating if I should go yesterday since it is Eid. But, realizing that it was my last day in Oncology placement, I decided to give it a go. When I first got there, I initially regretted going because there was nothing for me to do at all. All of the nurses were busy (it is a nurse-led unit), hence I was left all alone, sitting at the corner pretending to look busy flipping through patients' notes. I silently cursed myself, thinking that I will be better off at home doing revision!

After a while, I got restless and asked one of the nurses if there is anything for me to do at all. Without looking at me, she said, NO. Haha. Ok. Thanks. You are helpful, love.

That's it, I think. I have to do something. I had already wasted my 15 minutes pretending to be busy, now I have to actually go and do something useful. I walked into one of the treatment room and spotted my target. An elderly woman who was busy filling her time with solving puzzles in the magazine. Trying my luck, I went in and approached her, and alhamdulillah, she agreed to have a chat with me.

She was the Stranger Number 1. Even after talking to her only for a few minutes, anyone can tell that she is one jovial lady! You wouldn't have guessed that she had 2 different types of cancer and a list of other medical problems. Nobody would have guessed that she just had the unpleasant stereotactic radiotherapy yesterday. She went on and on sharing the story of her life to me. And her story amazed me. Our conversation was interrupted by a nurse, who told her that her MediCar was ready to go now.

I went on for another hunt, and found myself a nice gentleman sitting on the chemo-couch with a bored look on his face. Splendid. He was Stranger Number 2. We chatted for almost an hour and he was one pleasant man. He was just recently diagnosed with mesothelioma and is now on his fifth course of chemotherapy.

These two strangers inspired me. Despite all of their problems, they hold on strong. Despite of all their worries, they never fail to plaster a lovely smile on their face.

Both of them has lost their loved ones, and are fighting a battle with their own body and yet they appear to be even more positive then me!

Stranger Number 1 said to me " As long as I am able to lift my legs off the bed in the morning and put my legs on the ground, I am OK"

" Now you made me feel bad. I whine over the smallest thing in the world" I joked.

Which is true. I do whine over the minute things.

I whine when the weather is too cold.
I whine when the weather is too hot.
I whine when it rains.
I whine when I have to leave home at 7 in the morning to leave for the hospital.
I whine when I missed the train by a few minutes.
I whine and whine and whine.

My problems are not as big as theirs (if anything, it is nothing compared to theirs), and yet, I whine more than them.

Lets learn to be positive.
Lets learn to appreciate what we have in front of us, instead of whining over things that we don't have.
Lets learn to be a grateful servant to Him.
And lets learn to smile no matter how dark the cloud hanging over you is.

I am sure, if they are Muslims, they will be able to sail through this even stronger.

And I guess that is a brownie point for us as Muslims. We have Him to turn to to seek for strength especially when we need it the most. Cause He is always there for us. Always. It is entirely up to us to seek for Him or not.

Unwise choice of words

2009-11-19T09:37:00.000-08:00

Man, I've said the stupidest thing today. I feel like a fool.

I was seeing a patient on the ward at Royal Hallamshire Hospital this afternoon. After spending 30 minutes talking to him and doing the appropriate (well, at least I think they were appropriate) examination, I decided that I had bugged him enough for today. He has been one of the many nice and kind patients whom I adore. We were exchanging goodbyes, when he said " I wish you luck for your studies and I wish you have wonderful years ahead of you". I meant to say "Hope everything goes well with you", but no. Instead of that, I echoed his words instead. " I hope you have wonderful years ahead of you, too".

Crap. That was BAD.

I just wished a guy, who was recently diagnosed HIV just a fortnight ago, to have wonderful years ahead of him.

Crappy crap. I felt stupid. I realized what I said immediately and was too dumbfounded to say anything else. I just smiled and left the room instead. Oh my goodness god. I felt like banging my head to the wall.

I know, with all of the advances in medicines nowadays, HIV patients do live a better quality of life compared to the monkey years. If on treatment, their viral load and CD4 count will be very well controlled. I even saw a patient in the HIV clinic who still go for sky diving, surfing and doing some sort of humanitarian work in Ghana. Heck, he is doing the things that even I have never done before!

But still, argh, I don't know. I don't know how to explain how I feel. I just felt stupid. To tell a HIV positive patient to have a good life is just plain stupid. That's my point of view. Period.

I always have this problem with choice of words. I am never good with them. I always think too much if I've said the right thing. Or if I should just shut up when I am not suppose to say anything. I think I think too much.

Life is a lesson. *quote this from you. Cilop jap. hehe* We make mistakes, we learn from them, and move on. Hopefully I won't be making the same mistake twice cause then I would be a fool.

Bare below the elbow policy

2009-10-28T09:48:00.001-07:00

I was in Dermatology Clinic with Prof G. My colleague and I arrived a few minutes early, so we filled in the time with small chat. He asked us about our SSCs, UKFPOs and etc. I was removing my wrist watch when he bombarded me with an unexpected question.

"Why are you not following the bare below the elbow policy?" I could feel his eyes burning through my unrolled long sleeved pink cardigan.

"Oh, I only rolled up my sleeve when I have to see a patient" I replied.

"Why are you not following the bare below the elbow policy?" He repeated the same question as if he did not hear my answer the first time. This time, he repeated it rather sternly.

"I couldn't bare my elbow because of my religion. That's why I only roll up my sleeves when I have to examine a patient," I explained.

"I don't care about your religion," He said nonchalantly. He continued looking at me disapprovingly. I felt challenged.

I was about to open my mouth to defend myself. I started saying, "But the other.." And I just stopped right there. I bit my tongue. Trying to refrain myself from saying things that I would regret later. Thankfully, I managed to keep my mouth shut just on time. I realized that if I continue to argue with him about this matter, the Professor would either chuck me out of his clinic or maybe would put me on his blacklist, if he has any. Acknowledging the fact that he is more superior to me, I finally surrender and rolled up my sleeves up to my elbow without uttering any word. I felt naked then.

The first few minutes after that incident passed by awkwardly. I was trying to calm myself and tried to plaster a smile on my face. I tried to act as if I was unperturbed by this even though deep inside, I was silently protesting.

I could not see how bare below the elbow policy can cut down infection. For those who are clueless about what I am rambling about, this policy was created just recently. All of the health professionals working in UK MUST not wear anything below the elbow. Watches, jeweleries and let alone long sleeves shirt is a BIG no-no. Apparently they allow transmission of infection from health professionals to patients to take place, hence this policy supposedly is able cut down the risk infection transmission to patients.

I've heard rumors implying that there is lack of evidence supporting this so-called fact. Yet, despite that, these people are still very much keen to stick with this policy.

At the end of the day, we are the one who are at loss. We, the Muslim women staffs. We are insisted to expose a part of ourselves which is NOT allowed to be shown to others except to certain people. We are forced to go against what was being told in the Quran ie to cover everything apart from face and hands. We are basically forced to do something that we do not wish to do. Now, wait a minute. I thought we are living in a country that emphasis the importance of human rights? So much of human rights, huh?

I still remember, in the very same clinic, a patient kept challenging Prof G about his management plan. After the patient left the clinic, he said to us "Now, that's someone with an unrealistic expectation. She keeps wanting to do things that I told her not to do. That's not good," And I don't know if it was just me being paranoid or if he actually did gave me a threatening glare when he said that.

All in all, it was a good clinic despite what happened. A lot of interesting cases. All of the patients presented with different problems which contributed to the variety of cases. Which is good. He did complimented me and my colleague at the end of the clinic though. Which is definitely good. Hehe.

Anger

2009-10-18T11:35:00.000-07:00

Annoyed today, I was.

Angry. No. That will be underestimating my feelings this morning. I was fuming with rage.

I have tried to be rational but I failed.

Funny how a simple thing could annoy me this much.

But I am OK now.

Put this behind me. Let it go. The past doesn't matter. The future does.

Eid Eid Eid :)

2009-10-14T10:20:00.000-07:00

Eid is almost coming to its end. Oh well, actually, it has long gone! Hehe. But to Malaysians, Eid is celebrated for a month. So technically for me, we still have a few more days of Eid left. :)

Alhamdulillah, to my surprise, this year's Eid celebration was far from boring. It is anything but boring! From my previous posts, anyone could easily detect the skeptiscm that I have on Eid celebration this year. They are all there whilst I was stuck here. Then, I could not help but imagining how horrifyingly dreary my Eid is going to be like. But, my oh my, was I wrong.

Starting from the first day of Eid, we have been blessed to be showered with abundant of open houses invitations. Eventhough there was not many of us back then, we still do enjoy ourselves. We did try to go to as many open houses as possible. And slowly, week by week, the number seemed to grow! More and more people joined us to go for open houses and the fun just keeps on snowballing.

And last week, we throw our own open house and our house was flooded with people! And the feeling of seeing people enjoying their food is just wonderful.

The juniors are all great. Every one of them. Never have I imagine to be in this place, being the only super senior amongst the many juniors. But, oh heck, seniority means nothing, doesn't it? Why create a barrier with others just because you are a couple of years older than them?

To my housemates, I love you girls. Hehe. And of course, to my ex-housemates, I still do love you girls! heheh. And Eica specially, thank you for keeping me sane when no one else is here to keep me company!

Who says life is easy?

2009-10-05T12:37:00.001-07:00

Life is all about making the right choices, huh? Without realizing, we have been trained to make decision ever since we are little child.

To eat the candy or not to eat the candy?

To watch TV or to go to sleep?

To have the white handbag or the blue handbag? Haha. :P

These are the simple kind of choices that we have to make throughout our day, day in and day out. And normally we wade through them without much problem.

But, some decision are just so difficult to make. When the choice that you make determines your whole life ahead of you, you will start to realize that this ain't something to fiddle around about. Make the wrong decision, and you will see your whole life squashed right in front of you.

But, obviously, we human are no psychic. We do not know what is ahead of us. We do not know for sure what will happen if we do this, and not do that. We don't know what lies behind each of the different choices that we have in front of us. We can only assume what will happen, and even that is with extreme limitation. Who knows, in the future, Allah might give a twist in our life, and hence, things will not go as we thought it would be. Scary how unpredictable life is, isn't it?

So now here I am. Torn in between two. I have two roads ahead of me. Each with their own roses with thorns. Either way, it is not a win-win situation for me. Yet, I have to decide. So Allah, please guide me through this.

p/s: who says being an adult is fun?

My very first

2009-09-21T14:18:00.001-07:00

Today, I did my very first spinal anasthesia on a patient. I mean on a real patient. Not a dummy. But a patient. An alive patient. Who is about to go for an elective C-section.

Dr Matthews asked me to scrub in for today. And I thought sure, maybe he just wanted to make me feel more involved by scrubbing in. I scrubbed in with the help from a lovely midwife, as I had not scrubbed in for 3 months! I took ages to scrub in! The bit where I had to don the sterile glove is the trickiest part. I always struggle to put on my gloves gracefully. Hehe. By the time I was all sterile, Dr Matthews has already finished setting up the sterile field around the patient's back. Huhu.

With my hands clasped close to my chest, I walked to the patient. Peeking over Dr Matthew's shoulder, I tried to get a closer look at what he was doing. Then suddenly, he asked me to grab a stool, which I did. He grabbed the stool next to me. Then he asked me to palpate for the iliac crest and find the suitable level for insertion of the needle. Which I did. He helped me through this as I was not so sure of what I felt. Then after a few explanations, he asked me to hold the needle. Ok, I thought that was all he wanted me to do.

But noooooo.

He, then, told me to start and poke the needle at the patient's back. I was like, woahhh. Hold on a minute. I have not been taught how to do this before. Yes, I have seen it done like a million times. Yes, I've read the procedures from books. But I have not had a proper teaching on how to do it. All I know is from what I have seen and from what I have learnt from the books! But no, he insist me to do it. So, i was like, gulp, Ok!

So there you go. I poke in the needle after he had injected the local anaesthetic. And then poked in the finer needle for the spinal. First shot, it bang straight to the bone. After 3rd attempt, it went pass the ligamentum flavum and straight into the dura space. CSF leaks out of the needle, and that was it. I was in! After infusion of local anaesthetic, within minutes, she told me she could no longer feel anything from her nipple below. Hahahahha. Walaaaa. It works!

God, only Allah knows how scared I was at that time. Miraculously, alhamdulillah, I did not even think about anything apart from getting the procedure right. Only later I got to think of all of those things that could have gone wrong. Worst comes to worst, I could have damage her nerves and cause her to be paralysed for life. Which, alhamdulillah, I did not. The thought of it just send shivers down my spine.

So there you go. My very first experience of spinal anaesthesia. The highlight of my day. Hehe. Oh well, there is always a first time for everything, isn't there?

p/s: tick tock tick tock. the time is running! :)

Eid Mubarak :)

2009-09-18T12:34:00.001-07:00

Eid mubarak to all the muslims out there. With or without family, with or without close friends, Eid is still Eid. And it deserves to be welcomed with warm smiles and happiness.

Keep these ugly feelings aside for a change. Keep it in a box and seal it tight and shove it in a place that is too deep to be dug, or too far to be reached.

Smile. Don't cry. Laugh. Don't whine.

Allah has created Eid as a day of happiness. And a happy day it shall be.

Be strong my dear self.

Eid Mubarak peeps.

p/s: it is getting nearer ain't it? Weee~

Its slipping away

2009-09-14T15:01:00.000-07:00

Oh no. Ramadhan is coming to its end. Interesting, how my feelings towards Ramadhan changes as I grow older. I remember how it was back when I was a child, or even as a teenager. Ramadhan was viewed solely as a month where I can have nothing to eat nor drink. I used to whine everytime papa forced us to go to terawih at the mosque during the nights of Ramadhan. And when Ramadhan ended, I was so happy that I finally got to eat again. Huhu. Teruk betul.

But now, things have changed.

I finally got to understand why Ramadhan is associated as the holy month. The ni'mah of fasting throughout the day. The ni'mah of breaking the fast after a long day of fasting, even if it is just with a sip of water. The ni'mah of reading Quran after every prayers, especially during the night. The ni'mah of Tarawih, especially when it is done in congregation. The ni'mah of Lailatul Qadr, that is if we are lucky enough to meet the sacred night. The ni'mah are unbeatable. They are undescribable. They are beyond words, subhanAllah.

And now Ramadhan is slipping away. In few more days, it will be gone. But just because Ramadhan is gone, it does not mean our 'amal ibadah has to be put on hold til the next Ramadhan comes! Lets all hope that Allah will make us istiqamah with our amal ibadah. We do need them as much as we can for our next stop.

Raya di perantauan

2009-09-12T13:40:00.000-07:00

I can't believe a year has past since we last had our raya together. Gosh, and now the holy month is about to come to its end. Syawal is approaching. I have a feeling that this coming Syawal will not be the same without you girls with me. Perhaps that explains the loop of emptiness that I am feeling inside. I miss you girls already...very much.

http://smsawomen.blogspot.com/2008_09_01_archive.html (click on the link for the video recorded from last year)

InsyaAllah, this is my fifth raya abroad. InsyaAllah, this is my fifth raya with me being away from my family. But why do I have a feeling that this raya will be the hardest for me? A 'rainy' raya, that is what I am expecting.

I miss everyone right now. My hormones seems to be taking its toll over me.

The unplanned trip

2009-09-07T03:37:00.000-07:00

Brussels was OK. The whole trip was OK alhamdulillah, considering it was an unplanned trip. I know before this I whined about how costly the trip is, but now that I come to think of it, we actually had landed ourself on a very good bargain!

Our ticket includes a return trip to Brussels AND a 3 days 2 night accommodation in Brussels Hotel.

Eurostar is great! (Pardon me for being so jakun. It was my very first time travelling via Eurostar. hehe). Yes, we had to travel all the way to London for it. But, I personally think it was worthwhile. I don't have to care so much about what I can or can NOT put in my luggage (oh yes, the do scanyour bags, but i obviously do not carry a gun around, so that is ok for me.) I don't have to stress out about exceeding the luggage allowance. I can carry even up to 10 bags if I want to (which obviously I did not do because I don't have enough hands to carry 10 bags around!). The waiting time is much less reduced. The ambience in the train itself is very comforting. And most of all, I don't have to worry about crashing everything the train shooks. Huhu.

Our hotel is even better. It was right in front of the tram stop, which is extremely convenient. When we book the ticket, we ordered for a standard single room each (why we ordered separate room is a bit too complicated to be explained in this blog.) But alhamdulillah, instead of a single room, we got ourselves a double deluxe room which can fit up to 4 people in a room! The room itself costs even more than the total money that we had to spend for the whole package! Alhamdulillah. I guess Allah is just making things easy for us as we had to endure so much problem before we could even get to Brussels.

We did not do anything much on our first day. It was only on our second day our trip officially begun. We went to Atomium, Mini Europe, Grand Place and Maneken Piss (which really pissed me off.hehe) We break our fast in Grand Place, eating Belgium waffle. That was amazing. Hehe. All in all it was an-OK trip.

And alhamdulillah, Eza managed to get her 6 months visitors pass! Haha. So that makes our trip worth it.

Mek dah nak balik dah. Benci tul. Kirim salam kat orang kat rumah. Esp Ma n Pa. Cubitkan Qeefee and Damdam for me!

p/s: Now, should I restart counting? Hahha.

Salam wbt :)

Want to be a paramedic? Read this. Heheh

2009-09-01T11:44:00.001-07:00

Today, I have spent the whole day with the paramedics. I had been looking forward to it ever since I've started this A&E rotation. I did not had the chance to follow the ambulance peeps during my A&E placement in Malaysia during my 6 weeks electives. So I was quite eager when I found out that Dr Stephenson had allocated each of us a day with the paramedics.

I was in from 10 am til around 6 ish. By the end of the shift, my head has gone all woozy. The ride in the ambulance is definitely NOT a pleasant ride.

If you want to be a paramedic, these are some key points that you need to know beforehand!

1. You have to be a skilled driver. You must be able to drive at high speed, selit selit in between cars, driving onto pavements and be extra alert whilst driving. With the speed you are driving, you are very much prone to have an accident!

2. If you are not the driver, you have to be able to NOT to vomit throughout the whole journey. It is one bumpy ride, I tell you. You must have a strong stomach to be a paramedic! (I could have vomited if I were not fasting! )

3. If the seats in the back are full, you must be able to stand throughout the ride without bumping your head onto the headboard or falling over and hurting yourself. There is already shortage of paramedics. Don't hurt yourself!

4. You must be able to cannulate or intubate or able to perform any other related practical procedure whilst standing. (Remember, it is an extremely bumpy ride!)

5. You must be able to do basic life support by yourself! Things get more tricky when it comes to chest compression. One hand has got to hold on to the rail for support, so that leaves you with only hand to do the chest compression. Which is ridiculously tiring!

Oh I could not think of anything else to write. I did have fun with the paramedics yesterday though. Chris was superb. He has been a paramedic for 20 years, so you can guess how many interesting stories he has to share! He is just brilliant!

So now I am halfway through my A&E rotation. And for this week, I will be doing the nights shift. From 4pm til midnight til Friday and 7pm til 3 am shift on Saturday. Wohoo. Obviously it is not wise for me to go back to Sheffield in the middle of the night, so I will be staying in the hospital's accommodation for this whole week til Sunday. I have almost finished packing my stuffs. Man, my bag is extremely heavy! Loaded with food food and food!! Brahim, serunding, sardine, milk and everything else. You just name it. Huhu.

Hope I enjoy my night shifts this week. At the same time, I hope it passes by quickly as well. Haha. I will miss my comfy bed.

p/s: Halfway through Ramadhan! Fast, ain't it? Ramadhan Mubarak peeps.

Salams :)

One of those days. Sigh.

2009-08-28T07:12:00.001-07:00

I remember complaining to Jen about my humiliating incident with Dr Venkat in his GP surgery.

"I can't even answer at least one of his questions. My brain just goes blank. Then he asked me to summarize a patient's case which I did so horribly that I felt like crying," I said.

"Yeah. It's just one of those days, isn't it?" She replied.

Yes. It is definitely one of those days today. One of those days when you feel completely stupid. Not knowing anything. Not able to do anything right. It is just one of those days that makes you feel like burying your head in a hole, hoping that nobody will disturb you with anymore questions, praying for the day to end as fast as possible.

That is exactly what I felt this morning.

It was my last day for my 8am to 4pm shift today. I did feel quite nice, going back in to hospital after a day off yesterday (Yesterday was my personal study day). I had quite a nice morning. The journey to Rotherham Hospital was smooth, and I was half expecting a rather good day today. But man was I wrong.

I went in, greet Ash, my SHO whom I am shadowing this week. She gave me a patient to see. A kid with rash. Without much hesistation, I went off to see the patient. For whatever reason, I could not find myself to take a good history from the mom. My English was all over the place. My bad day seemed to have started.

Later, I had to examine a guy who apparently has got a lot of interesting clinical signs. I went in, greet him and asked him a few questions whilst examining him. When I presented to Ash my findings, it turned out I missed a very important clinical finding. I forgot to check his tummy which is grossly huge. I felt stupid for missing that out. Later she asked me the signs of clubbing. I knew there are the 5 C's for GI causes of clubbing but could not get all of them. Which is even more frustrating!

Later, I had to see another lady who had a fall. Again she asked me a simple question which I just could not answer. By that time, I was at the end of my wits. I felt ridiculously dumb. I wonder what Ash must have think of me! I am doubting myself now. I understand if she feels the same way about my credibility to become a doctor next year.

Thankfully, there were no more cases in Major. I went in with a Registrar to the Minors and luckily managed to hide myself from the outside world for about 2 hours or so. Or to be more specific, to hide from Ash. Huhu. Oh well, she was the one whom suggested me to go with Dr Raj to the Minors as there were no patients in Major. Perhaps she was the one who can't stand having a thick medical student tagging her along. Huhu.

Argh. I hate this feeling of inadequacy. This must have just been one of those days, isn't it? Hopefully it is!!

Unplanned trip to Brussel

2009-08-27T14:29:00.000-07:00

I am going to Brussels this weekend. Yes. This weekend. In the middle of semester. No, its not a holiday. My summer holiday is long gone. Oh well, yes, it is a Bank Holiday this Monday. But it is not as if it is like a proper holiday. But yes, I am going to Brussels with my sister this weekend. I just HAVE to go.

We have just planned it last week when Eza was here in Sheffield. And we just settled our Eurostar ticket and hotel today. And we are going in two days time. And because everything was handled at the eleventh hour, there goes our money down the drain....

As I mentioned earlier, we HAVE to go. Not because the ticket is cheap (heck, it is way the opposite of that). Not because we are dying to go to Brussels. Not because we feel like going for a weekend break in Europe. No. We have to go to Brussels because of my sister's problem with her Visa.

Don't know who is to be blamed for the problem of hers. Someone's plain stupidity and carelessness had almost cause her to pay extra 500 pounds to extend her visa so that she could say in UK legally for just 10 days. Crazy.

Problems after problems have been thrown in her way even before she set her foot in UK. And now she is about to leave UK for good, these problems just keep on coming. MasyaAllah. I wonder how you can cope with those problems, Eza!! Well, I guess what doesn't break you, make you stronger right? Kudos to you beb :)

Well, putting aside the fact that I might need to bring my tutorial to Brussels and also the fact that we will be fasting at that time, I do hope that we will be able to at least have a good time there. Hopefully the trip is worth our money.

Fasting and breaking fast in Brussels. Am quite looking forward to it actually. Hehe.

Salam Ramadhan to all.

Salams.

Ramadhan is here :)

2009-08-23T14:04:00.000-07:00

I miss having mama or papa knocking on my door, 15 - 30 minutes before Fajr, waking me up for Sahur.

I miss going to Bazaar Ramadhan with either one of my siblings, bringing back home plastic bags filled with variety of kuih muih, only later to be scolded by mama because we bought a bit too many.

I miss breaking fast with all of the 12 familiar faces (including aqef, adam and the in laws), eating mama's delicious cooking.

I miss rushing to the nearby mosque in our kain sembahyang for tarawikh congregation and rushing back home after completing 8 rakaah of tarawih.

I miss the fun of baking cookies with mama and siblings in the kitchen, especially when I got to be the 'taster' if I am on my 'break'.

I miss the excitement of balik kampung, a few days before Raya.

I miss the joy of celebrating raya with my loved ones back at home.

Sigh. I certainly do miss quite a number of things. I could go on forever and the list will never end! Perhaps I should be thankful with what I have in front of me, instead of complaining and whining over the things that I don't have.

Ramadhan is making me feel a bit homesick. Moreover with all of those people over there, when I am stranded over here. I just can't help but feeling a bit left out.

Oh well, anyway I do hope that this Ramadhan will be better than the previous ones. A sacred month which doesn't come knocking on our door often must never be wasted.

*30 days to go!Oh, looks like I am already starting to counting the days*

Salams

Random

2009-08-20T13:53:00.000-07:00

Muni and Atie are gone. It feels so quiet in the house. I guess I just have to get use to this. Thankfully my A&E shifts are keeping me busy, so I did not have the time to whine about the fact that all of my friends are gone.

I am in love with A&E. I don't know why, I just love it. I guess I love it because this is one of the placements where we actually get to do something. Which makes it feels so real. It has not even been a week since I've started A&E in Rotherham, but I had seen plenty of bizzare cases. Nice. Interestingly, it is quite different from Malaysia.

I've learned intubation and suturing. And now I am so keen to actually do it on a real person. Hahahah. Oh yeah, and I am still crazy about cannulating and taking bloods. I guess I will get bored of it once I am an F2 perhaps. Hahah.

This week I have a 10 am to 6 pm shift. Which is not so bad. I am tolerating it well. I just hate the fact that by the time I get home, it is already 7 ish. And the travelling really knocks me down. I will feel too knackered to do anything in the evening, hence, sleep is the only thing that I look forward to at night.

OOOhhh, Izyan has already gave birth to a lovely baby girl today!!! Ohmigod, I can't describe how relief and happy I feel for them both. Can't wait to see you in Ireland!! You are a MUMMY, Izyan! Oh wow. My primary school mate already has a child. Hehe.

OOooh, and Ramadhan is starting this Saturday!!!! Weee. I am excited!! Let this Ramadhan be better than the previous ones.

*Seventeen!!*

Another month. Should I start counting down the days? Hehe

Ok I want some sleep. Adios!

Bimbo

2009-08-17T14:13:00.000-07:00

Cooked baked macaroni the other day. And I failed miserably. It is not like I have not cooked that before! I had, only like a million times. It was tasteless.

Again today, i cooked ayam paprik for dinner. Again, it tasted like crap! It tasted like DAUN ok! Too much daun limau purut. That was my diagnosis. I pitied Eica, having to eat the crappy paprik for dinner. And again, the same case as above, I have cooked paprik like a thousand time. It is like my specialty. Oh well, at least, I think it is.

And also today, I found out one of my white shirt that i loved got miraculously turned into green!! How? Stupidly, I managed to wash my newly bought green dress along with my newly bought white shirt which I only managed to wear once. And now, my white shirt is no longer white! Bohoo. Careless me.

What is wrong with me? I seemed to have forgotten how to do household chores! I forgot how to cook! I forgot how to wash! I feel like a bimbo. Has the 2 months summer holiday back home been the cause of my 'condition'? Honestly, I think it has. Hahahah.

September, come quick!

Missing whole loads of people. You know who you are.

XOXO

a&e rotation

2009-08-13T04:54:00.000-07:00

I am starting my first day of Accident & Emergency Medicine rotation tomorrow. And boy, am I excited and nervous about it! I have done A&E a couple of times back home in Malaysia. Once for my Option and the second time for my Elective. Yeah, I enjoyed it so much that I did it twice. I guess I just love the adrenaline rush. The fact that we have no idea what could come through the doors. The fact that everything needs to be done STAT. The fact that every second matters. It was certainly an exhilarating experience to me.

From the next 4 weeks, I will be able to find out if A&E here is any different from A&E in Malaysia. Jihan said that it is. It might not be as adventurous as in Malaysia, that's what she said. Well, I will know for sure starting from tomorrow.

I am quite nervous as well. I have spent my weekend not doing anything at all. I also did not do any reading during my lecture week. I can only remember rather vaguely whatever that had been taught during the lectures. I seriously do hope they would not bombard me with much questions tomorrow. I am just about to start my rusty engine. It has gone quite rusty for 2 months now!!

And I do hope I get myself a nice SHO. And I do hope I will be able to get through it well, especially during the Ramadhan period. Oh Allah, I do need your help. Make me a stronger person please,emotionally and physically.

Back in sheffield

2009-08-10T14:15:00.000-07:00

Hey im back. I thought I would be ditching my blog for good this year. but it turns out I still need my blog after all to rant all of my stupid, crazy and unpredictable emotions!

I am in my final year. Wohooo~! Crazy ain't it how time flies! I was talking to my coursemates this morning during the lecture break, reminiscing about the very first time we met. Funny. It seriously felt just like yesterday. And now, in a blink of an eye, 4 years had past. In a year time, insyaAllah, each of us will embark on our very own path of life.

I could not believe I actually got to say it; "I am a final year student". Weeee. Heheh. I longed for the time for me to say " I am no longer a student". Fuh. Imagine what that would feel like! Hehe.

Anyway, nobody is in Sheffield. Thankfully Muni and Atie is here to keep me company!! Eza is also still UK, so I planned to frequent her place to put this horrible homesick feeling at bay. Eza's leaving on 10th Sept. Muni and Atie are leaving on 18th if I'm not mistaken. That leaves me at least 7 days of misery before I got to smile again. Oh Allah, please give me strength..

I don't know what this year is going to be like. I am forcing myself to be positive. I am forcing myself to be happy. I am going to enjoy my final year. At least, I am going to try.

Ok this is completely a random entry. Anyway I miss ADAM & AQEF!!!!

*plasticcup* hehe

ciao for now

Is this goodbye?

2009-06-06T05:32:00.000-07:00

I am going back home for my summer break tomorrow. And my feelings is all jumbled up.

Happy? Definitely. I am going home to my loved ones. The thought of seeing the familiar faces again never fails to bring a smile on my face.

And normally, that's it. That's it. Full stop. Period. I am going home. Yayyyy.

But things seems to be different for this year.

As much as I want to go back home, I don't want to go back home as much as well. Why? Because leaving for home this year means leaving my good friends for the past 4 years. Because leaving for home means goodbye.

I have been chucked here from KMB, not knowing a single soul. Alhamdulillah, by the end of 4th year, I've got myself a lovely group of friends. And I know I could not ask for more.

Eventhough we were not that close during our first years, our friendship seems to slowly bloom since then. It has bloom so beautifully that I don't want to let it go.

And now it seems like the time has come. It is time for us to bid our goodbye. They will be leaving me soon. Leaving me to survive another year of my very own final battle in Sheffield. By myself.

I will be alone next year. A fact that is still hard for me to grasp. I will be missing all of those laughters and dramas that we had. I will be missing the whole lots of them. That's a fact I know for sure.

Have a wonderful life, all of you. Till we meet again, insyaAllah..

Dah nak kawen dahhhhhh

2009-05-27T07:36:00.000-07:00

(Subjek blog: Lelaki yang tidak memakai songkok itu)

Ohmigod. Cam tak sangka. Wa dah nak kawin minggu ni!!

That seems to be our favourite topic of conversation nowadays. Hehe. Kecoh. Memang kecoh. We have been talking on and ooooon about it eversince the first time he told us that he is planning to tie the knot. That was like, what? Back in November last year, if I am not mistaken. He told me via YM. Asking me to usha kasut Clarks kat sini. Nak buat hantaran. Sambil tersipu-sipu. Hehhe. That was when I found out he is planning to get married. And he told me keep it as a secret from the others for a while cause he said he is not ready to tell others yet. Amboi, kasut hantaran dah ready beli. Nak beritahu orang, tak ready lagi? Hehhehe.

Oh ye, "we" here is referring to me and my sisters yang jauh ketinggalan kat UK yang tak boleh join wedding Wa sebab Wa tak mau posptpone wedding dia even for a few weeks untuk tunggu kitorang pulang.

And, oh, Wa is one of our cousins. Our very very close cousin. And since we don't have a brother, dia macam sort of dah jadi a brother to us lah. A cool brother. A very cool one. Hehe. Bukan yang jenis control freak or whatsnot. Hehhe. Mintak lah apa pon, for sure dapat punya (tapi setakat ni, cubaan minta ampau dari Wa masih tidak berjaya!) A person yang never says No. Baik gila kot. Sentiasa redha dengan kitorang yang ngek ni. Hehe. Tapi takpe. Dia pon join gang kitorang. E-Remaja. Hahaha. Only we know what on earth that means. And now gang E-Remaja dah takda. Lagi-lagi bila ketua E-Remaja dah kawin. Bubar lah camni. Abis lah ahli E-Remaja lain. Terkapai-kapai! Ketua dah tak eligible dah!

Haish. And I am going to miss his wedding by one day. Wedding sebelah dia memang la tak dpt attend sebab it is this week. Wedding sebelah pompuan is a day before I sampai Malaysia. Argh. I know there will be pictures, but pictures can never replace the idea of being there on the wedding day for real.

Anyway, I know you might not even be reading this entry. If you are, abis la I . Hidung forver kembang la nanti. So cannot handle wan. Hahah. Anyway, congratulations mate!

Nerd

2009-05-25T12:45:00.001-07:00

What's wrong with me? I am getting lazier and lazier by day.

I used to be the girl who can sit down and study for long hours straight without feeling bored or tired.

I used to be the girl who will feel guilty if I spend my free time doing something else apart from studying.

I used to be the girl who only took 20 - 30 minutes nap during the afternoon if I ever got too tired and woke up 20 - 30 minutes later and headed straight for the books once the nap time was over.

I used to be the girl who once refused to watch Anugerah Juara Lagu on the television because I convinced myself that it is not important, and it will not be tested on my exams.

Yes. I was nerdy and geeky. But I did not even feel that I am nerdy and geeky. I just feel that that was the right thing to do. That was what I was meant to do. To study. To excel in life. I am no genius. I know that. I need to work double as hard to achieve what I want to achieve in life.

But now, I am no longer that girl.

I am now the kind of girl who can only study for long hours when exam is nearing.

I am now the kind of girl who can only study for 1 hour at most (when exam is not lurking around the corner), and then easily become distracted with some other ridiculous, non useful, stuffs, like Facebook for instance.

I am now enjoying my life a bit too much. Huhu

I miss the old me. Sad, I know. I miss the old hardworking me. Because I know that I need the old me back because I just need the old me back.

Ok. Back to books. Not having exams at all this year is making me a slacker. huhu.

p/s: Gosh i sound like a weirdo. A nerd and a super geek. Hahaha.

Hoooooooome!

2009-05-16T02:25:00.000-07:00

The summer break is the break that I (and I am sure all of the other students) look forward to the very most. Why? Because summer means home. Summer means family. Summer means friends. Aahh. Summer holiday is when majority of students will be flocking the airport to fly back home to our very own homeland.

The feeling when knowing that the date to go back home is nearing is just undescribable. It is more beyond excited. Secretly, if not outloud, we will be counting down the days. Every single day. Wishing and hoping that time will fly a bit faster.

I am in my 4th year and still, I am experiencing the exact same feeling that I used to have when I was in my very 1st year. Hehe. I guess the feeling never change.

Another thing that makes it interesting is the fact that we have to give gifts to those people back home. More like souvenirs from UK. Its not like we HAVE to. But it just does not seems appropriate not to buy them any. Well, that's just my thought anyway. I do it anyway because this means I get to SHOP! Hehe. It feels good anyway. To give presents to people. To see the anxious looks on their face, waiting to see what I have got them. The happy looks on their face when they finally got their hands on their gifts. That feeling is worthwhile. I feel like Santa Claus already, minus the beard and the belly. Hahah.

And now I am in my fourth year, I am running out of ideas on what to get them!! During the past years, I had bought them mostly shoes, handbags, purses, Sheffield engraved knives, Royal Alberts and stuffs like that. Now, I just am totally clueless what to find. Huhu. I am getting fed up of buying them the same things again. But, if I still do not manage to get them anything out of the ordinary, I might just have to stick to the ordinary then I guess.

Another week in Radiology. Another week in Nephrology. Another week of final lecture. And I am off home for 2 months. Excited? Definitely.

To forgive and forget.

2009-04-29T14:40:00.001-07:00

To forgive and forget is not an easy thing to do.

Someone once told me (well, actually he just told me this just a few minutes ago. hehe) :

Anger is something that if you don't let go, it will haunt you. So, the only way to get past anger is to forgive the person that made you angry. As long as you keep that anger deep within you, the other person is the one who is winning. Cause you are the one who is stressing out and going all nutters just from thinking about it, whilst the other party is far from perturbed about it.

(Cilop from you. Takde copyright kan? Ngehehe)

So, who is at loss here? The angry person. Me, myself and I.

BUT, who am I kidding. I am no saint. For me, to forgive someone takes a LOT of effort. To forget all of those horrible things that one has done to you is one hell of a mission.

And to be fair, I think both parties need to play their part. What is the use if only one party makes the effort to patch things up, when the other party just could not be bothered?

Its not like I am not trying. I am. Trust me, I definitely am. It is just going to take a while. And a lot of effort, I guess. To put everything behind. To pretend that this never happens in the first place when it actually did. To pick things up from where we left things behind. It is one hard work, to be frank.

To mend a shattered glass. We can put in all of our effort and it might stick together again. To put a thousand pieces of glasses back together might take ages. But it will stick together again, as long as we try do something about it. But will it look as beautiful as before? I doubt it. The scars will still remain. To remind us of the past that never leaves us.

Sigh.

To forgive and forget. It is easier said than done.

Selfish?

2009-04-20T13:19:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel as if I am selfish. Maybe I am. Oh no. Who am I kidding. I know I am. Maybe not extremely selfish. But that selfishness is there, coursing within my deep veins, blended with my blood.

This thought popped after an incident this afternoon. I had just finished attending a hip replacement surgery and was waiting for the bus to go home. Yes, I was too lazy to walk to the train station. I was too tired, and at that time, paying 1.50 pound for a 10 minutes bus ride seemed more tempting than a 30 minutes walk. I know walking is free, and I get to exercise which is good for my heart and arteries. But I could not be bothered. I just want to go back home as soon as possible. First day in Orthopaedic has drained me.

Anyway, I was in a line, waiting patiently for the bus to come. An old lady was standing in front of me. After 10 minutes of waiting, the bus arrived. The first gentleman got on the bus. Next, was the old lady in front of me. She was struggling to get on the bus. She was rather old. She has got a buggy full with her grocery shopping inside of it. Anyone could tell that she was struggling to get on the bus. I did too.

That was what that makes it worst. I realized that she was having some difficulty getting on the bus and yet I did not offer to help. I just stood there behind her, waiting for her to get on the bus. A few minutes passed by, and she was still not on the bus. My mind started to race, thinking perhaps she needs some help.

Until suddenly, she said "Thank you for your help"

Yes. She was saying that to me. I was astounded. Did I just say my thoughts out loud? Its either that or she is a superb mind reader! Or maybe that was a sarcasm remark. Which one? I have no idea. It might have been the sarcasm. Huhu.

So, realizing how stupid and selfish I was, I hurried to help her get her buggy on the bus. After getting her on the bus, I just put her buggy in the middle of the way and let her passed. I expected her to get a seat for herself because I was too busy paying for the bus ticket!

When I got to my seat, I thought "I am such a selfish biatch" Huhu. Pardon my language. But it is true. I could not help feeling guilty throughout the whole 10 minutes journey to train station. I hate myself for it and have promised myself that should a similiar incident occur again in the future, I must NOT let the same thing happen again.

I must help. In fact, I SHOULD be helping. Helping others is an attribute that I should have. It is just nature's rule. A doctor just have to have that trait embedded within oneself. And I am about to end this 5 years course of becoming a doctor, so why am I still being selfish? I shivered to think what kind of doctor would I be in a few years time..

Put a smile on your face =)

2009-03-18T14:24:00.000-07:00

As promised, the second post of the day (my audit is waiting for me. what am i doing writing 2 entries in one go?!)

I called the cab, and the cab arrived less than 5 minutes later. As I climbed into the taxi, I was too emotionally drained. I just want a piece of mind. I planned to use the time in the cab to dread the fact that i am super late for my communication skill session.

But, no. That was not what that had happened.

The cab driver talks. And I mean talk. Like proper talk. Like a proper-conversation-talk. Not just a how-are-you-today-then-pure-silence-talk. He was a super duper extremely over friendly guy. Hehe.

He started off by asking me the usual question. "How was your morning today love?"

I told him I had a crappy morning, which obviously i did not go much into detail. And I thought it would just stop there. End of discussion. But no, he continued to talk and asked more questions about myself. I was not bothered to be frank. He seemed like a nice enough guy. So, we chatted for quite a bit. Hence, my plan for a piece of mind was thrown into the bin.

The reason I wrote this entry is because of a statement that he said to me.

"You are wearing a scarf. So, I guess you must be a muslim?"

"Yes, I am"

"Funny. I thought you look like a Christian"

I was taken aback by his remark. I look like a Christian? To be frank, I felt a bit insulted. I was curious to know what makes he think I look like a Christian.

"That's the first time someone had said something like that to me"

After an awkward silence, he said " You smiled"

I was confused. Was he trying to change the topic?

"You smiled a lot. All of those Muslims that I see, they don't smile. But you smile a lot. Not like them"

I smiled upon hearing his answer.

"All of the Christian nuns that I see, they wear headscarves like you. And they smile a lot. You wear headscarf. And you smile. So that's why I thought you are a Christian"

As you can guess, I was still smiling at that time. Only managed to say "Ookkkk..." Not entirely sure how to reply what he said.

And the conversation went on after that, talking a bit bout religion. He told me he does not believe in God, but only believes that in this world, there are good and bad people. I did not challenge much about that, as i was afraid he might chuck me out of the taxi if i said things wrongly. Which i do regret a bit right now. As i had the chance to enlighten him at least a tiny bit about Islam, but i did not had the guts to do so.

Anyway, the main thing that I would like to remind my friends and I (especially!) is we, as muslims, need to smile. Lighten up. Be nice unto others. Even to the nonbelievers. Obviously be nice to them accordingly. Remember, whatever we do in our lives reflects our religion. If we behave beautifully, in a way, we are showing to the world the beauty of Islam. Just imagine, something as simple as a smile might flicker the heart of the nonbelievers to learn more bout Islam. Interesting, huh. We all may not be capable to stand in front of a crowd and preach them about Islam, but we all certainly can smile!

A Beautiful yet crappy day

2009-03-18T13:39:00.000-07:00

i had a crappy start today. i took the 8 am shuttle bus to get to northern general hosp (NGH) and arrived there around 0830. I was torn into two, either to attend a clinic with Dr Stewart or to attend another ward round with the SPR. I thought that i would benefit from the clinic more, so i decided to go to the clinic. Hence, i went to the outpatient department, and went to the reception, clarifying if Dr Stewart is having her clinic today at 9. They said no.

Ok, that's weird. Cause I know she has a clinic on Wednesday. That's what is said on the timetable. So I went in to the MacMillan Palliative Care Unit again, and asked one of the staff nurses if she knew anything about the clinic. She told me that Dr Stewart does has a clinic at 9. At the Chest clinic. Its a good thing i asked her where the chest clinic was. If I had not asked, i would have ended up in Chesterman Wing.

She told me to ask the reception at the hospital main entrance. So, there I go again. Bracing myself through the quite cold morning, I hassled myself to the hospital main building. The receptionist gave me the direction to the clinic. Which led me exactly back to the Outpatient Department 1. Ok. Not good. I was back to square one.

I told the reception at OPD 1 what happen. Then she told me that "Oh, that clinic must be at Outpatient Department 2 then,". Crap. Super crap. That is a long way from where I was then. I did not even have to think long before deciding that I am just going to miss the clinic and attend the ward round instead.

Which I did. And, as always, it was a depressing round. All of the patients are dying. One of them is too drowsy to stay awake. One of them looks like a bag of bones. Huhu. They are all in such a heart breaking condition. Which reminds me, one of the patients that I saw on Monday passed away on Tuesday. This is just a sad, sad placement..

By noon, i was supposed to clerk a patient for tomorrow's ward round, but he was too tired to talk. Fair enough. I will be talking to him the first thing tomorrow morning before the ward round. Later, I took some bloods. Alhamdulillah, this time i managed. I failed miserably last Monday, and my confidence level at that time was a bit low. Alhamdulillah, I managed to do it this time at first attempt. Haish, that was the first time I took blood since almost 9 months ago!

After Zuhr prayer, I had to rush off to St Lukes Hospice. Which is at the other end of Sheffield. Fantastic. I had never been there before. I had just managed to have a peek the night before at its website on directions to get there by bus. Which did not help. Joni texted me the directions to get there. But apparently, they were inaccurate directions.

I got lost by the time i stepped out of NGH. Tried to find the bus stop to catch bus 81 or 82, but failed. Apparently, I walked out to the wrong entrance. So, I had to walk all the way around that extremely and annoyingly HUGE NGH to get myself to the right entrance. Tried to find the right bus stop. But again, to no avail. It was rather hot at that time. My stomach was churning as I had nothing to eat since 7 am. Lets just say I was not in my best condition.

I grabbed the bus to city. I was completely clueless on how to get there from city centre. The 81 bus driver and I had quite a long chat, trying to figure out the best way for me to get there. Hehe. Bless him. He tried to help, but the plan didn't work out. Argh. I felt like crying at that time. Me and directions. Me and going places. Me and my bearing. ALWAYS FAILS.

It was 10 to 2. And my session starts at 2. Tears started to well up. As always. Huhu. I couldn't be bothered to find the right bus anymore. I just proceed with Johan's suggestion. Take the cab. How much it would cost me didn't matter at all to me at that time. I couldn't care less. I just want to be there. As fast as I can.

And i did. I took a cab, and arrived there 15 minutes late. Turned out, another 2 of our members got lost as well. Hey, I am not the only one. Hehe.

An interesting thing happen on my way to the hospice. Which will be written in the next post as this post is now getting too long. Hehe

Value of Life

2009-03-16T11:05:00.000-07:00

"What do you think is happening?" she asked, soflty.

"I think the paralysis is slowly creeping up. It is now affecting my lung" He said, slowly. Slowly, but bravely.

I could see the look of hope on his face. Hoping that the doctor would prove him wrong. Hoping that the doctor would tell him that he is not going to die anytime soon.

But deep inside, he knew what was coming. He knew that those are only false hopes. He knew he has not got much time left. I can tell from the look from his face.

"You are right. I do think your lung is affected now"

Bravely, he nodded. He was too shuddered to talk. The doctor was as well. Silence fill the room.

I was still able to hold myself, until..

"If, lets say, things change markedly, would you want to go home to die?" asked the lady doctor.

"Yes, please. I want to die at home" He was starting to cry when he said that. He could no longer hold his tears from streaming down his pale face.

He told us how he wanted to be with his wife when he dies.

He told us how he have been happily married to his wife for 58 years. And soon, he is not going to be there for her anymore.

He showed us the current photograph of them together, taken by one of the professional photographer in the hospital.

That was when I started to cry. I was choking from my own tears. I was trying hard, not to cry. But, man, it was not easy. Especially when a man cries.

Of course I did not wail or stamped off the ward crying. I did managed to control myself. Although a few drops of tears leaked out, to be honest. It was just too sad. Too sad, that it was just impossible not to cry. Even the consultant that i am with told me that she was about to cry. So hey, i am not the only one.

I wonder what it feels like to know that your time is up. What would you do? How would you be spending your remaining days before leaving the world for good?

I would be praying non stop. Asking and pleading for His forgiveness. Day in and day out. For i have sin too much. But I might not have the strength to do that then. My muscles might give way, not allowing me to sit up, let alone stand up, to pray. Of course, Allah has given us the allowance to pray whilst lying if that's all we are capable of. But, the feeling is just different. You get what I mean, don't you. So, while we have the physical ability to do so, lets pray as much as we can. For nobody and nothing can grant us forgiveness apart from Him..

This is going to be a depressing week. Depressing, yet a valuable week as it teaches me the value of life.

To all of those people that i love, i love you. To all of those people that i have hurt in one way or another, i am truly sorry for whatever i have done..

End of GP placement

2009-03-12T03:35:00.000-07:00

It has been ages since I last updated my blog. I am busy all right, but am not THAT busy. I just don't feel like writing.

I am about to finish my 7 weeks Community Placement ie GP placement. How do I find it? Quite relax, I have to say. Not relax, as in I don't have anything to do. Relax as in I don't have to go in to the surgery for the whole 5 days. We were only obliged to attend the surgery for 3 days in a week. I am expected to go in on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

Monday is always my full day. Starts from 9 til 6-ish. Might even drag til 7 if there are loads of emergency patients. Apparently, these emergency patients prefer to come later in the day! Oh well, I am not complaining.

Every Tuesday, I will be in Sheffield for my group tutorial.

It is either Wednesday or Friday when I have to go to the 7 am surgery. Which means I have to wake up as early as 5 am to catch the 6 am tram to Tinsely. From Tinsely, I have to walk all the way to Brinsworth Medical Centre which normally took me around 30 minutes to get there! Oh well, I take that as a good form of exercise. I do find myself taking less than 30 minutes now to go there. Which is a good sign. My stamina is finally catching up.

Thursday is my day off. Normally, I would feel too guilty to spend the whole day doing things other then work. Huhu. Quarter or half of the day is OK. Not the whole day. Anyway, I do have my audit to work on, so I could not manage to take the day off anyway.

And now, I only have 1 day left for the placement. Sad? Not really. Excited? A little bit, perhaps. Not that I did not enjoy the placement. I do. I just feel that I am ready for a change now. 7 weeks has been a bit too long. Haha. How on earth am I going to cope with working life later on? Haish.

This placement has been a wake up call for me. It is time to do more work, Aliaa. By now, history and examination should be flawless. Well, to be fair, maybe not flawless. But near to flawless. And at the stage I am now, I should be able to come up with a concrete management plan. Or so they say. Huhu.

My first experience to handle an entire consultation by myself was quite scary. The complexity of the patient's case is far from difficult. Easy, i must say. It is just a SIMPLE COLD! The patient complained of coughing, runny nose and etc. I took the history, did the examination. Fine. By the time it gets to management plan, my feet is no longer on the steady ground. I am doubting myself. Doubting my own clinical judgement. What if I am wrong? Based on his history and examination, I believe it is just common cold. But I can't help but thinking what if it turns out to be pneumonia or something worse like that? A man's life is at stake. I kept looking at my supervisor for reassurance when I was telling that patient my management plan. He simply nodded, assuring me that it is ok to go on. At the end of my consultation, he took over. And I simply could not resist the feeling of relief straight after that. It was just a simple case, but I felt my responsibility over that patient is ocean-deep. Huhu.

Why am I a Muslim?

2009-02-25T12:59:00.000-08:00

Does God Exist?

That was the topic of the talk that I went to this evening. Quite an interesting talk. Personally, what caught my interest was the Q&A session. I was intrigued to hear what the other non muslims think about Islam. I was intrigued to know how they feel after hearing the talk. Are they annoyed? Have a twitch of interest or curiosity of Islam flickered at all? At least a tiny, tiny bit.

One question from the audience, who is a non muslim, caught my interest. One simple question. A one sentence question. But the question had quite a big impact on me, I have to say.

"Why are you a Muslim?"

Simple as that.

But, if that question was directed to me by my non muslims friends, I would be left in awe. I would have not known how to answer that question.

After that question was delivered, I questioned myself. Why am I a Muslim?

I am a Muslim because I am born and brought up as a Muslim.

Now, if I were to give that as an answer, I would not blame the non muslims for not being convinced. Even I myself am not satisfied with my own answer.

Why am I a Muslim?

I do believe in Allah, please by all means, do NOT get me wrong. I am thankful to Allah for giving me this nikmah of Islam. A nikmah that is not given to everyone. I do not want to take this nikmah for granted, which I am afraid that I might have. I am afraid that there are times in the past 23 years that I have lived where I have taken it for granted. I have breathe in His air, walked on His ground, using the legs that He gives me. And yet, I have sinned.

Just because we are born as Muslims, we tend not to learn much about it. Just because we are born as Muslims, we do not appreciate it as much as the newly reverts.

It is a shame, ain't it. It is like receiving a key to an extraordinarily beautiful castle, but only to leave it in the desk, collecting dust.

Just some thing to ponder upon.

don't make me hate you

2009-02-16T23:40:00.001-08:00

I hate people who loves to judge others blindly. Benci. If you make judgement on others, that means that you are no better than the person that you are judging. Please, who are we to judge? If you think you have the right to judge because you are a better off person than the person that you are judging, then think again. You are dead wrong. Oh please, save me from the crap, saying that "No, of course I don't think i am a better person than (s)he is." You do think you are. If not consciously, then, subconsciously. That's why you judge. Plain fact.

Snow Snow Snowwww

2009-02-02T13:23:00.000-08:00

The fact that it snowed yesterday did not surprised me. In fact, it was expected to snow yesterday. What surprised me was the fact that it actually snowed the WHOLE day yesterday. And i seriously mean, the whole day. Like 24/7 whole day. Haha. Ok. Jakun. I am. But this never happened before. Well, at least not for the past 4 years I've been here. That's why I am being all hyped and euphoric. Hehe. Pardon me for that as this does not happen so often.

I had quite a bad start yesterday. My dysmenorrhoea striked again. It hurts like mad. The sweaty palm. The throbbing pain. I felt as if my limbs had gone paralysed. It was unpleasant. I was sent off yesterday by my consultant. Instead of having a full day yesterday, I only ended up going to the morning clinic with Dr Vorah. After spending almost half of my day bounded to bed, my housemates headed off to the park to play snow. Despite the overwhelming desire to join the fun, I had to abstain myself. My consultant gave me a day off, and I just felt really guilty if I actually go and out and play instead when i should be in the clinic, assisting him with his patients til 5 o'clock. Hence, I decided to stay in bed.

I managed to surpress that crazy urge to go and jump in the piles of white snow til 6-ish. Later right after dinner, I could not take it anymore. I just HAVE to go out and play!!! Hahahha. So, I dragged my other housemates and Muni whom willingly joined me to play. We just played at our house backyard, but it was oh-so-much-fun! I was on top of the moon. My spirit just seemed to lift. I felt high. Hahahha. I don't know why people do drugs. Playing snow seems to work for me. Hahhaha.

And this morning, I am supposed to head off to NGH for tutorial at 9. My mate texted me, saying that it was still not confirmed if our tutor is going to make it to the tutorial today as her car is stranded in the snow. Secretly, I prayed that it will be cancelled. Hahaha. Bad, i know. I am.

Anyway, despite praying fervently, hoping that the tutorial will be cancelled, I braved myself to Hallamshire Hospital to wait for the shuttle bus to get to NGH. My oh my. The journey to Hallamshire is one hell of a journey. I almost tripped like a thousand times. The journey which normally took 10 minutes doubled due to the slippery road! Walking uphill does not helps either!

By the time I got to the bus stop, I met a few of my mates. To my disgust, apparently the shuttle bus is not running today due to the snow. OMG. How irritating. I almost injured myself, for nothing! Oh well, even though we were a bit annoyed that we had put our lives at risk by walking to medical school for nothing, but we were happy that the tutorial was cancelled. We have a day off. Yayyyyyy. hehehhe.

The trip back home is even worse than the trip going to med school. Instead of walking uphill, now, I had to walk downhill instead! Arghhh. The thought of it scares me. When I looked at the slopy hill, my spine shivers. Huhu. Am I going to survive this without falling onto my back and cracking my head on the slippery ice? That is not a pretty image.

There's no other way. I had to go down the hill. The other options imposed just as much risk. So, I literally walked like a penguin. Slowly. With extra care. Yet, I managed to slip like a thousand times. I clunged onto whatever I can grab all the way down. Even twigs helped! Hehhe. I was holding my breath all the way. I laughed to myself everytime I almost slipped. A lot of people walked pass me. With NO problem at all!! Wonder how they managed to do that. I am struggling here!!

Alhamdulillah, I did managed to get back home safely. I felt so tired, as if I had just went of skiing. Hehhe. I blame the boots that I'm wearing. hahahha. Oh well. Finally I am home. The only place where I feel safe now. Hehhe.

Freakin out, huh?

2009-01-27T09:47:00.001-08:00

My stomach is churning. Queasy. Uneasy. Again, this familiar feeling is haunting me. The feeling that I normally would have the night (or perhaps nightsss?) just before starting something new.

Phase 3B. Another 1 year and a half. And then, insyaAllah, hopefully, i will be a medical graduate by 2010.

Im starting off with a Community and Palliative Care placement ie GP placement. I will be in Rotherham for this placement. In fact, I am chucked in Rotherham for almost two thirds of my placement this year. I might as well just move to Rotherham!! hehe. Of course, I had the melodramatic whining 'Why am i placed outside of sheffield again this year?' episode for a day or so. (Oh crap, I might be having a histrionic personality disorder here! Hahahha) But then, now that I am all rational, I am thankful to be placed at Rotherham, which is less than an hour away from Sheffield, instead of being chucked to who-knows-where.

To be honest, I am quite freaking out. I mean, I am already half way in my 4th year. I doubt doctors would take 'No, I don't know' for the answer to their questions anymore. You might get off the hook if you are in 3rd year or below. But certainly, a 4th year student giving a blank face when asked question by a consultant leaves a bad impression.

I certainly got a hands full of assignments for this semester. I will be expecting myself to be extremely busy! Huhu. Plus the need to do loads of revision. And i do mean LOADS. Huhu.
I have an audit to write up. 2 ILA masterclasses to complete. Along with presentations. Mini CEXs to hand in. Electives to be sorted out. And the list goes on.

Man, its getting scarier now that it is getting closer.

Saya rindu mereka~

2009-01-26T11:49:00.000-08:00

Saya rindu adam iman...

Rindu sangat yang teramat

Kenapa? Sebab dia comel sangat!

Abang dia comel juger. heheheh

Dia baby paling macho yang saya pernah jumpe!! hehe :P

Jangan tertipu. Ni abang dia masa kecik! Aqimannn :)

Arghhh rindu gila kat my nephewsssssssssssssssssss. Nak dokong and cubit dorang pleaseeee =(

Adult? Start acting like one.

2009-01-19T04:56:00.000-08:00

Holiday is over. I had the most marvellous 5 weeks off from books, and lectures and placements and assignments. Ahhh. Heaven!

Today, I officially am a Phase 3B medical student. Another 1 year and a half to go. I can't believe it. It feels so near! I don't know if I am well equiped enough in terms of knowledge and skills to be a doctor. A good doctor. Not just any doctor. Every medical graduates can be a doctor but not all of them can be a GOOD doctor.

Hmm. Our first day is not packed at all. Surprisingly, we only have 3 lectures! And it even starts late! At 10 am!! Ahhh, amazing! The first lecture was on Acute coronary syndrome and it hit me. I NEED to get my nose back to books. ASAP! The holiday certainly has punctured holes in my brain. I feel as if all of my knowledge has seeped out!!

Dr C gave us the second lecture. Well, its not really a lecture. It was basically an introduction to the newly developed Masterclass ILA.

"You are going to apply for job later this year," Says Dr C

Those words just give me goosebumps! Me? Work? As a doctor? Are you kidding me? I feel so invalid at that moment. Can I just be a student, and NOT work, like ever? Huhu. The responsibilities that are looking over me are so daunting. I am dealing with human's life, for god sake. Dammit. I have to work hard. hardER!

Anyways, Dr C was so pissed off at us this morning. What a great start. We've successfully made our professor angry at us on the first day of the new semester. Splendid.

Well, this is how it goes. We were given prior notice on Minerva during the winter break to make 2 selections for our ILAs. Which we did. What the medical school failed to tell us is that the system is first come first serve basis. And that just makes all of us (oh well, not all maybe. some , perhaps) go all fury. They complain that this is not fair and yada yada yada. The thing is, they complained right to the face of Dr C. The ILA Co-ordinator. Not a smart move, huh.

Some of the students went all ballistic, arguing about all sort of things.

"What if the ILA is clashed with a compulsary teaching?"

"Then you need to find a way to handle that" Replied Dr C.

The whole class went crazy. Expressing their unsatisfaction. Everyone started to talk at the same time. All of a sudden, Dr C went completely furious with the class and shout.

"It is about time you guys start to live in the REAL world. ...yada yada yada.. And you BLOODY HELL will manage it. ...yada yada yada...Stop acting like some USELESS KIDS, which you are NOT.Act like a professional"

Those words of his shut all of us up. We were all stunned. Silence filled the air. I guess, everyone was just holding their breath. Trying to sink in what he had just said to us.

Rough? I don't think so. He is right. We need to start acting like an adult. Huhu.

Sleepless nights

2009-01-10T02:15:00.001-08:00

I was fast asleep when i suddenly woke up to the sound of the ambulance siren wailing through the stillness of the night. Tried to sleep again, but I failed. I forced myself to sleep again, but only my eyes were tightly shut, but my mind was wide awake. My mind had wandered off to a place which is thousand miles away. To a far away land. A land where the word peace nor justice serves no meaning. A land where tyranny and oppression is a norm.

Many times at night, I was unintentionally taken to this far away land. The screeching sound of the wailing ambulance siren was disturbing enough for me. Whatmore the sound of bombings or explosions. I wonder if they are ever able to sleep at night, without having to feel any fear of being killed the very next minute.

Their life is being ruthlessly intruded by a troop of heartless army, led by a cold-blooded leader. They have to live their life in fear constantly. They have to see their families being killed mercilessly. They have to starve cause they know if they step out of their house, they will have to face the shower of hundreds of bullets or missiles. Living in their own homes, even, does not guarantee safety. No place is safe anymore. One of the Palestinians even said, the only way to be safe is to die.

I can't imagine having to live that kind of life. It is too scary even just to imagine it. But this is our brothers and sisters we are talking about. Even though they are not related by blood, but we are united as one by the name of Islam. We should be ashamed of ourselves if we don't feel a thing for them.

We are lucky enough to be able to live in peace. But don't be fooled. Maybe, the Palestinians are the lucky ones. Allah has given them a chance of martyr. Now,they have something farly more precious that we don't. To die for the sake of Allah. SubhanAllah. One could not ask for more.

Oh brothers and sisters in Palestine..

2009-01-04T12:49:00.000-08:00

Angry. Annoyed. Irritated. And the list goes on.

Approximately more than 400 innocent lives were deliberately taken away by their missiles and bombings. Who do they think they are? They don't even exist in the world map to begin with. They live on the land of others, acting as if the land is theirs. Killing people means nothing to them. To them, perhaps, the act of killing innocent lives is just the same as the act of squating a fly that flew into their food. The act of bulldozing other peoples' houses is just the same as dusting dirts from one's shoulder. That is how insignificant the lives of Palestinians are to them.

They, on the other hand, is oh-so-great. Their live is worth more than others. In fact, a life of one Israeli is far more noteworthy than the life of 400 Palestinians totalled up altogether.

One Israeli killed by the Hamas bombings, the whole world's media will go wild. Muslims will be labeled terrorist. Inhumane. Heartless. Atrocious.

400 Palestinians killed by this Israeli's doing, they themselves (ie the Palestinians) will get the blame. The Palestinians are the one who started it. Hence, they had to be so-called warned to stop the further bombing. And that is done by killing the lives of the innocence. Do the Israelis think we are that naive? Do they think we are that STUPID to actually fall for their lame explanation. They want to destroy Islam. Thats what they want. They are just too coward to say it. They have to come up with stupid excuses to cover their hidden agenda. Oh whatever. As if it is not clear already.

I feel so helpless. Yes, we can donate. Yes, we can do demonstrations. And yes, we can pray for them. If only we can do more to help. I guess the least we can do is to STOP BUYING ISRAELIS PRODUCT! Imagine, every penny that you spend buying their products will be channelled to them to strengthen their military action. The next time you gulp down Coca Cola, just imagine a body of a dead Palestinian being shot by the Israelis in your head. Just imagine the bloody body, lying helpless and lifeless in front of you. And you might have contributed to that. Thanks. You've managed to kill a brother or sister of yours. Huhu.

I know this is hard. But the least we can do is try. Try to boycott them. It doesn't matter how insignificant you might think this is. But, if everyone actually do this, we can bring them down.

Winter hols

2009-01-01T15:57:00.000-08:00

2008 has bade its goodbye. and i had to say, i had a lovely ending to my 2008.

on the 18th, i had just got my exam results, and alhamdulillah, i passed! I decided to treat myself with something nice, something that i had been longing for aaaages, ie a camera. Hehe. I packed my stuffs and dragged my bag to the Moor and bought myself a Canon camera, which i LOVE! Straight after, I went to the train station to catch the train to Manchester. My family was about to arrive. Everything was just SO splendid. I was delighted. Probably smiling from ear to ear all the time. I could not be more happier than this. Thank you, Allah...

Spent 2 whole fantabulous weeks with my lovely family. We just went traveling within UK. We did not get to go to lots of places, but still, i enjoyed every tidsy bits of it. We shopped like mad. I think, we shopped almost everyday, except for Christmas day. Haha. Crazy. Well, i guess this shopaholic thingy just runs in my family. Its even in my dad's blood! hahahha.

The last day my family is in UK, we were in Manchester. And, subhanAllah, out of many days, it actually SNOWED on that particular day. It snowed the whole day, and the view was just so splendid, masyaAllah. I was SOO happy that my family has got to see the snow just before they were about to leave back to home. My sis and bro, especially, went all crazy. Oh well, i did too. Haha. The funny thing was, it only snowed at Izyan's place. It only snowed in her place, but not in town centre, which is like 200 metres away from her place. Weird huh?

There's too many things to tell. I guess, it is best for me to keep it to myself, in the memory box tied up inside of my tiny head.

I am happy. Now, i can't wait for summer to come..

exams over..

2008-12-11T14:33:00.001-08:00

i had just finished my phase 3a exams just now.

the last exam was OSCE. and that OSCE was quite tough i have to say. going for the counselling station is nerve-wrecking enough. the static questions, which were just SO damn random, just make it worse! It was nothing like the past years at all. All of counselling on cystic fibrosis, down's syndrome, contraception and god knows how long the list could go on for was surprisingly not even tested. NONE.

to make things short, i did not leave the hall with a smile on my face. Oh maybe i did. a half smile, perhaps. I was a tiny bit happy because the exam was over. Finally! But the thought of the horrible OSCE kept bugging my head, hindering me from enjoying the freedom that i had just received. After months struggling and cramming myself, I should be devouring this moment. But NO, i did not.

In fact, i went straight to meadowhall with my friend after the exam. We thought retail therapy could help. But heck no. For the first time, retail therapy fails me. I did not feel like shopping at all. All of the clothes look bleak to me. My lust for shopping has just been stomped by the thought of the OSCE that just kept clinging in my head.

The idea of failing this exam repells me. I can't bear the thought of having to go through the exams again. I can't afford to resit the whole year again. Oh NO. I dread that thought.

one of my coursemates rang me just now. she thinks she might fail the exam. she sounded like she was about to break into tears. Huhu. And from the facial expressions of my other collegues right after the exam also indicate that i am not alone in this. Other people do find it hard to. Which, honestly, as bad as it sounds, relieves me a bit. I also heard one student had a breakdown in the middle of the exam and had to leave the hall. Yes. Thats just how horrible it is. Huhu.

I know that dreading about the exam will not change anything. Whats done is done. I have tried my very best for this exam, although i do feel like i could have done better. And now all i have left is Allah to turn to...

Oh please ya Allah, I need your help..

'Love' triangle

2008-12-01T12:44:00.000-08:00

I feel like i am stuck in a love triangle. A so-called 'love' triangle, made up of me, W and S. Three individuals who used to be very close to each other. Somehow, a tragedy (if i may call it that) happened, putting W & S's relationship at stake. And now, things are just not how it used to be. Things are just different. I can feel the tense between them when they are around. And I am stuck in between.

W wants me to study with her. Which i agreed to. And a couple of days later, S asked me if i want to do revision with her, which i agreed as well. And now, both of them wants to do study group at the same time, everyday. Now i am seriously stuck in between. S will be furious if she knows W did not invite S to W's study group. And I am afraid W will just be upset if I say I chose to study with S today, instead of with W.

Hence, I am seriously stuck in between. Talked to Johan bout this, and he just laughed his head off. When i think about it again, it actually IS funny. It really does sounds as if i am having an affair! Huhu. I am cheating on my studymate. How geeky is that, huh? hehe.

Now, i am currently studying with W in the morning, around 10 - 3. Then i will normally have a revision class around 7 - 8 or 9. Then later in the evening, i will have to do revision with S. And i am just simply drained. This HAS to stop. This 'love' triangle must come to an end. But to think of it, if i hold on to it, there is only a few more days left anyway. But for how much longer i can stand this, i myself am not sure.

He told me i have to choose. But i don't want to. I can have both of them, but i am the one who is going to suffer in the end. I know that. Unwise decision? Maybe..

Who said 'polygamy' is fun? It is no fun at all for me! Hehehe

exams. bwekkkk.

2008-11-25T02:29:00.000-08:00

my 4th year finals is in 2 weeks. my head is spinning. my heart is racing like mad. my stomach is churning. my throat is suffocating.. from fear.

i hate exams. i never liked it. of course, i doubt any normal human being actually LIKE exams though. huhu.

stressed, i am. i felt a tiny bit better after the study group last week. but, after doing the trial EMQ paper yesterday, i felt like i had just plunged into a blackhole. i felt as if i don't know what i know. i don't know if i know enough. urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. tensed!

so bear with me as i may get extremely irritable and snappy for the rest 2-3 weeks. sorry.

Permudahkanlah Ya Allah...... i really really want to pass this exam. T_T

Getting OLDer

2008-11-16T14:24:00.000-08:00

My ex-roomie in KMB is getting married this december. She has just announced the date of her wedding day, and urgh, as expected, i am not going to be able to attend to her wedding as i will be here in winter. huhu. Another bestfriend's wedding missed. I can't believe she is getting married. Oh well, maybe not THAT surprised coz she did tell me earlier that she is getting married this december. But, she is a year younger than me! Argh. And she is getting married first. BEFORE ME! Heheheh. Kidding. Still remember the moments we spent back when we were in KMB, in room 131 (? i can't remember if that is the right number to be frank. but it does sounds quite right. heheh). Anyway, congrats darling. You are going to be a perfect bride, wife and mom insyaAllah. I love u to d bits, bebeh.

Apart from that, last Thursday, my friends had just went for their very first job interview. JOB interview ok. We are no longer attending for scholarship interview, or university entry interview. But it is JOB interview that we go to now. Gosh, that just sounds SO serious. and so OLD! I feel so proud of my friends. I feel as if they are growing up! hahah. Now, i sound like a mother. But, i do feel that way for them.

As I watched them preparing for the interview the night before, my heart flickered. We are getting older. We are heading to an entirely new world, in a few months time (for them, that is. Mine is still in another 1 year and a half. huhu). A whole new responsibility is awaiting for us. A whole new environment. A whole new life.

And now, they are only a few months apart from that imaginary line which separates them for the 'different' world. And i hope, they will all pass that line without much trouble. And I hope they will be fine over the 'other' line.

Hope to join you guys at the other line in few years time insyaAllah? InsyaAllah. See you there.

till death do us apart

2008-11-12T07:11:00.000-08:00

Till death do us apart.

The famous phrase which is stated again and again in a marriage vow. Yet, how many of us actually stick to it?

Marriage is not an easy thing. It surely does sounds like fun, hehe, but the responsibilities that comes together with it is certainly not something that can simply be dissmissed.

My experience of being in placements in various departments made me aware of this. I have seen how a wife stood by her husband, who was badly disfigured due to parotid malignancy. I, myself, to be honest, was completely caught off guard when I first saw this man. His face was badly disfigured that he appeared almost less human. A 2 year old might cry if (s)he catch a glimpse of this poor man. Yes, it was that bad. But, amazingly, despite all of that, his wife was by his side all the time. Her smile never left her face. I can just sense her love to her husband when i watched her taking care of him. She must have loved him so. She really did stick to him til the very end. That poor man passed away 2 days after i met him..

I have also seen how a husband stood by his wife. His wife has bipolar affective disorder and hence her mood is very unpredictable. At one time, she will be on top of the world, and at other times her mood will be as low as if she had dropped into a blackhole. When she was low, she will be wailing and crying and will be having the nasty flashbacks of all of the horrible things that had been happening to her. She hates doctors and refuse to trust anyone. She takes every small things seriously. She was just a difficult patient to manage. I have been with them for the past 5 weeks, and i can see how her husband is trying to cope with her wife. He cried for her, wanting only the very best for her, which is something that she failed to see. Obviously because she has poor insight about her condition. They had a 'drama' yesterday during the ward rounds, and she insisted on leaving without her treatment. Her husband tried to persuade her to stay, but failed. I was afraid that he might burst his temper and force her to stay, but amazingly, he did nothing like that. He was so calm and tried to convince her again that she needs treatment, but to no avail. In the end, he left the consultation room, crying..

So now i see how marriage is a serious thing. You've made a vow to be with your wedded husband (or wife) till death comes. For better or worse.

p/s: i am unwell and was told to relax hence here i am, blogging. heheh.

pencuri jahat

2008-11-05T06:54:00.000-08:00

I was busy empiring the netball practice yesterday. Out of the blue, i suddenly had this urge to check my mobile. Azian rang me three times. I wondered what's going on.

Then, i noticed that I've got a text from her as well. I opened it, and my jaw dropped to the floor when my eyes read the text sent to me.

"Akak, rumah kita masuk pencuri. Laptop Kak Elly kene curi"

Flabbergasted, I don't know whatelse to do but to shout out Emy's name as loud as possible.

"Emy, rumah kita kene masuk pencuri!"

That's all that i managed to say.

Shocked, both of us ran towards home without thinking much.

Yes. Our house was broken into yesterday. By two annoyingly heartless human being.

These men are crazy, i tell you. Too brave, thats why i call them crazy.

First thing first. It was only 20 minutes before 7 when they broke into our house. It was dark, but to be fair, the office next door was still open at that time. My housemate's bedroom , which was where they broken into, was in the first floor. That means they had to get on the big bin which was conveniently located near the pipe which they clung to, that led them to her bedroom. (You see, watching CSI does helps!) The light in her room was on. And, her room was at the FRONT side of the house. Yet, these did not stopped them from breaking in. Crazy, aren't they?

They only managed to nick one laptop and an ipod and an external hard disk. It is a huge relief that no one was hurt in this incident. But still, the thought of these people being in our house, messing with our things, when 3 of the other members of the house were having meal in the kitchen just gave me goosebumps.

BENCI. That's all i can say. I just hate this insecure feeling. After that incident, i don't know how many times i checked if my window and door is locked before going to bed. Even after locking them, i was still afraid to go to bed. i HATE them for doing this to me and my housemates..
Hopefully my housemate whose laptop was stolen will be strong in facing this tribulation. Everything happens for a reason. InsyaAllah, there is a hikmah behind this..Be strong, my love.

the pencuri: i hate you. period.

Mood

2008-11-03T09:46:00.000-08:00

Mood are contagious, aren't they? Huhu. I suppose if you are talking to someone who is in an elated mood, your mood somehow will be lifted as well. And if you are talking to a person who is crying, interestingly, you will find your eyes welling up with tears as well.

This is a problem that i have to face with this Psychiatry placement. Too much emotion is involved. Everyday, people will come up to you, crying their eyeballs off. Each and everyone of them will have a different story to tell. Different but similar in some manner. And ALL of the stories are tear jerkers. It is just impossible not to cry. And to make it worse, they cry in front of me. Which is something that i can't stand. Somehow, i think my motto in life is 'If you cry, I will cry'. Huhuhu.

Just listening to their heartbreaking stories just shudders me. Just thinking about how much of the burden these people has got to carry on their shoulder just breaks my heart. I know. We aren't supposed to be emotionally attached to patients. We have to be professional as medical professionals. I am sorry. That I don't think I could manage. I am sorry for being a human being, who just can't resist to feel what other people is feeling.

What makes it worse is when some of the patients are just too depressed to speak. They are the ones that will walk into the clinic with a solemn look on the face. Their eyebrows looked as if they are 'knitted'. They stooped as if they have the problems of the whole world weighing them down. Their eyes are locked to the ground. Without even blurting a word, they will just break down and cry. These people are the ones that wreck my heart the most.

I feel like holding their hands, hugging them, telling them that everything is going to be ok. But no, for them life is no longer worth living. It is worthless. They themselves feel worthless. They could not even bother less to live another day. To live a life that no longer has any meaning to them anymore.

It just hurts me when this one patient burst in front of me, begging me to cure her. "Please doctor. Do something. Make me better. I don't want to live anymore." Those are her words, which are still playing in my head over and over again. I was dumbfounded. There is nothing much that i can do but to offer her some word of comfort. I feel helpless.

I love this placement. I guess it makes me appreciate life better. I wonder if i might be a psychiatrist in future? Hehe. Who knows..

Leaving me on a jet plane

2008-10-29T13:12:00.000-07:00

An unknown number rang my mobile this afternoon. Wondering who it was, i picked it up with a nonchalant voice (i was cramming my head for exams at that time. I was not in the mood to talk, really). Then, a sweet girly voice who introduce herself as Sarah spoke over the other side of the line. In the 'mamai' mood, i answered 'Oh Sarah'. As if i know who it was when in fact i had no idea which Sarah i was talking to. When she said "Akak Aliaa, kami nak balik dah esok ni". That was when it hit me. Oooh Maisarah! My adik angkat! Ohgosh, did she just say that she is going to leave tomorrow?

Huhu. Yes. She is. In fact, her whole family is. My foster family. Who has been kind enough to accept me into their family for the whole 3 years and so. And now, they are leaving me. Tomorrow. In a matter of 2 days, they will be safe and sound in Malaysia. Thousand miles apart. Haish.

Alia, Abg Kamil, Kak Mar, Me, Sarah, Mas

Oh well. Slowly slowly people surrounding me are starting to leave me. I can't even get myself to think what it is going to be like next year. No. I lied. I refused to think what its going to be like. Because i know it is just not going to be the same without these girls in my life : Atie, Dianah, Elly, Emy, Hunt, Jihan, Muni & Zack (nama disusun ikut alphabet untuk mengelakkan salah faham. hahhah)

They are all final years. Yes. That means i am going to be the only senior left next year. Ohgosh, i am going to be like a super senior kot next year. Which makes me feel and sound so old. Which doesn't help.

Ntah. I know there are going to be juniors left. I am not alone. But, somehow, i AM alone. Entah lah. Don't know how to say it. And Emy is sweet enough to make sure that anyone around me not to mention this final year thingy in front of me. Fair enough. Just avoid it as much as i can. Just even hearing bout it hurts me. Whatmore to experience it myself next year.

Oh well, lets just cherish the remaining times that we have then.

Jang & De'e. RINDU!

crazy bout adam

2008-10-20T11:03:00.000-07:00

adam + dummy = inseparable!

cute

too cute

urgh. extremely cute kot dua org budak ni!

rindu nak dukung n peluk adam!

L A Z Y !

2008-10-18T13:41:00.000-07:00

i'm stressing out. i am being too lazy. too laidback. and my exam is just around the corner. argh!

i am hating myself for allowing this laziness to conquer my fragile self. i am stressed out because i am being too lazy, when being lazy is the last thing that i should be up to with the finals crawling closer and closer by day and i am effing freaking out.

but i know freaking out will not do any good.

nor will babbling on the blog. uhuh. what am i doing?!

ok. get back to work. stop being lazy. someone, motivate me please!!

Neurology placement

2008-10-09T14:14:00.000-07:00

my 2 weeks neurology attachment has come to its end. did i enjoy the module? Perhaps i did. Maybe not as much as i enjoyed O&G, but it was not as bad as Paeds i guess.

Ive got to see a lot of interesting patients. Mostly with interesting cases.

The ones that i remember the most is the patient with Myasthenia Gravis (neuromuscular junction disorder. trying to do some revision here. heheh). He was such a sweet guy, that he insisted on carrying a chair for me all the way from hallway to his bay. Mind you, he is 79! But he is one strong fellow. And supposedly, for a guy with Myasthenia Gravis (it is a condition which makes your muscles go weak), he is super duper strong. Heheh. Ah, he is just nice.

I also remember seeing two different patients with Guillain Barre Syndrome (GBS), both presenting differently. One is perfectly pink & healthy, up and about. And the other was lying helplessly on the bed, with tubes and wires running all over her body. They were both at the opposite end of the extreme spectrum of the disease. It was just scary how it varies.

And the other patient who can't speak. I was just loitering around in the ward one day, decided to do something useful instead of just standing at a corner and not do anything. So, i randomly went to a patient and introduced myself to him and asked if he mind me taking history from him for a while. He nodded, hence, i proceed with my usual routine. I first introduced myself, and later i asked him what his name was. He shook his head, and started to do some movements with his hands. That was when it striked me; he could not talk. I was stuck. Unsure what to do. It would be inappropriate for me to just say "oh its ok. i'll just go and fine another patient who can talk"

So i decided to stay and proceed with what i have started. I have never been taught how to talk to patients who can't talk. So, that was quite a challenge for me. I found myself talking at a higher note and doing sign languages, which i later realized was inappropriate. He could perfectly hear me and understand clearly what i said. He just couldn't talk. But i kept talking to him as if i am talking to a deaf person. Huhu. I did managed to change the way i talked to him later on. Hope he was not offended. Oh, we communicate using an alphabet chart by the way. That session took longer than normal since he had to spell everything out for me. Haish. Bless him for being so patience.

My oncall experience was also lovely. Get to clerk a patient, who was clueless about why he was there at the first place. Just imagine the trouble i had to go through when i had to present that case to the SHO. haha. But it did turn out all right, though.

And now, tomorrows my last day. Had weekends off and then i am off to chesterfield for my Psychiatry placement. Quite looking forward to it, i hafto say. It just sounds very interesting. hehe.

nak mainnnnnnnnnnn T_T

2008-10-09T11:39:00.001-07:00

saya nak main netball.

tapi nampak gayanya, macam dah takde harapan je untuk nak tubuhkan team netball yang baru.

argh geram nye kot! tak cukup oranggg.

kak titie, kak syidot, kak ind, kenapa perlu pulang? huhuhu

netball is the only form of exercise that i enjoy the most. and now, i might not be playing anymore.

habis la. i am SO going to be fat & unfit.

ok dah. back to revision. sekadar meluahkan kegeraman perasaan. huhu

Selamat Hari Raya!

2008-10-06T09:41:00.000-07:00

Finally, we managed to snap a proper raya picture for this raya! Huhu. It is already the 5th day of Eid, but only then we managed to celebrate Eid together. Oh well, better than not celebrating at all, I guess. Eza and Izyan came over on Friday. Had a heck lot of fun and now i am coming down with a flu. huhu. Shopping and eating. That's we did. Haha

The 3 Romlis in front of my so-called White House. Hahah.

Being crazy in Weston Park before heading to Crookes for open house.

Come again, darls. Oh, next stop by request will be Manch, won't it? Hehehhe. MAKAAANNNN!

Sorry mama...

2008-10-03T07:09:00.000-07:00

I am the most horrible daughter a mom could ever have. i've forgotten my mother's birthday.

and to make things worst, i actually rang papa's mobile on dat day (her birthday is on the first day of raya in Malaysia) and got to talk to her on the phone for quite a while. And i did not wish her. I asked her what is she eating for raya breakfast, asked her what is the colour of her baju raya this year and ask her about all of the other bits and bobs, but i did NOT wish her for her birthday! OHMIGOD.

Can someone, please, just shoot me in the head. I feel so damn guilty right now.

If i were to be in her shoes, i certainly would be devastated. To have 3 of your daughters leaving you for overseas is one thing. To have your other 2 daughters going back for raya at their in laws is another thing. And to know that your daughters forget your birthday is another. That is too much. If i were her, i know, i can't take it.

Mama, sorry sangat! I know she's not reading this post. I just need to let it out. I am so going to send her a boquet of flowers and pressie all the way from UK. Sorry mama. Sorry sangat. I love you yg teramat. huhuhu.

the so-called actor/actress

2008-10-02T11:59:00.000-07:00

A doctor is a one hell of an actor.

This is what i've learnt from one of the teaching lessons during my neuro clinical placement. And believe me, that is so true.

Well, obviously I am not a doctor, yet. So, I will be talking from the medical student point of view. At least from my experience of being a medical student up til now.

Either we realize it or not, we act a lot.

We act as if we are confident, when the hard fact is that we are not. We are always thrown into the spotlight to do things that we are not good at doing yet, but still we pretend as if we have been doing it eversince we are born. "Go and do her bloods" or "You handle the clinic today and present the cases to me after seing each patient" or "Scrub in and help her with the stitches" or the worst case scenario that has ever happened to me is "Assist him for the pleural aspiration" (which is something that i have not been taught about yet. huhu)

The list is endless. But still, despite the desire to shake our head vigorously and say no and run, we found ourselves nodding and heading towards our 'task'. Step by step, we found our feet making its way towards the patient. Only God knows how fast our heart is beating at that time. How our stomachs are filled with angry butterflies, munching their way through our gut wall. But still, we managed to put on an act. And that act, somehow, managed to get us through it.

We act as if we don't care what others say about us, when in reality, our heart is grind to pieces by them. If we always took whatever these 'nasty' consultants or senior doctors say to us by heart, believe me, we would be squashed and crushed and torn apart. And that will make it even more difficult to bounce back. I learnt to put a wall of brick in my heart. I was once crushed by a consultant, and almost shattered into pieces. I almost lost my confidence. He almost make me hate doing Medicine. That was until i learn to take his seriously harsh critiscm as a challenge to myself. That, seriously, changed everything. I pretend as if he said that because he wants to see me become a great doctor. Even though i doubt that is the case, but i still pretend that was his intention. huhu.

All in all, we are no greater than others. We are merely just actors. Pretending to know something that we have no idea about. And pretending to be good in something that we are clueless about. But, this pretention, later on, helps us to have the good qualities that a doctor should have one day, insyaAllah. That, i believe.

comot!

2008-10-02T11:57:00.001-07:00

ohmigosh. why is the alignment of my post looks sooo damn horrible. for a girl who hates imperfection, this is way too much. it just looks untidy. ive tried to edit the posts a number of times, but still, it looks yucky! huhu. sorry. i did not mean to make the posts look like that. blame the technology! hehe

4th year?

2008-09-19T02:05:00.000-07:00

I'm in my 4th year? Sheesh. Can't believe it. Amazing how time flies!

I just only realized it when i was talking to a new postgraduate whom had just arrived sheffield yesterday. I was telling her bout my experience when i first land my foot on English soil.

"Saya masa mula2 dtg sini, sejuuk gile! Masa saya datang ... (my brain was trying to do some maths. trying to figure out the exact number of years it has been since i first came to UK) .. dah 4 tahun yg lepas" I said.

Oh gosh. That sounds aaaaaaaaages ago. 4 years? The PG looked surprised herself. Hehe.

"Uish dah lama kat sini?" She said.

Yes. Definitely. Sangat dah lama.

Surprise surprise, how time flew by.

My first year in Sheffield. Well, it was not exactly my best year. To be fair, I was exposed to a new place, a new culture, new people, oh gosh, everything is foreign to be exact! Then, I was still in the phase where i can't believe i am the only Malay in my course. Knowing that there are only 4 other Malaysians doesn't actually lift my mood. I was down. Intimidated. Inferiored by others. Wondering how on earth did i ended up in Sheffield all by myself. I did not even make that many new Malaysian friends for the first few months. I sticked to De'e n Jang (as they were from KMB) like a belangkas. Hehe. The other girls from KMS seems to be comfortable with their own circle of friends. And hence, the loneliness. Hehehehe =P

To reminisce about the number of times i felt weak inside. The number of times i felt like i don't belong. The number of times i felt like i can't do medicine. The number of times i cried. The number of times i felt like packing my stuffs and just leave. Oh gosh, I was certainly not in my very best condition at that time. But, somehow, alhamdulillah, miraculously, I managed.

I am fine. I can do this. If others can do this, so can you. That was what i keep reminding myself. I have to support myself. I have my own back. And I know that Allah is with me. I guess thats when i truly know what it feels like to hold on to nothing but Him. And yes, He helped me through. All the way through. And I am glad for it.

My second year. This was my turning point, i guess. I was the General Secretary of SMSA (Sheffield Malaysian Student Association), and that post helped me bloom a lot. It changed me. From a fragile person, i transformed to a stronger individual. From an inferior girl, I became a more confident person. This is when i learnt that life is not all about studying. I got to know more people. Slowly slowly, I got to create a stronger bond with the other students, especially those in the committee. I enjoyed what i was doing. Even though, we had to attend meetings everyweek, we seemed to enjoy it. We sometimes looked forward for Wednesday, because that was the day when we all get to meet. Haha. Crazy, weren't we?

It had been a hectic year, no doubt about that. The endless meetings that we had to go to, the endless hours having to crack our brain trying to figure out the best plan for the endless number of events that we had to organize for the members, the sacrifice that we had to make to make sandwich spread or grilling BBQ chicken til late night just so that the members can have their stomach filled during the events, and so on and so forth. It was just crazy. But i loved it.

My third year. This is when my life just started to get even more interesting. I have just started my clinical years. And that was super duper freaking amazing. I loved it. And i still do. Despite the fact that I was thrown all over the place (outside of Sheffield) for my placement, I still enjoy it. To be in a hospital ground is just exhilirating. I feel like a doctor already. hehehe. But a doctor with insufficient knowledge and skill, that is! Hehe. My housemates are just so lovely. I love knowing that every week when i got back home after being away for placement, i will be going back home to a lovely bunch of people. They crack me up, all the time. Laugh is certainly what we do best. Oh, and talk too, of course. We spend hours at dining table during dinner, doing talking most of the time. Hehehe. Not that i did not enjoy living with my previous housemates. But, i dunno, they are just somethingelse. Hehe.

And now, I am in my fourth year. Struggling to force myself to study for my finals this Dec. Huhu. I need to pass this exam. I have to. So please Ya Allah, please help your weak and fragile servant...

tangible feeling

2008-09-09T14:34:00.000-07:00

my feelings are all jumbled up today. i feel as if i have been riding an emotional rollercoaster ride.

to start with, i woke up this morning, on my laptop, visited my facebook for a quick peek and noticed Elly's link on her status. Hmm, i clicked on it and tadaaa. there it was. my face. Along with Ain, Emy and Elly of course, posing around the University of Sheffield stand post, in snow. Hahaha. Oh gosh. I can't believe my face was actually printed in newspaper. Hehe. Oh well, the article was not about me obviously, but the fact that my face is there, no matter how small, just gave me a jolt of excitement! Hehe. Pardon me, but my face don't come up in news paper that often, so allow me a few minutes to bask in the so-called glory. Hehe.

Anyway, that was not why I am happy in the morning.

I just heard from my cousin that my lil sister has finally confirmed her date to fly to Manchester. She is coming this Sunday, yay! I was happy for a few second. Until, my mind suddenly focused on my mom. Huhu. I really hope she will be ok. Just imagine, I am here in Sheffield. And now, my lil sister is coming to Manch. And later, insyaAllah, my elder sister is coming to Leeds for her Masters. And then two of my elder sisters might be moving out to their new home. And my other lil sister has went off to university. That leaves her with papa and my lil brother. Oh gosh. From a house packed with 9 noisy people (and that does not include extremely noisy aqef and adam!) suddenly left with only 3 not so noisy people? Huhu. Don't know why, but just thinking about it makes me sad..

And later in the afternoon, right after i had got back from attachment, i received a devastating news. A news that shocked me, and made me go pale. I could not believe my eyes when i read the text that Kak Lida wrote to me. My previous landlord has just passed away. Innalillah..Seriously, man, I was totally stunned by the news. I know, you must have think that he is just my landlord. But, no, he is actually not just my landlord. He has been my landlord for the whole 3 years! And, urgh, well, lets just say we did not have a smooth ending. We had some sort of a misunderstanding, and shamefully, I had been talking bad about him behind his back.

And now, the news about his death just shuddered me. I have sinned so much to him. Oh why, mouth, why can't you just shut up! Why do I need to say nasty things bout others? I should have bite my tongue. I hate myself for this. I feel so damn guilty..And now i promised myself NOT to backbite, again. to anyone. not even animals. No one. Just shut up, mouth. Shut up.

And tonight, as i am writing this blog, my heart has gone tachycardic. I have a presentation to do tomorrow and I am totally freaking out. Ya Allah, make things easy for me as only You are the one who can make difficult things easy...

All sorts of feelings. All in one day. I guess this is what you call human.

Malaysia oh Malaysia

2008-09-06T03:35:00.000-07:00

oh gosh, it has been a while since i last updated this blog. and now, my hand is itching to scribble! hehe.

well, i had just returned from my 8 weeks summer holiday in Malaysia. Splendid, it was. Amazing how being close to your loved ones just makes you feel different inside. Hehe.

Hmm, anyway, I did a 3 weeks clinical attachment at Hospital Serdang for my Option SSC. Thanks to my dad who had to go through a whole lot of trouble for me. Huhu. I was the one who was at wrong as I handled things last minute. I almost had to stay in Sheffield to do my Option. Argh. But, of course, my saviour came to rescue. Aigo. Ok, i have promised myself not to do the same thing again for my elective next year, insyaAllah. Hehe. Sorry papa. Luv you lots though. Hehe

Thanx to Papa, I got to do A&E placement in Hospital Serdang. I know, it was quite far off from Subang. But, that was what I got, and I did not complain. Since I can't drive (have no guts to drive, actually. huhu), so I had to get a lift to Serdang every day. Thank you Uncle.

First day of placement. Alhamdulillah, was very relieved to find my friend doing her placement in the same department as well. Happy happy. Later, after the meeting, we were shown around by Dr Nizam. Only then, I realized, I was the only one not wearing a white coat. Oh damn. Is it a policy for the students to wear one on wards? I was panicking cause i don't have one with me. It is left in my wardrobe in sheffield. Oh great. that does not help. at all. Seriously, I felt naked at that time. Literally, that is. Huhu.

Later on, after the tour, i asked one of the doctors if they have an extra white coat. And alhamdulillah, the hospitals do offer white coat for rent! Immediately, I ran off to that place and got myself a white coat. Interesting how comfortable and relieved i felt after wearing the white coat. Haha.

To make things short, my first week was a bit boring. There was nothing much to do really. It was the second week where things only started to become interesting. I braved myself to do cannulation, and managed to successfully do one by myself after 2 initial failed attempts. Since then, I have been having this kind of 'crave' ,if i may call it that, haha, to cannulate people. Yea, crazy aren't i? When a new patient came in, I will be the first one running to the patient, hoping the patient needs to be cannulated. Hahaha. Or at least to take blood. Or even ABG. I guess i enjoy poking needles in others' veins. Hahaha.

The best experience that i gained during this placement is when i got to assist a doctor to do pleural aspiration on a MVA patient. That was supermarvellous! Now, that was one awesome hands on experience! The adrenaline rush. The pressure. The stress of having to do things right. Plus the eye of the head of department which was watching me like a hawk when i was assisting Dr Jeth for that procedure. Gosh. I loved it.

And to take histories from Malaysian patients was a completely different experience. I realized how I changed the way i speak from one patient to another. Interesting. The use of '-lah' and 'its like that wan' in an english speaking conversation miraculously emerged after being burried for quite some time. Hehe. And mind you, i had accidently said '-lah' with my English friends when i was talking to them recently. Hehe.

Oh well, i really enjoyed my placement in Malaysia. Everything is just so different. And i can't wait to actually work in Malaysia. I think my mind is made up. I am going home after i graduate insyaAllah. Just pray that i will pass this phase 3a exam first though! heheh.

Till then, wassalam =)

2nd episode of Paris trip (beware: EXTRA LONG!)

2008-07-26T23:14:00.000-07:00

As promised. The second episode of my Paris trip.

24 June 2008 (day 2)

We woke up around 730 ish am. All fresh and bright. Almost 100% recovered from yesterday's trauma. Huhu. We were all geared up and excited. Disneyland is waiting for us! Yay!! Hehe. I hopped off my bed, rushed to the shower. The thought of Disneyland just brings a smile to our face. Haha. (I know, I am 23. But hey, there's always a kid in each and everyone of us. No matter how old we are!) Silently, I prayed that today, things will turn out better than it was yesterday.

However, surprise surprise, it seems like my prayer was not granted.

Ok, lets start from the very beginning.

We were busy packing our stuffs, while munching on the croissants that i had brought from tesco before we flew to Paris. We were in our la la land, probably already imagining ourselves having fun in Disnyeland, until Munirah asked me a question. A question that killed the excitement. A question that abruptly changed our mood. My mood in particular.

"Akak, tiket Disneyland ada?" She asked.

I stopped whatever I was doing at that time and stared at her. Blur.

"Eh, bukan ada ngan awak ke?" I answered.

"Eh mana ada. Saya ada tiket saya je. Kan saya dah email kat akak tiket akak. Akak dah print kan?"

I was dumbfounded. Argh. I did not have my Disneyland ticket with me! (We printed our tickets in IC a day before flying off to Paris. She had shown me a ticket with Disneyland picture on it, and at that time, I thought she had printed off the tickets for both of us. I absolutely had no idea that we had to individually print off our tickets!)

Munirah felt extremely guilty and I myself felt guilty for making her feel guilty! Huhu. It was my fault, not hers. So, to make her feel less guilty, I put on a smiling face and said "Its ok. We try and find a place to print the ticket. Mesti ada cafe internet kat sini. Kalau takde, akak beli je la tiket baru"

I was determined to buy myself a new ticket. I am already in Paris. Heck. It will be a loss not to go to Disneyland! I did not mind raking out another 50 euro for the tickets.

So we headed out of the hotel, trying to find any internet cafes. There were actually quite a number, BUT, it was only 830 then, and NONE of them were open. Huhu. We walked quite far off from our hotel, but to no avail. Hence, I decided that I will just buy myself a new ticket. So, we tried to get ourselves to the metro station, only to find ourselves lost (again!). As usual, we thickened our face and asked help from the locals. And alhamdulillah, we managed to find our way.

As soon as we arrived Disneyland, smiles were plastered to our face. It was an automatic reflex, I guess. Haha. We snapped some pictures and headed off to the ticketing booth. My jaw dropped to the floor when my eyes saw the price for entrance ticket. It was almost double from the price that i had paid for the ticket when i bought it online! Crazy! I was seriously in dilemma then. Thinking if it was worth it to spend that much money just to see Mickey Mouse and friends. huhu. But, I was not going to let Munirah down, so I headed off the counter with her and asked for the price confirmation. I explained to the lady that i forgot to print my ticket. And alhamdulillah, she told us that they provide printing facilities! Yayyyyyyyy. Happy i was. Seriously. Hahaha. We printed off my ticket and happily went into Disneyland. Hehe.

We snapped and snapped and snapped. We even bought ourselves a Minnie Mouse ears. Hahaha. We wore them, pretending to be cute! Hahaha. It was fabulous. But, that was not for long. Huhu. We were happily taking pictures after pictures after pictures, when suddenly, the camera just stopped working!!!! Huuuuuurgh. For whatever reason, it just refused to work even after turning it on and off for the umpteenth time. Devastated, not knowing what to do. We had to roamed and called a few of our friends back in Sheffield for help but to no avail. Lastly, we decided to take the suggestion from Mr Jo. We bought ourselves 2 disposable cameras! Huhuhu. Sad huh?

We refused to let that ruin our mood. We thickened our face and snap and pose and snap. Hah. We could not care less what others think of our manual disposable camera. Haha. We want our memories in Paris to be captured in pictures. So be it if our camera is not as superb as the others. Hahaha.

We spent a splendid 6 hours in Disney and we were damn knackered! Hot, sweating, sticky with unpleasant odour! Huhuhu. We stank. Hahahha. But it was worth it. Hahaha.

Later that evening, we decided to go to Eiffel Tower. We know it looks more gorgeous at night, and seriously, it does! We waited for almost an hour to get up. It was well worth the wait. We climbed up all the way to the first and second stage. And, oh man, was I exhausted! I was panting, and sweating like mad. I felt like i've just ran a marathon! Huhu. But, it was all worth it. The view was superfabulous. Frustrated though as we were not able to capture our memory at Eiffel in pictures. Oh well, the memory will always be engraved in my heart. Hahaha.

Anyway, by the time our feet touch solid ground again, it was almost 1030 pm. We decided to hang around at the park across the Eiffel tower, just so that we would be able to get a nice view of the tower from far. The park was packed with people, lying around on the grass. We joined the crowd for 30 minutes or so and then decide to leave around 11 pm.

We get on the metro to St Ouen metro station and arrived there around 1230 am. We walked to the exit, simply taking our time. When we reach the exit, I could feel my whole body froze. I could not believe what I have just saw. Oh no way. You have GOT to be kidding me. This CAN'T be happening!

We found ourselves LOCKED inside the metro station.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh. Seriously, I panicked and almost cried! Panic, we walked towards the other exit, only to find the exit to be closed as well. Oh gosh. We were actually trapped inside the metro. For god sake, sleeping at the metro was not on my things-to-do-in-Paris list! Huhu. Frantic, we rang some random bell, and alhamdulillah, an angry faced security guard came to the rescue. We explained what happened and he let us out of the building with an irritated look on his face. Huh.

Our story did not end there.

We somehow managed to get lost again. And this time, we were REALLY lost! We walked around in circles, completely clueless of our whereabouts. We asked a passerby, followed his direction, and half way tru, we get lost again. And again and again and again. Can you imagine, it was almost 2 am, and we found ourselves walking in the middle of the street of Paris. Unsure of where to go! All I could think about at that time was Why. There has got to be a reason for this to happen. I took it as a punishment from Him. Huhu.

I was so stressed out that i refused to talk. Poor Munirah. Sorry girl. I was so stressed at that time because as your senior, I held the responsibility of looking after you! She kept talking, probably trying to ease the tension. But I kept walked in silence. Huhu. Seriously, I was scared.

We somehow ended up finding our way to the Hotel around 2.30 am. Crazy! Tell me about it. Huhu.

Paris (1st episode. hehe)

2008-07-18T22:16:00.000-07:00

I am supposed to be doing my clinical case presentation for Monday, but I am running out of ideas. Hence decided to give my blog a visit. It has been ages since I last updated my blog! Sheesh. I guess I have been s00000 busy for the past few weeks, that I completely did not have the time to scribble a thing or two in my blog. huhu. And now I plan to put aside my presentation for a while and write about my incredibly and ridiculously unforgettable yet fun trip to Paris.

Me and Munirah went to Paris for three days on the start of our summer holiday. Well, little did we know that we were about to embark on an 'amazing' journey! A journey that was filled with so many ridiculous and unexpected incidents. Too many absurd incidents that it is just almost impossible to forget.

Well, lets start with day 1.

23 June 2008
I had a doctor's appointment earlier that morning. My blood results were fabulous. I was happy! Headed straight to the train station as I had promised to meet Munirah there at around 1 pm. Went to the designated platform, Munirah arrived just a few minutes after I arrived. Our train arrives around 130. The train was packed! We had to sit on our handluggage in the corridor near the toilet as all of the seats were taken. Thankfully it was only a 30 minutes journey. As we arrived Derby, we left the train and waited for the shuttle bus to take us to the East Midlands Airport. The bus arrived a bit later than the scheduled time, but alhamdulillah, we did manage to get to the airport on time. Everything was going smoothly then. I was content. Thinking that alhamdulillah, this is a good start.

I guess everything started when we were in the airport. Alhamdulillah, I had no problem checking in, but that was not the case for Munirah. Apparently, her hand luggage was TOO HUGE to be fitted in the airport cabin! Ridiculous!! The size of her bag was actually smaller than the bag that i always bring for hand luggage, and yet her bag was claimed to be oversize and had to be checked in. And for the bag to be checked in, she has to pay an extra 14 pounds or so! Urgh. That was simply unfair. But, who are we to argue? Huhu. Defeated without a battle, she headed off to the BMI Baby office to pay the fee.

Later, we headed off to the security check area. My liquid stuffs were not placed in a proper transparent bag ( i simply put them in the tesco plastic bags. huhu) since my house ran out of supply. Confident that the airport will provide them for free at the entrance of the security check area, we walked to the security check area. We were about to reach the area when we realized that there were no plastic bags provided! Panicked, we walked out of the line and tried to think of what to do! I was panicking; stretching my neck, frantically trying to see if we had missed it amongst the crowd. My eyes, somehow, managed to caught this vending machine, standing proudly near the entrance of the security check area. I did not know what caught my interest, but something was not quite right with the vending machine. Oh gosh. No wonder. That was a vending machine for the transparent plastic bags! Huhu. It costs me 1.50 pounds for 2 plastic bags. Huhu. Thankfully the bags were good in quality!!

So, after putting my stuffs in the plastic bag, we headed off to the security area and alhamdulillah, no problem there. We went to see the main screen if the boarding gate has been announced, and it was not. Oh well, it was still early then. No problem. We lingered around and bought myself a sandwich and had my lunch. After a while, we checked the screen again, and still the gate number was still not announced. It says "Relax and shop". Ok. Fine. We will relax, but maybe not shop. huhu. Every 10 minutes or so, we checked the screen, and still it said the same thing. It was already nearing 4.30 pm and still no gate number. Our flight was supposed to board at 4.30! We started to get restless. We stood in front of the screen, staring at the screen, as if that will change a thing! We paced around, irritated. Oh come on. If the flight is delayed, just announce that it is delayed. At least our mind will be at ease. It was already past 4.30 and the screen still says "Relax and Shop". Urgh. How annoying.

Later on, we heard a couple saying that the gate number has been announced. All of us rushed to the boarding gate like a flock of bees swarming a field of honey! I think our flight departed about 30 - 40 minutes later than the scheduled time. And that, cost us our plan for the night! Huhu.

We arrived Paris ( can't remember what time) and headed off to the Metro. Happy, we were. Yay. Finally, I am in Paris. Hehe. We got on one Metro and get to Saint Michael Notre Dame station. There we had to change metro to get to St Ouen station (that's where our hotel is). We somehow, brilliantly managed to get on the wrong metro and found ourselves heading towards the opposite direction! After asking a passerby (who was also clueless and had to ask the metro driver for direction!), we managed to get on the right metro and headed off to St Ouen. As we arrived St Ouen, that was when a new problem arises. We had NO idea how to get to Formula 1 Hotel from the station! Huhu. To make things worse, it was almost 1130 pm and it was completely DARK! We asked one of the workers in the metro and he told us the way to get there. And yet, we managed to get lost. Me and my bearings! huhu. Then, we simply walked through the darkness of the night. To be honest, I was scared. To be in a foreign place, where nothing is familiar in the middle of the night. Every time someone walked by, I can feel my heart beating faster. I cling to my rucksack as firm as possible, as if that would protect me from danger. Huhu.

Alhamdulillah, after walking in circles for almost 20 minutes, we later managed to bump into a group of ladies. They walked us off to the hotel. It was almost 12.30 when we were finally there. Crazy. I know! You have no idea how I thank Allah right after we bunked into our room. Our first day was already a disaster! We naively hoped and prayed that tomorrow will be better. My body was aching, my stomach was grumbling. And yet, I managed to sleep through the night like a baby.

Fuh. There's more to tell. I will continue in the next post. huhu. Till then, ciao.

netball maniac, i am.

2008-06-21T12:46:00.000-07:00

Sheffield netballers.

i'm crazy about netball. crazy enough to be writing one special post about it in my blog. haha.

i still remember, the first time i learned how to play netball was aaaaaaaages ago! hehe. I was in Standard 5 (11 y/o) back then. It was during our PE. Cikgu Nazri was the man who is responsible for this addiction of mine. I can still vividly remember the first time I tried to shoot the ball trough the net. The ball went into the hoop (yay!! hehe) , but as it got tru the hoop, it 'successfully' hit Cikgu Nazri's head! Owch!! Hehehe. Sorry cikgu. That was not done on purpose. Hehe.

Til then, I started to be obsessed with netball. I joined the primary school's netball team, and remember going to the MSSD tournaments. And then, as I got into high school, without much thought, I registered myself for the netball club. And, alhamdulillah, managed to play for the school as well. And again, I spent almost every afternoon (or alternate afternoon or so. dah tak ingat!) to practice at the netball court. Main sampai hitam. Hahah. Campur lagi dengan hitam berkawat almost setiap petang. Extra hitam dan berkilat. Hahahhaa. How my parents (esp my dad) was furious when he see how 'tanned' her daughter has become! Hehehhe.

Right after secondary school, I went to Kolej Mara Banting. And yea, you got it right. I joined the netball club as well, and played for college. I can remember how Izyan and I religiously went for the netball practice twice a week. Since there's nothing much really to do in KMB, the day that i look forward to the most at that time was the day when I have netball practice in the afternoon. Don't ask me why. It just lift my spirit.

And it still does. Now i am in Uni of Sheffield, I am still actively playing netball. And, subhanAllah, all of the Sheffield team players are amazingly SUPERB!!! That just makes me loveeeeeeee netball more. hehehe. But sadly, majority of them are going home this year. Huhu. I wonder if we still manage to get enough people to form a proper netball team. Seriously, i just can't imagine how BORING my life would be next year if there's no more netball.Warghhhh.

Why do I love it so much?
I don't know, really. I just love the idea of having to run and jump to catch the ball. It just makes me feel so free. So light. So alive! Hehe. And if I get to shoot the ball tru the hoop, that will be an extra pinch of satisfaction to me. hehehe.

Prejudice

2008-06-17T12:45:00.000-07:00

Prejudice. Deny all you want, but either you realize it or not, we always have this negative attitude within us. It is as if we are born and bred with it. As if it runs in our veins, crawling under each and every inch of our skin.

Do you realize how easily we pass judgment on people? We are all too judgmental, and I loathe it.
We see a person dressed sloppily and appear unkempt, and we think that 'owh, this person must be poor'. He might have just happen to wake up late that morning and did not had the time to don himself properly, hence appearing unkempt.

We see a man driving his car at the speed of lightning, blasting horns to every car that drive at the speed of snail in front of him, and we easily labeled him as a road bully. He might have some sort of emergency that he has to attend to, who knows.

We see a man wearing a Pagoda shirt, walking out of his E series Mercedes, and we think that he must have been filthy rich. And if we see another man donning branded attire from head to toe, climbing out of a Proton Saga, i doubt any heads will turn.

And the examples goes on and on and on.

You can deny all you want, but yes, we are judgmental. Either conscious or subconsciously,we do it all the time.

And I am sick of it. Of judging people AND being judged by people all the time. I am what I am. And I am trying to change. But i refuse to change for other's sake. Only for Him, i will change. And trust me, i am trying. Slowly maybe, but at least I am trying. I know who I am. So please, stop judging.

Be thankful peeps!

2008-06-12T11:16:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you've heard of the saying which goes " You won't appreciate what you have until you lost them". Which is so true.

But for this one man, whom I met this morning, that is not the case. Now, it is not that he is not being thankful. It is not that he is being ungrateful. But how is one suppose to appreciate something that one has never even has in the first place?

This man is born deaf. His mom had got infected with rubella when she was pregnant of him, and hence, he was born with only 5% hearing ability. His mother blamed herself for her only child's deafness (she refused to have rubella injection when she was young). But, this man, this brave man, does not feel that anyone is to be blamed for this. And certainly, not his mother.

Without his mother, he would not even be brought to this world.

He might not know what the sounds of birds gaily chirping early in the morning sounds like.

He might not be able to know what rain sounds like.

He does not even know what his own voice sounds like. (He can speak, but he can't hear himself talking. So, he is never sure if he say things correctly. Just imagine, how frustrating will that be?)

Despite all that, he is a one happy man. Heck, i think he looks even happier than me! That smile on his face never fade away, not even when he was telling us his sad story.

In fact, he said that his deafness makes him become a more positive person. He learns to look life at different perspectives.

This jovial man makes me think. He makes me appreciate more of what I have. The list of ni'mah that Allah has showered to us is endless, but how often do we thank Him for that? We always tend to take things for granted. Especially the little things. In fact, now I think of it, there is no such thing as 'little' things. None of His ni'mah can be considered as small. If you try to think about it,

if you don't have the eyelashes, you will certainly ended up having recurrent eye infection due to the continuous exposure to dust

if you break one of your thumb (or even a small cut will do!), you won't be able to write. Even eating or holding stuffs will be difficult.

if one of your nostril is blocked, you won't be able to breathe in as good as you should.

And the list goes on and on. They may sound simple, but this simple things lead to some other bigger things, which in the end, will have a huge impact on our lives.

Haish. We whine to much (or maybe not 'we'. Maybe I am the only one that whines too much). It is time to be thankful with what we have.

p/s: this is why i love medicine. It makes me appreciate life more. And obviously makes me think of Him, Allah Al Mighty more =)

Mental Health Hotline

2008-06-10T08:02:00.000-07:00

Got this joke about Mental Health Hotline from the staffs at Swallownest. You might not be able to appreciate the joke if you are non-medics. Huhu. Sorry for the discrimination. Hehe. Oh well, all of my posts have been related to medicine anyway. Copy and pasted this joke which i thought was quite funny (ie i did not write the jokes ok. nanti ada plak issue copyright. huhu) And by all means, i did not mean to make fun of those with mental health problems. huhu.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.

If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please press 9. If you have short term memory loss, please press 9. If you have short term memory loss, please press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

Home sweet home

2008-06-08T10:12:00.000-07:00

Home, is where my heart is.

"Papa dah pergi tempat emergency. Tempat Aliaa nak 'kerja' tu. Papa dah jumpa doktor2 kat situ" Aww. The ever so caring papa. He had helped me a LOT for my upcoming placement. Sayaaaaaaaaang dia bangat. huhu.

"Tengah buat apa? Hari ni tak 'kerja' ke?" Soalan favourite mama. hehe. Everytime I called, she will ask me that question. Despite the fact that it is the weekends, she never failed to ask me that question. hehe. 'Oh ye, 'kerja' is referring to my clinical attachment. Hehe.

"Abang Amir pakai kasut saiz 7 1/2 tau. Ingat, ada 1/2 kat belakang!" Kak Lisa with her constant reminder. hahahah.

" Dah beli lum kasut Clarks Abang Amir?" Abg Amir with his soalan wajib. Very d very concern bout his kasut Clarks. hahaha. If not on the fon, then tru ym via yana. Haha.

"Aqef beli toys je la. Adam pon beli toys. Baju dah banyak. Beli toys yang boleh gigit-gigit" Pesanan Elly utk hadiah anak2 comelnya. Hehe. She never asked for anything for herself nowadays. Since dah dapat anak, i guess anak comes first.

"Halluuuu beb. Ok bye" Eza. hahahahha. Gediks tak gediks? Roomie, shud i be expecting a new comfy bed this summer? ngehehehe.

" Benci IB!!! (or IT or Maths or apa2 yang sewaktu dengannya)" Hahahahha. Ok, to be fair, now that she has finished IB, i guess she won't be saying that anymore. Hehe. Izyan oo izyan. Hihi

"Dah beli belum hp yana?" Mek yana who is still undecided which hp to buy! Hehehe.

"Halu. Makcik Aliaa. Aqef ni" Mohd's umpteenth attempt to immitate suara aqef yang tak menjadi. Hahahah. Try again some other day pak mad. Hehe.

Sayup-sayup kat belakang, i can hear either suara Aqef merengek or menangis or mengira, or suara Adam menangis. Heheh.

That's how the conversation will sound like everytime i call home. Hehe.

Haish. One big happy family that i miss SO much. One big happy family that i will be going home to in a few more weeks time, insyaAllah. Haish. Kerinduan yang keamatan kot.

My kitchen. Ni je gambar rumah yang ada kat i rupenye. Huhu. Ni pon cilok from my sis's fs. Haha.

My GP placement.

2008-06-07T01:44:00.000-07:00

"You'll either love it or hate it"

That's what they all said about GP placement. And I for sure am LOVING it!

Interestingly, I find myself enjoying this placement very much. Maybe it is because of the fact that I don't have to spend my weekdays over there. I know it is more of a psychology-thingy i guess, but it is true. I feel much better knowing that i am able to go home everyday. They can detain me for long hours in the clinic, yet, i still will go home with a smiling face. Because I know i will be going home to to familiar faces and will be able to bunk in my own comfy zone everyday. That makes a lot of difference.

Despite the fact that i have to wake up early in the morning to catch a bus from the West St to interchange, and then from interchange to swallownest, i am not complaining. In fact, i quite enjoy doing that. I love having to breathe in the fresh morning air. Everything is so calm, so serene. Not forgetting the lovely sceneries that my eyes get to devour on, all the way to Swallownest. Seeing the wild yellow dandelions basking proudly under the sun, covering almost every inch of hills in this one particular area in Rotherham, just takes my breath away.

All of the staffs in Swallownest are extremely friendly and helpful. Maybe that's what that makes me enjoy my placement more. And i kind of like the idea of going to patients' houses, to treat those who are house-bound. Those who are too ill to get out of the house to walk to the clinic. To see the strong relationship between doctors and their patients just amazed me. Its amazing to see how much the patients actually confide to their GPs. They trust them, respect them and some of them even spoil their GPs with gifts and chocolates! hehe. Now, it is not that i want to be a GP so that i can receive chocolates from patients. Hehe. Don't get me wrong. I just love the bond that is build between them. Patients are not merely treated as a patient. They are treated as a whole. A human being. And this is something that you rarely find within the hospital settings.

I got to see the patients at their houses by myself every now and then. And oh my, they can go on and on and on talking about every bits and bobs about their life. What was meant to be a formal visit ( i was meant to take their medical history from them) always turned out to be a friendly tea party! hehe.

Oh well, it is about to come to its end now. I only have another week left for this placement. Then, i have a week on Personality and Professional Development ( i am not sure how the med school is going to make us a professional within a week!hehe). Then I am to Paris for 3 days. And last but not least, i am off to Malaysia!! Yay. Then i have to do 4 weeks of A&E in General Hospital KL. To be honest, i am quite freaked out bout this. To do attachment in Malaysia is something totally new to me. Not sure if i will be able to handle it. Hopefully i will! huhu.

missing him loads!

2008-05-26T09:58:00.001-07:00

he is unbearably cute..huhu

"Ayah" "Lori" "Cici (ie makcik!hehe)

Heheh. Those were among the words that blurted out of his mouth this afternoon. Finally, i got to hear him talk! Haish. Aqef Iman..why do you have to be so cute!? Missing you LOADS. can't wait to see you this summer holiday, eventhough i think i will be alienated by him as he might see me as a stranger. huhu. nyways, i still can't wait to go home!! weee~

Nursing home..

2008-05-17T05:53:00.000-07:00

Dr Holmes brought me to a nursing home last Tuesday. I've never been to one before, but to be frank, I always had an ugly picture of it in my mind. And mind you, now that i've been there and witnessed it with my very own eyes, i am afraid i have to say the ugly picture that i had in my mind is true after all. It is an ugly place to live in. Not ugly, as in figuratively ugly. Huhu. But literally speaking, i would never want my parents to ended up there one day. If i live long enough, this is a vow that i am going to make to myself.

I found the visit quite depressing. To start with, the first patient that i saw just passed away. 20 minutes ago, she was talking, breathing and fine. The next 2o minutes, she was pale and stone cold. She was gone. Just like that.

The only thing that popped up in my mind back then was fear. Not that i fear of dead bodies (I was left alone with her body for a few minutes while the doctor and nurse ran out of the room to get gloves. uhuh)

I fear of death. Knowing that the clock is ticking, but the good deeds that i have done is too little if compared to my mountain-high sins.

Nothing is guaranteed in this life.

You are not guaranteed to have a successful life.

You are not guaranteed to have a blissful wedded life.

You are not guaranteed to have a continuous prosperous health and wealth.

Heck, you are not even guaranteed the next breath!

If He wants to take it from you, then He will take it from you. Cry all you want. Run as fast as you can. Fight as hard as you like. But if He wants to make things happen, then He will make things happen. Kun Fayakun..

Anyway, regarding the nursing home..

Obviously, the residence of the nursing home are the elderly. Old and crippled. Left all alone to die in the nursing home.

My heart was ripped even just to see them.

Everyone was sitting in the living room. The television is on, but nobody seems to care with what's going on with the world anymore. Why would anyone care who's going out with who or whats hot on movies right now or whatnot. Nobody seems to be interested to talk. Everyone just slumped in the huge armchair and stared out of the window. Silence. Pure silence. You could drop a bomb in the centre of the room, but i doubt a muscle will even twitch. The emptiness look in their face just strangled my emotion. I was choked by my own emotion..

Their bedrooms. Oh god. That even saddens me more. Some of them are too tired or too ill to move out of the bed, so they rested in their room instead. Their fragile body lie frailly on the bed, staring at the empty ceiling. Most of them, in fact, i think all of them, have pictures of their children and even grandchildren proudly standing on the bedside table. My aching heart flickered, 'Where are they? How can they live their mother or father to live all by his/herself in a nursing home?"

They are weak. Fragile. Half of their memory is gone. They can't eat as much. They can't talk as much. They can't even wash themselves! There's nothing much that they can do but to lie around. As if waiting for their time to come. And this just reminds me of this verse from Surah Yaasin.

" Dan sesiapa yang kami panjangkan umurnya, Kami kembalikan kepada asal kejadiannya (serba lemah) ; mengapa mereka tidak memikirkan?" Surah Yaasin: 68

A small token of advice for my sister =)

2008-05-04T02:38:00.000-07:00

This post especially goes to my little sister (even tho u are not that LITTLE anymore, but u r still little to me! ehhe).

Nur Ili Izyan Romli

The anxiousness. The sweaty palms. The churning stomach. The dry mouth. The restlessness. The racing heart. Argh, I know these feeling. And oh-i-hate-them so! The so-called exam syndrome, which i am sure everyone despise. hehe. If you are having either one (or even all!) of these symptoms, fret not dearie. You are considered to be a normal mortal. hehe.

IB exam is this coming Wednesday, ait? Til 23 May rite? Mama and papa has been fussing me to give u a call to give u motivation for this exam. Everytime i call home, they would pester me to call u. Haha. I know ive rang u yesterday, and gave u some advice ( that is if u can call them advice! hehe). And i doubt u will even have the time to even read this post of mine. But i am still going to write it anyway.

You can do it, girl. I know you can. Mama & papa know you can. Kak sa, Elly, Eza, Yana and even pak mad know you can. And most importantly, even YOU know you can. We've seen how you work before this. You, bab study ni, memang i pon kalah kot. hehe. No doubt, insyaAllah, Allah will help you to get through this. He had even helped you to glide through the 2 horrifying years (thats how uve been describing it. hehe) in KMB. So, just pray and pray more, mek, that He will help you still for the exams.

If you think you can't do it, then you are wrong. Like i've said on the phone, the majority of the IB students managed to pass the exams. And we are no different than you. You have what we have. And we have what you have. There is nothing that we have more or less than you. We've made it to UK, and so can you beb. So can you =)

Just believe in yourself. Usaha selagi mana mampu.

I always remember back when i was in my early teens, if i complain kata

"Papa, paper maths tu susah gila.huhu"

He will always reply

"Mana ada paper yang susah. Tak susah. Cuma mencabar je."

Maybe that's not his exact words, but the essence is there. You get what i mean don't u. And believe it or not, that helps me a lot. Nothing is difficult. Challenging maybe. But not difficult. A challenge is something that we can counter. It is something that we HAVE to counter. If we think of it as a challenge, we will automatically push ourselves to the very limit to try to get through it kan? But, if we think of it as a difficulty, we might see it as an obstacle. An obstacle which might bring us down, hence hindering us from getting what we would like to achieve. That's just my interpretation of his saying though. hehe.

I know how Maths subject is haunting u up til now. So, if you find one of the papers to be challenging, don't let it get into you. You still have two more papers to sit for. Just don't let your feelings to conquer you ok mek? Even if you feel like you can't go on no more, just stop. Take a deep breath. And remember that Allah is always there for you. No matter what. Cry if you must. That helps me a lot. hehe. Cry and plea all you want. If you find the whole world pushing you down to your knees, then believe me sister, you are in the best position to pray. So pray and plea to Him all you want. For now, papa or mama or even me can't even do anything to help you. He is the one and solely help that you have. And believe me, He listens..

I wish for nothing but for the very best for you, izyan. I sincerely hope you and mek eza will be joining me here next year. we can have a mini romlis reunion here then! heheheh. How lovely will that be! yay!!! hehe.

Ok la. All the best, dear. You know we all love you. So tak yah stress stress ok. heheh. =)

Muaaaahh. Huggsss. Rinduuuu.

Signing off,
Your sister who can't wait for the summer break,
Aliaa

Sesat dan sesat lagi.

2008-04-25T11:09:00.000-07:00

Today is Friday. Tomorrow is Saturday. And the day of tomorrow is Sunday. And a day after Sunday will be my last day of 2 weeks holiday. And i SO do not want this holiday to end. I have been having loads and loads of fun that i am feeling extremely reluctant to return to doing placements again! Argh. But my rational head reminds me that that is SO not logical, aliaa dearie. You live for a purpose, not to play and roll around and having fun all the time. Allah does not create you in this world for that purpose, aliaa.

So, realizing that my holiday is about to come to its end, i decided to push myself to be a bit more productive. I had been lazing around (and when i say lazing around, i mean seriously lazing around not wanting to do anything at all!) for days. Hehe. My GP placement begins on Tuesday, but I only have to go to practice on Wednesday as we have introductory lectures on Tuesday. As i am fully aware of how bad i am with directions (i almost always managed to get lost. haha) , i thought it would be wise for me to go and find the place of my GP placement today, which is a place that i have never heard of before.

Swallownest Health Centre, S26 BG.

That's the only direction that was given by medical school. Useful, uhuh (read with sarcastic note to have the full effect. hehe). Hence, i had to ransack the ever so useful WWW for the directions to go there. Confused, I was. I initially had no idea where to go and how to go there. Blindly, I just searched on the internet for the best method of transportation to go there. It took me good 2 hours just to find the near-perfect solution. Hence, after the headaches, i was decided. I will take First bus from Sheffield Interchange to Swallownest High Street. That is the fastest and most convenient route for me. Determined, I hopped on the next tram and found myself on the 23A First bus to Rotherham.

First of all, I had no idea where this place is. So, i had no idea where to stop. I only had the name of the stop, which did not give much of a help. I still was clueless when to ring the buzzer to stop the bus. And, secondly, i was on my own. Oh well, this still needs to be done. Better get lost now than later. huhu. My eyes frantically searched for the word swallownest high street at each bus stops, fearing i might miss it. Yet still, i did.

Huhu. There was only the word High Street stated at the bus stop, so assuming that it was not the one, i continued further. Once when the bus had started to pass Worksop bus stop, i had this uneasy feeling. The feeling which signaled me that i might have missed the stop. Oh well, without much fuss, I got off the bus on the next stop (which is very FAR away from the High St bus stop!) . The weather was lovely and i was feeling quite good in myself, so i did not complain of having to walk a few extra miles.

After about 10 minutes walk, i got to the right bus stop. Right. According to the google map, i have to head southeast and then turn left when i found Florence Ave. Confident with my not-so-good bearing, i walked along the road. I walked up and down the hill, assuring myself that i will find it soon. However, after long minutes of walking, i realized that i am going no where. In fact, i realized that i was actually walking in circles! Argh. Somehow, stupid-me refused to ask any of the passerby for direction. I assured myself, ok lets do this one more time. Then, if i get lost again, i'll get some help. Again, i tried to follow the instructions provided my the google map dutifully, and again, surprise surprise, i found myself lost in the middle of swallownest.

Ok. Don't panic. I rang Elly, trying to get some help. She told me to ask the local people as they will know better than her. Obviously, she was correct. Hence, defeated, i walked around the Coopland and managed to bump into a man, who seems nice enough to approach. And, alhamdulillah, he was a very very nice man.

He insisted on showing me the way despite the fact that he did not know where it was. In fact, he was the one who asked around for directions for me. First, he asked this couple, and then a group of young lads joined the discussion. Funny, seeing how all of them trying to solve my problem. Alhamdulillah, one of the lads know where it was and showed me the direction. Apparently, i had been walking towards the opposite direction! No wonder i failed to find the place! Huhu.

Perhaps the nice old man noticed the confused look on my face when the young man explained to me how to get there. Hence, he offered to drive me there. I know, i know. We are not supposed to trust strangers. Let alone to accept the offer to ride on the car with a stranger whom ive just got to know a few minutes ago. But, i was too knackered at that time. My legs were aching, and i guess without thinking much, i accepted this man's offer. He seems nice, but again, i know, looks can be deceiving. Huhu. I know, that was a stupid and risky thing to do, but i did not have much choice. I was too tired..But then, all in all, he drove me safely to the health centre and even showed to me the direction to go home. Such a nice guy, he was. I owe him big time..

And now i know where to go on Wednesday. Despite the laziness which is conquering me right now, i am quite looking forward for this placement. I want to be the best. I want to strive for the best. InsyaAllah, with His help, i will. =)

Germany =)

2008-04-24T10:04:00.000-07:00

Yippee! Hehe

19 Apr to 22 Apr 2008. I was in Germany. Happy, I was. Even though i just spent my 4 days in Hannover, the trip was worthwhile. I was happy to be away from UK, even if it is just for a short period of time. I need to breathe some fresh air. Hehe. As if Sheffield's air has already gone stale.

On the first night I arrived Germany, i had experienced a 'tinge' of German culture. huhu. We were on the train, traveling from Flughafen Bremen to Hannover. It was almost 12 + ish am. We were practically drained and sleepy. All i can think of at that time is bed! hehe. Emy was happily chatting away with her friend, when suddenly a group of guys dressed up in 'abnormal' clothing walked towards our coach. One of the guy actually dressed up as a chicken! hehe. The other guys dressed up in some sort of lab coat, if im not mistaken. They were all obviously quite drunk. Laughing and talking rather loudly amongst themselves.

When suddenly, the chicken-guy approached Emy's friend, who can speak fluent Deutsch. He tried to sold us some beers, which obviously we turned down. Then he sold us two bars of snickers for the price of 40 cents. haha. Then, he suddenly fixed his gaze on me & Emy, and suddenly insisted on sitting in between us! Oh gosh. Emy, somehow, managed to jump off her seat and saved herself from this chicken guy. But I, however, was too flabbergasted at that moment. I found myself too shock to move. Hence, this chicken guy placed his big chicken butt on the chair next to me. Whilst holding a beer on one hand, he hugged my shoulder with his other hand.

I was completely taken off guard at that time. I felt like screaming 'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, what do you think you are doing!Get your hands off me!!" But obviously i did not said that out loud. I was too stunned at that time. He must had realized that my whole body stiffened when he hugged me, hence he started to give my shoulder a rub, as if telling me to relax. Relax was the last thing that i could do at that time. I found myself getting more & more stiffer by minutes. Haha. He somehow was so excited, that he wanted to snap pictures of us together. I was like, ok. Hahah. And so we did.

Apparently, this chicken guy is getting married in a few weeks time. So, to celebrate his last few days of celibacy, he dressed up as a chicken and socialized around on a train, talking to passengers, with his fellow friends. hahah. That was what he said as a German's culture. So, there you have it. A tinge of German's culture on my first few hours in German. Hehe. Talk about experience!

Apart from that, I had a splendid time in Hannover. Even though we did not manage to go to Berlin, but i did enjoy the short stay. We risked our lives driving a motor boat around a lake for an hour without wearing a life jacket, ate ice cream everyday under the hot burning sun, went for shades-hunting for almost 2 hours in every shop that we entered, went bowling, played pool which i managed to win once, did loads of 'jumping' action in the Garden, mistaken shark for jaws in SeaLife and tried to do some shopping in Zara, MNG, Esprit and Guess which failed successfully. hehe. Anyhow, i loved it. Thanks to Emy and her friend for the wonderful hospitality.

Doctors make the worst patients

2008-04-16T00:53:00.000-07:00

"Doctors make the worst patients"

I am sure this statement is agreed by all. huhu. And, i, myself, ALMOST became a part of the statement. I know i am not a doctor, YET. But, the incident yesterday just scares me how much of it is true.

I had to go and get my blood taken yesterday at NGH. I arrived around 1030, settled my cancelled appointment with Dr Gray, and waited in the waiting room. Number 66. I heard the nurses calling out the number 59. "Ok, this is not so bad. Within a few more minutes i'll be out of here" I grinned happily to myself.

You see, i religiously came here to get my bloods taken once every 3 months. For each visit, i came as early as around 9 am, thinking that if i came early, it will be done and over with soon. But, man was i wrong. Everytime i got there at 9 am, the waiting room will already by packed with more or less 40 patients! And, i ended up having to wait for an hour and a half for my turn! And yesterday, i came around 1030, thinking that it would take ages for me to be called, but alhamdulillah, it turned out to be the other way round. hehe.

Anyway, back to the story that i am about to tell. huhu. I was lost in the world of Tess Gerritsen when i suddenly heard the number 64 called. I had to force myself to close the book and shove it in my handbag. I took out the letter from Dr Gray and the blood form from the brown envelope, and waited tentatively for number 66 to be called. After 2-3 minutes, i heard number 65 being called. From what my school teacher had taught me in primary school, number 66 comes after 65. So, I was about to stand up to get myself ready to go into the blood room when i suddenly heard the number 67 being called instead! Huh? I was dumbfounded. What happened to number 66? Did i not hear it being called or did they just simply forgot that number 66 comes first before 67?!

My face must have looked extremely astonished, that a nurse asked me if there's anything wrong. hahah. I showed to her my number, and said that my number was not called. She looked extremely sorry, and coincidentally, a nursing student walked pass me. She grabbed him, and told him to look after me. He introduced himself as a nursing student and asked for my consent. I was cool with that. I used to be in his shoes, having to practice my venepuncture skills on patients.

So, there i was, sitting on the comfy seat, exposing my arms. Waiting to be punctured. I found myself unconsciously watching what the student nurse is doing. He politely asked for my name and date of birth. After confirming that he had got the right patient, he went straight to my arms. Trying to find the most suitable vein. And he seemed to be satisfied with the vein on my left arm, and i had no objection to that.

After he had put on the armband on my left arm, he immediately reached for the needle and aimed for my vein. I was like, "oh wait, where's the alcohol swab? Why aren't you cleaning my targeted vein with the alcohol swab. What if the bacteria around the area contaminate the needle, and that will cost me infection!" But don't worry, i did not said it out loud. I was just screaming inside my small heart.

And yes, he proceed without applying the alcohol swab. I watched carefully when he poked the needle into my vein. "Sharp scratch", he said. I smiled, recognizing that 'script'. Hehe. He seemed to be confident with what he was doing, until he realized that no blood was actually coming out into the tube. He started to panic and started to enhance the needle further into my vein. I watched 2/3 of the needle making its way into my vein. And i was like, "oh no, stop! The needle has passed my vein, thats why you can't get any blood out. You need to withdraw the needle a bit". And again, no, i did not said it out loud. Huhu. Thankfully, i managed to bit my tongue and kept quiet.

Realizing that no blood is coming out, he had to withdraw the whole needle out of my vein, and redo the whole procedure again. Huhu. Now i know what my patients feel like when i failed to get it on the first try. haha. Certainly NOT a pleasant exprience! hehe. This makes me realize how kind of them to offer themselves to be battered by us, non-experienced medical students. Despite knowing the big risk that they are getting themselves into, they still allow us to do whatever we think is right to them!! How sweet of them.

Living in hall experience.

2008-04-14T10:19:00.000-07:00

Even since i first stepped foot on Sheffield's soil, i had lived in a house. I had never lived in a hall before, and hence had no clue what it actually feels like to live in one. My friends have shared their hall-living experiences before, and to be frank, some of them do sound scary. haha. And i guess, to hear it from others and to experience it by oneself are two different things. And Allah has somehow planned for me to experience it myself, without having to live in student hall.

I had to live in a student accommodation when i was in Doncaster for my paeds placement. I had to share 4 bathrooms and 2 kitchen with 20 other medical students (3rd years and above). And hence, i got to feel what its like to live in a hall. This hall is a mixed hall. Yes, you got it right. Us boys and girls have to live under one roof. huhu. In fact, both of the rooms next to mine were occupied by the males. huhu. And my room had been accidentally 'invaded' by them. The funny thing was we have our names printed on the door of our rooms. So, i think it should be IMPOSSIBLE for us to mistakenly walked into another person's room. But, there was this one guy who kept walking into my room, claiming the incidents to be accidental! Hello, can't you read. The door says NUR ROMLI. Not Chuck! He walked in once when i was on my way back from toilet, and the second time when i was in the room, thankfully behind the door! He just laughed his head off everytime he did that, as if that was hilarious. That was nothing but funny, ok. After those two terrifying experiences, i never failed to ensure my door was locked everytime i went in and out of the room.

And now, my favourite topic of the day. The kitchen. The kitchen that had to be shared with 20 other medics. Despite the huge number of students sharing the kitchen, we were provided with 2 mini fridges only. Can you just imagine how all of our stuffs have to be crammed in 2 fridges. Apparently, all 20 of us were passionate milk consumer. So all 20 of us had had to buy at least 1 L pint of milk each (interesting how neither of us had thought of the idea of sharing!). And to actually crammed all of them in 2 mini fridges certainly requires skill! haha. And somehow, we managed. And, to put food in fridge is one thing, to take it out is another pain in the butt! huhu. It sometimes can take forever trying to find your food in the piles of food crammed in the small fridge. Believe me, it was like finding a needle in a hay stick. If you are lucky enough, you will find your food in one piece. And sometimes, you just can't find your food no matter how thorough you search for it because the food is already resting in peace in someone elses' tummy! huhu. How irresponsible some can be.

The kitchen itself is fine, superb even. It is just the people who were using it that gave me the headache. Don't get me started on the unwashed dishes, or the uncleaned table. And, the final years somehow just love to hang around in the kitchen for AGES, and this just hindered us from cooking our meal in harmony. If there were only 2 or 3 of them, i am cool with it. BUT, this is like 5-6 of them, cramping in the small kitchen. If they are cooking or eating their meals, that's fine. But noooo. Instead of loitering in the HUGE tv lounge which is just a few steps away from the kitchen, they chose to play blackjack or read magazines or gossip or even do their revisions in the kitchen. As a result, we had no space to cook. Consequently, we had to wait for them to leave the kitchen before we can start cooking our meal. And that, mind you, can take forever. huhu.

Oh gosh. that was just some of my experience of living in a hall. Thankfully it was just for 7 weeks.

A dog's glare..

2008-04-05T14:43:00.000-07:00

I was sitting on a bench, enjoying the fresh air, with a friend in a park one day when we saw a woman walking a dog a few yards in front of us. My friend said " Look at that dog! Its HUGE" I agreed that it was huge, and even uttered something which i should not have " Ohmigod, where is his head? I can't even see it" And we had a laugh about it.

A few minutes later, the woman and the huge black dog walked towards our bench. Somehow, the dog was extremely close to us when it walked passed by the bench we were sitting. As it walked pass me, i could swear, it stopped and looked at me straight into the eye. At that time, I did not think of anything else but fear. I feared the dog would jump on me or rip me apart or do whatever dogs do. huhu. But alhamdulillah, nothing like that happened.

Later on, when I was praying my Isya' prayers with my housemate, the image of the dog's eyes somehow popped into my head. My heart suddenly wretched when I remembered my comment towards the dog. I know, it is just a dog. It has no feelings like humans do. But, it does not deserve such a comment from me. I am a human being with a brain, who knows that everything on this Earth is created by Him, Allah Al Mighty. I should have known that to show disdain to a dog is to show disdain to His creation. In other words, to show disdain to Him. Astaghfirullahal'azim.

I felt extremely bad right now. And i am sure this is not the first time for me to do such a thing. To give such a ruthless comment on people or animals or any living creature surrounding me without much thought. I can bet you that i have done this shameful act thousands and thousands of times, let it be with or without conscious. Am I SO great that i am allowed to look down on others? I must be stupid to think that I am..

The dog's glare simply reminds me of my carelessness. Huhu.

Just a piece of reminder for all of those who are lovely enough to read my blog. huhu =)

So, why do u want to be a doctor?

2008-04-03T13:18:00.000-07:00

"So, we will start off with you. Why do you want to be a doctor?"

Asked Dr Wahl. Damn it. I was put on the hotseat. And i was not prepared. Sophie and Mani turned their heads to me, waiting for me to give an answer.

Well, to be clear, we were having one of our ILA tutorials. The tutorial handled by Dr Wahl is regarding jaundice. But, unlike many other registrars or SHO, he told us beforehand that he would like to handle the ILA session differently. He did not want to spoonfeed us. Fair enough. I am starting to dislike being spoonfed as well. I have no objection for that. He wanted us to be like a doctor; think like one, and act like one. Before he proceed with the tutorial, he wanted us to clear our minds, seek for the reason on why we have chosen to become a doctor in the first place. The reason which i have failed to find.

As I was sitting right next to Dr Wahl, i was the first to be picked. Wearing a pink scarf and a pink blouse on that day also helped to make me stand out of the crowd, i guess. huhu. I was silent for the first few minutes. I tried to crack my brain, trying to find an answer to the simple question asked by this German doctor. A question which once I know the answer of (it was once a favourite question for our university interview admission. huhu). Out of desperation, I blurted out "I love Biology, thats why i do medicine" A lame answer. I know. And surprise, surprise, Dr Wahl did not looked impressed. The look on his face said it all. Oh gosh, why oh why did I give such an answer. He must have thought that i am not really into medicine.

As he proceed asking my other colleagues the same question, I found myself asking myself again the same question. WHY AM I DOING MEDICINE? To be extremely frank, i did not choose to do medicine out of interest. Well, not out of MY interest, to be exact. It was more of a family encouragement. BUT, once i started to learn medicine, i fall in love with it. I do, i really do. Despite all of the whining and crying and whatsnot, i enjoy what i am doing. And hopefully, this enthusiasm does not run dry.

Anyway, after all of us have given an answer to the question, Dr Wahl asked

"Who did medicine because (s)he got good grades and do medicine because that is the only option available?"

Silence filled the air. I almost lifted my hands in the air. Well, my grades are not THAT good, but well, at least the latter part is true. I tried to avoid his gaze, fearing that the look on my face will easily says YES, THATS ME! huhu.

He asked again,

"Who did medicine because there is someone in the family who is a doctor? "

And then he continued

"Who did medicine because of fame and reputation?"

Obviously, if anyone of us agreed to that will deserve a smack on the face. hahaha.

Realizing all three of us were avoiding his gaze and were refusing to answer his questions, he said

"If you do medicine because you got good grades, than you are NOT smart. Clever, maybe, but NOT smart. There is a difference between smart and clever. Smart people knows how to live. They know how to make money. Faster and much easier way."

"If you do medicine because of fame and reputation, then you are wrong. Not because ethically it is wrong, but because you are PLAIN wrong. A doctor is badly treated in the society. Forget about fame and reputation. If that is what you think being a doctor is all about, then you are living in your own unrealistic world"

"So, now, try to refresh your memory on why you want to be a doctor. Because if you do it for the wrong reason, you might not enjoy being one and might suffer in the end. Decide now before it is too late!"

His words left us (or me at least) at awe. He made me rethink the reason why i have chosen this thorny path. He may not be a Muslim, but his words remind me the importance of having the right intention in everything that we do. Niat is everything.

I realized that ive been whining and complaining and crying a lot about medicine. Having to be away from Sheffield, not having to have a proper meal for dinner, having to do this and do that, not being able to do this and do that, and yadayadayada. Oh gosh, I am such a whiner! But, what i failed to appreciate is that i am able to learn medicine. To learn about human body. To learn about His wonderful creation which no other human being is able to immitate despite the great explosion of science and technology. And, as cliche' as it sounds, to learn medicine means to save lives, with His willing. This might be the only way for me to contribute to the society. To make change to the world. To promote world peace. Haha. Ok. That's too much. A bit too Miss Universe kinda speech. Hehe. But I do meant most of it.

Dr Wahl need not say or do more to impress me. I was impressed, and was motivated to work even harder to sail through this rocky journey. With His help, InsyaAllah, impossible is nothing.

My wish list. hehe

2008-03-28T15:52:00.001-07:00

I have a wish list. And they are all DAMN expensive. haha. i want them bad, but i know that money doesn't grow on trees. huhu. So, here i am, scribbling down all of the items that i could not afford to buy, for now at least. ngeheh =P

a) A new handphone
I am currently using Nokia Le'amour special edition handphone. It has been my loyal phone for almost a year now. Sadly, it's top has been cracked into pieces. How did it happened? I am not really sure about that. But what i know for sure is that it fell and crashed onto the road twice. Once when i was rushing on my way to Gynae clinic in Bassetlaw, and the other time was when i was running uphill to RHH for lectures. Anyway, the key point here is i NEED a new handphone. It is no longer a matter of desire of owning a new mobile, now. It is a matter of necessity. hehe. It keeps running out of battery, despite the fact that ive just charged them the day before! How annoying is that?!

So, i have short listed a few handphones which catch my fancy.
(i) Nokia N95 8gb - drop dead gorgeous!!! but the price is a HUGE turn off. i don't have that much of money to spend, unless i am willing to starve myself for the next few months which i think i rather not. huhu

(ii) Nokia N73 - affordable i guess. its function is superb, but the only downside of it is its design. a bit too simple. it looks a bit too regular. haha. ohgosh, pardon my vanity.

(iii) Nokia n81 - cute. quite a lovely design. more expensive than n73 but cheaper than n95.

b) A new laptop
My current laptop is driving me to the wall! Its power turns off whenever it feels like doing so, which is quite frequent. Initially, it only turned off whenever i started to use my laptop to do 'useless' stuffs (eg watching movies, etc). But now, it will even turn off automatically when i am doing work as well! This is seriously getting on my nerves!! A couple of times a day, that maybe i can still tolerate. But for it to happen almost 7-8 times a day is simply way TOO much. My patience has limits, oh dear laptop. I am not so sure how to buy a new laptop as i am clueless about the specs and whatsnot, so i am still abstaining myself from buying one.

c) A new camera
This is more of a desire rather than a need. I already have a sony camera, but it was quite an OLD version. seriously old. and not forgetting THICK as well. hehe. due to that, i would LOVE to buy myself a new sony camera. it does not have to be a 10 MP camera nor a digital SLR. A simple 8 MP with a nice touch will do. hihi. I already have my eye on one sony camera, and am just waiting for the price to fall before i get my hands on them. huuuu.

d) Flight back to malaysia!
Oh gosh. This should be first on the list! Summer hols is no more than 3 months away, and i am still ticketless! aaaargh. I do want to go home. I do. I do!! I have been searching for tickets for quite some time, and the best bargain that i get so far is still quite expensive (if compared to my friends' ticket prices). But, now that time is getting closer, i might have to splurge more for my flight back to Malaysia. As long as i am home, nothing else matters. Hehe ;P

Oh well. All of them are going to cost me fortune. I am going to be rational and am going to abstain myself from burning a hole in my pocket. A mobile and a flight back to Malaysia will do. Lappy and camera will have to wait i guess. huhu.

ramble babble. haha

2008-03-20T02:52:00.000-07:00

It was our last day in Donny for d week. (still another 3 more weeks to go!). We have lectures in Sheffield on 20th, and had 21st off for Good Friday. And we are also going to have Monday off for post-Easter break. So basically, we are going to have 4 days off. Wee~.

All 4 of us must have been extremely tired. Nobody could be bothered to initiate a conversation. Everyone seems to be lost in their own world, except for Sophie of course who was driving. hehe. We were too tired to talk. All i can picture in my head at that time was my comfy home. But then only i remembered, argh, nobody's home. In fact, nobody is in Sheffield! Almost all of my friends are scattered all over the world by now. Their 3 weeks Easter break has already started and now Sheffield is left deserted.

My break is not until 3 weeks time. I seriously hope that this 3 weeks will pass by as swift as possible. It is not that i am not enjoying my placement, but i am just getting a bit too tired. A one week break in between each placements will be marvelous. All we need is to rejuvenate. But, no, obviously that was just too good to be true. Medical school is NOT that nice. hehe.

We are going to have a 3 days in Donny next week, and another 4 days for the next couple of weeks. And that's it. HOLIDAYYYYYYY! Despite the sad fact that i can't do much during my 2 weeks off, i am still looking forward for my short break.

Why can't i do much? Well, my holiday only begins after my non-medical friends finished their holiday. And, sadly, ALL of my friends are non-medics. Hahaha. So, to conclude, i have no one to go to holiday with! Sad eyh? I insist on going traveling alone. haha. But obviously, neither of my friends are going to let me! It is not safe. I know. I know. I get it. I won't, don't worry.

I will stay at home, snuggle comfortably under my duvet with my favourite Tess Gerritsen most of the time (ive just bought 5 more of his book!) And probably do some SHOPPING as well. Ok. Maybe the word 'some' is a bit of an understatement. 'Lots' sounds more like it. hahaha. i have not been shopping for ages! can't wait to spend spend and spend. weee~!! I don't mind shopping alone. I will be leaving traces of my footstep in all of the shopping outlets that i know off. hehe.

Oh well, i still have a day full of lectures today. Later tonight, i will be joining the girls to Kebabish. And hopefully there will be netball tonight! I am craving to run and jump all around.

My birthday is tomorrow. The fact that i have no one here to celebrate it with just saddens me. But oh well, at least i got the day off on my birthday. If i were to spend my birthday doing on call in donny, that would have been extremely devastating. Oh well, i have already got an early birthday surprise from Munirah, Teaks n Wanie (with the help of Elly!hehe) last Monday. That's lovely enough. Haish. Wonder if my parents will be sending me a card this year. They did not send me a card raya this year! hish. hahaha. So i am not expecting much. A simple phone call or an sms even, will do fine. hehe. Kalau they tak call, i won't call! Merajuk la konon. Nak test if they do remember my birthday or not. ngahaha.

Okays. this is wut happen when u r left all alone by yourself. You ramble a lot. Nonsensical stuffs. ahha. ok. i better start studying now. Till then. Ciao.

Ain't strong enough..

2008-03-03T02:31:00.000-08:00

It is 10 am on Monday morning. I know, I should be in clinic or on ward right now. What am I doing online? Huhuh. I had an awful morning, and i felt the smouldering urge to shout out loud and cry. i know that i can't do that, bcoz then people will think that i have gone nuts. so here i am. rambling on my blog.

this is my second week of paediatrics placement in doncaster. for some reason, i have this heavy, unpleasant feeling towards this placement. i had a nervous breakdown on the first night here in donny. only Allah knows how i felt at that time.

being far away from family back at home is hard enough. and now, i will have to be separated from my 'family' back at Sheffield for each and every one of my placements for this year. None of my placements are in Sheffield. All of them are in peripheries. Including my GP! Argh.

The feeling of having to go back to placement either on Sunday night or Monday morning is one dreadful feeling. I literally have to drag my heavy legs to get on the train to the hospitals. I had to force myself to smile. I had to assure myself that it is going to be Friday soon.Friday. The day that i look forward the most recently. Only during the weekends i manage to smile.

But, i only learnt a week ago that i have to do one on call during one of my 7 weekends in donny. I have to spend my weekend in donny! I know u must have think that it is just one weekend. It is not that much. You must have think that i am making a mountain out of a molehill. But i am NOT. If you are in my place, only then you'll know that weekend is not merely just a weekend. It is the only time for me to be with those that i love and do the stuffs that i enjoyed the most with. Even it is just lazing around, not doing anything. But to be able to do that with my close friends mean a lot to me. This paediatrics placement has robbed me blind..

And this morning, i got lost. I accidentally got on the wrong bus, and god knows where the bus driver has took me! The bus journey which should only take 10 minutes from train station, took me about 1 hour and 15 minutes to get to DRI. I was shattered into pieces. This makes me feel even more helpless. I was alone, stranded in a middle of no where. Thankfully, the right bus came along within 10 minutes. I tried to stop my tears from pouring. Even now, i am bitting my lips, trying to swallow the tears that are starting to choke me bad. I tried to calm myself and remind myself that this is a test from Him. I have to be strong.

But sometimes, i felt that i could no longer be strong anymore. I don't know how much longer of this i could take. Being apart from family. Being the only Malay in my course. Having to be apart from my friends due to my placements in peripheries. Not having any holidays on the same dates as my friends. What am i suppose to do by myself? I need home. I want to go home.

Please Ya Allah. Give me the strength that i need. I beg for your mercy for i feel so small and vulnerable right now..

love

2008-02-18T08:39:00.000-08:00

'You sure wish you are a man right now, don't you?' said an anaesthetist to me, winking.

Hehe. I simply laughed at his statement.

To make things clear, we were in a labour ward at that time. A patient was about to give birth, and she initially thought that she could no longer bear the pain, so she opted to have an epidural. But, even before the anaesthetist managed to gather his equipment, the patient had already started to push. She was now in stage 3 of labour, the final stage. The baby was about to come out any minute now. I can clearly see his head, desperately trying to get out of his mother's bottom. Within a few minutes, with a few pushes and pants, baby Harry was born.

After cleaning up, I finally got the time to myself. I reflected on what the anaesthetist had said to me earlier on. I questioned myself, do i regret being a female? Not like i have the choice to choose, in the first place. hehe. But, for the sake of reflecting, i know for sure that NO, i don't have any regrets at all.

Well, pregnancy does not looks like an easy job. It is anything but easy, i think. Just think bout it. You have to bear a 3 - 4 kg child in your womb for 9 months. That is 40 weeks. 42 weeks maximum! Not forgetting the morning sickness that most of the mothers will have during the first trimester. And the never-ending back ache. And the extra strain on your bladder which makes you want to go to wee all of the time. And the extra strain on your stomach which causes you to have reflux after every meal. And not forgetting the fact that you are no longer a size 8. Your clothes doesn't fit you no more. Chuck away the high heels. Forget the tight-fitting jeans. Forget about looking superfabulous all the time. At that time, nothing matters more than comfort.

And if you think that is worse, more is yet to come. Yes, you get that right. LABOUR. I've witnessed quite a handful number of deliveries, and there is only word that is suitable to describe it. PAINFUL. hehe. I have not experienced it myself, but just by looking, i can tell. And the long hours of labour. long hours of painful intermittent contractions which becomes stronger with time. Even with Etonox (this helps to reduce the pain), i can still tell that the pain is far from gone.

And, if the mother wants to scream all she wants, be pissed off with everyone who comes in contact with her or even curse throughout the labour, i completely have nothing against that. she is in pain. just let her be. hehe.

But, amazingly, right after delivery of the baby, everything changes. Straight after the midwife place the baby on the mother's chest, the mother looks as if she has forgotten all about the pain. All of the unbearable pain that she had experienced for the past hours (varies from people to people) is completely gone. The sight of the baby or even the sound of the baby crying just soothes the pain away, i guess. It is a beautiful process. This last bit of labour was the bit that i love the most.

So, now that i've seen how difficult and painful it is to give birth, i despise those who shows disaffection to their mothers. shame on you. our mother has to go through the most unimaginable life experience to bring us to the world, and what do we do to repay her? just think about it.

i love this placement. this makes me appreciate my mom (and dad) more.

*rindu*

Mr Adam Iman =)

2008-02-17T12:07:00.001-08:00

Mr Adam Iman

Bleep. A text message received. It was 4 in the morning. And for some reason, i was awaken by it. The message reads ' Helo helo. elly dah bersalin. baby 3.98kg. suma sihat' Waaaaaaaaarghh. Adam Iman dah keluar perut Elly!!!! I was smiling from ears to ears, but i was too sleepy to reply my sister's text message. i promised myself to reply it the first thing after fajr prayer later that morning. one thing for sure, i slept smiling. hehe

It was Friday, 15 February 2008. Baby boy, Adam Iman has been brought into the world. Happy, i was. I went to Bassetlaw (had to stay in sheff for a GUM clinic on the thursday) for colposcopy clinic with a smile. I can't wait to call home! I have to pinch my hands to stop myself from calling home from my mobile phone. THAT would certainly cost me a fortune! hehe. A few more hours aliaa, I calmed myself. a few more hours...

Alhamdulillah, right after clinic, i bumped into Sophie, and apparently she wanted to go home straight away as well! Yay. So, we rushed home after packing. Right after settling myself, i called home (thanx elly for allowing me to use ur lappy to call home! sorry bising! hehehe).

after the umpteenth time trying to call each and every one of my 7 siblings AND my mama's AND papa's handphone, FINALLY, one of them picked up their phone! haishhhh. susah bena nak suruh angkat fon! hehehe. Had a looooooong talk with mama, and gosh, that was fun. mama said aqef (adam iman's brother) is starting to throw tantrums! ngehehhe. apparently, aqef somehow has sensed that someone is going to steal his thunders! he started to refuse getting on a car since the past 2 weeks, so they could not manage to drag aqef to the hospital to see his little brother. He rather stayed home. He is now refusing to share his things with others. He wants no one but his mother. haha. aiyooo. I can hear him wailing in the background when i called. hehe. Aqef, aqef. u r SO comel.

wondered how things are going now. my sister has got to go for caesarian section because the baby was breech, so it might cost her quite some time until she will be able to be on her foot again. with aqef wailing and putting on 'shows', and now with adam iman to take care of, i sure hope she will manage to cope with it! oh well, we have a row of 'dayangs' at home, so it should not be a problem i guess. ngahahha. how i wish i can be there to lend a helping hand!

be a good boy, aqef! can't wait to go home to meet both of them! weeeee~

a trip to Botanical Garden

2008-01-05T13:59:00.001-08:00

More photos here

the weather was oh-so-lovely. bright mr sunshine was out, beaming proudly in the clear blue sky. the temperature was ok. not that cold. not that hot. the weather was just too lovely to be wasted just like that. something must be done. i shall not just laze in my cosy room and let this beautiful day slip away from my hand. hence, i decided, i must go to botanical garden. i've never been there before, but i've heard plenty of superb reviews bout the place. i have to go there.

rather than going to town (an innocent visit to town will always lead to dangerous shopping spree! hehe) where money will keep running out of my pocket like water, going to botanical garden to view scenic panorama sounds more tempting to me. Since my friends are busy preparing for their exams, i headed off to Botanical Garden by myself. it is simply a journey that i do not regret.

after a visit to the RHH, i walked all the way to Botanical Garden. It is not that far. it took me just about 10 minutes walk. I got there, and snap snap snap all the way! I am starting to enjoy taking pictures of sceneries now. It is more natural and I love it.

Snow in Sheffield =)

2008-01-04T04:46:00.001-08:00

Click here for more photos

It was 3rd January 2008. I was fast asleep in my cosy duvet, when my handphone suddenly emitted a sound. a text message received. usually i will just ignore the message and continue sleeping. i will get back to it after i wake up. but somehow, miraculously on that day, i found my hands reaching for my handphone. with lazy eyes, i read the text message. 'SNOW!' that one simple word made me jolted happily out from my pinky duvet. i rushed to the window and, yes, it is snowing outside! weeeee~

my housemates must have got the text message as well, cause i can hear their voices cheerfully chatting outside my room. Emy and azian (who happened to stay over at our place the night before) rushed into my room and jumped up and down happily. 'It is snowing, weh!' hehe.

Azian was obviously more excited than us, since this is her first time to actually witness snow in Sheffield. This is our third year here in Sheffield, so we've had experienced snow before. But still, that doesn't lessen our excitement even a notch just to see the beautiful white snow covering the black bleach ground. Despite the biting-cold weather that comes along with it, i still do LOVE snow. it is just so beautiful, a beauty from Allah that i just can't explain in words.

with enthusiast rocketing up to the ceiling, we decided to go out and play with the snow. eventhough the snow was not that heavy, that did not stop us from snapping pictures! hehe.