Ain't strong enough..

It is 10 am on Monday morning. I know, I should be in clinic or on ward right now. What am I doing online? Huhuh. I had an awful morning, and i felt the smouldering urge to shout out loud and cry. i know that i can't do that, bcoz then people will think that i have gone nuts. so here i am. rambling on my blog.

this is my second week of paediatrics placement in doncaster. for some reason, i have this heavy, unpleasant feeling towards this placement. i had a nervous breakdown on the first night here in donny. only Allah knows how i felt at that time.

being far away from family back at home is hard enough. and now, i will have to be separated from my 'family' back at Sheffield for each and every one of my placements for this year. None of my placements are in Sheffield. All of them are in peripheries. Including my GP! Argh.

The feeling of having to go back to placement either on Sunday night or Monday morning is one dreadful feeling. I literally have to drag my heavy legs to get on the train to the hospitals. I had to force myself to smile. I had to assure myself that it is going to be Friday soon.Friday. The day that i look forward the most recently. Only during the weekends i manage to smile.

But, i only learnt a week ago that i have to do one on call during one of my 7 weekends in donny. I have to spend my weekend in donny! I know u must have think that it is just one weekend. It is not that much. You must have think that i am making a mountain out of a molehill. But i am NOT. If you are in my place, only then you'll know that weekend is not merely just a weekend. It is the only time for me to be with those that i love and do the stuffs that i enjoyed the most with. Even it is just lazing around, not doing anything. But to be able to do that with my close friends mean a lot to me. This paediatrics placement has robbed me blind..

And this morning, i got lost. I accidentally got on the wrong bus, and god knows where the bus driver has took me! The bus journey which should only take 10 minutes from train station, took me about 1 hour and 15 minutes to get to DRI. I was shattered into pieces. This makes me feel even more helpless. I was alone, stranded in a middle of no where. Thankfully, the right bus came along within 10 minutes. I tried to stop my tears from pouring. Even now, i am bitting my lips, trying to swallow the tears that are starting to choke me bad. I tried to calm myself and remind myself that this is a test from Him. I have to be strong.

But sometimes, i felt that i could no longer be strong anymore. I don't know how much longer of this i could take. Being apart from family. Being the only Malay in my course. Having to be apart from my friends due to my placements in peripheries. Not having any holidays on the same dates as my friends. What am i suppose to do by myself? I need home. I want to go home.

Please Ya Allah. Give me the strength that i need. I beg for your mercy for i feel so small and vulnerable right now..