Selfish?

Sometimes I feel as if I am selfish. Maybe I am. Oh no. Who am I kidding. I know I am. Maybe not extremely selfish. But that selfishness is there, coursing within my deep veins, blended with my blood.

This thought popped after an incident this afternoon. I had just finished attending a hip replacement surgery and was waiting for the bus to go home. Yes, I was too lazy to walk to the train station. I was too tired, and at that time, paying 1.50 pound for a 10 minutes bus ride seemed more tempting than a 30 minutes walk. I know walking is free, and I get to exercise which is good for my heart and arteries. But I could not be bothered. I just want to go back home as soon as possible. First day in Orthopaedic has drained me.

Anyway, I was in a line, waiting patiently for the bus to come. An old lady was standing in front of me. After 10 minutes of waiting, the bus arrived. The first gentleman got on the bus. Next, was the old lady in front of me. She was struggling to get on the bus. She was rather old. She has got a buggy full with her grocery shopping inside of it. Anyone could tell that she was struggling to get on the bus. I did too.

That was what that makes it worst. I realized that she was having some difficulty getting on the bus and yet I did not offer to help. I just stood there behind her, waiting for her to get on the bus. A few minutes passed by, and she was still not on the bus. My mind started to race, thinking perhaps she needs some help.

Until suddenly, she said "Thank you for your help"

Yes. She was saying that to me. I was astounded. Did I just say my thoughts out loud? Its either that or she is a superb mind reader! Or maybe that was a sarcasm remark. Which one? I have no idea. It might have been the sarcasm. Huhu.

So, realizing how stupid and selfish I was, I hurried to help her get her buggy on the bus. After getting her on the bus, I just put her buggy in the middle of the way and let her passed. I expected her to get a seat for herself because I was too busy paying for the bus ticket!

When I got to my seat, I thought "I am such a selfish biatch" Huhu. Pardon my language. But it is true. I could not help feeling guilty throughout the whole 10 minutes journey to train station. I hate myself for it and have promised myself that should a similiar incident occur again in the future, I must NOT let the same thing happen again.

I must help. In fact, I SHOULD be helping. Helping others is an attribute that I should have. It is just nature's rule. A doctor just have to have that trait embedded within oneself. And I am about to end this 5 years course of becoming a doctor, so why am I still being selfish? I shivered to think what kind of doctor would I be in a few years time..