4th year?

I'm in my 4th year? Sheesh. Can't believe it. Amazing how time flies!

I just only realized it when i was talking to a new postgraduate whom had just arrived sheffield yesterday. I was telling her bout my experience when i first land my foot on English soil.

"Saya masa mula2 dtg sini, sejuuk gile! Masa saya datang ... (my brain was trying to do some maths. trying to figure out the exact number of years it has been since i first came to UK) .. dah 4 tahun yg lepas" I said.

Oh gosh. That sounds aaaaaaaaages ago. 4 years? The PG looked surprised herself. Hehe.

"Uish dah lama kat sini?" She said.

Yes. Definitely. Sangat dah lama.

Surprise surprise, how time flew by.

My first year in Sheffield. Well, it was not exactly my best year. To be fair, I was exposed to a new place, a new culture, new people, oh gosh, everything is foreign to be exact! Then, I was still in the phase where i can't believe i am the only Malay in my course. Knowing that there are only 4 other Malaysians doesn't actually lift my mood. I was down. Intimidated. Inferiored by others. Wondering how on earth did i ended up in Sheffield all by myself. I did not even make that many new Malaysian friends for the first few months. I sticked to De'e n Jang (as they were from KMB) like a belangkas. Hehe. The other girls from KMS seems to be comfortable with their own circle of friends. And hence, the loneliness. Hehehehe =P

To reminisce about the number of times i felt weak inside. The number of times i felt like i don't belong. The number of times i felt like i can't do medicine. The number of times i cried. The number of times i felt like packing my stuffs and just leave. Oh gosh, I was certainly not in my very best condition at that time. But, somehow, alhamdulillah, miraculously, I managed.

I am fine. I can do this. If others can do this, so can you. That was what i keep reminding myself. I have to support myself. I have my own back. And I know that Allah is with me. I guess thats when i truly know what it feels like to hold on to nothing but Him. And yes, He helped me through. All the way through. And I am glad for it.

My second year. This was my turning point, i guess. I was the General Secretary of SMSA (Sheffield Malaysian Student Association), and that post helped me bloom a lot. It changed me. From a fragile person, i transformed to a stronger individual. From an inferior girl, I became a more confident person. This is when i learnt that life is not all about studying. I got to know more people. Slowly slowly, I got to create a stronger bond with the other students, especially those in the committee. I enjoyed what i was doing. Even though, we had to attend meetings everyweek, we seemed to enjoy it. We sometimes looked forward for Wednesday, because that was the day when we all get to meet. Haha. Crazy, weren't we?

It had been a hectic year, no doubt about that. The endless meetings that we had to go to, the endless hours having to crack our brain trying to figure out the best plan for the endless number of events that we had to organize for the members, the sacrifice that we had to make to make sandwich spread or grilling BBQ chicken til late night just so that the members can have their stomach filled during the events, and so on and so forth. It was just crazy. But i loved it.

My third year. This is when my life just started to get even more interesting. I have just started my clinical years. And that was super duper freaking amazing. I loved it. And i still do. Despite the fact that I was thrown all over the place (outside of Sheffield) for my placement, I still enjoy it. To be in a hospital ground is just exhilirating. I feel like a doctor already. hehehe. But a doctor with insufficient knowledge and skill, that is! Hehe. My housemates are just so lovely. I love knowing that every week when i got back home after being away for placement, i will be going back home to a lovely bunch of people. They crack me up, all the time. Laugh is certainly what we do best. Oh, and talk too, of course. We spend hours at dining table during dinner, doing talking most of the time. Hehehe. Not that i did not enjoy living with my previous housemates. But, i dunno, they are just somethingelse. Hehe.

And now, I am in my fourth year. Struggling to force myself to study for my finals this Dec. Huhu. I need to pass this exam. I have to. So please Ya Allah, please help your weak and fragile servant...

tangible feeling

my feelings are all jumbled up today. i feel as if i have been riding an emotional rollercoaster ride.

to start with, i woke up this morning, on my laptop, visited my facebook for a quick peek and noticed Elly's link on her status. Hmm, i clicked on it and tadaaa. there it was. my face. Along with Ain, Emy and Elly of course, posing around the University of Sheffield stand post, in snow. Hahaha. Oh gosh. I can't believe my face was actually printed in newspaper. Hehe. Oh well, the article was not about me obviously, but the fact that my face is there, no matter how small, just gave me a jolt of excitement! Hehe. Pardon me, but my face don't come up in news paper that often, so allow me a few minutes to bask in the so-called glory. Hehe.

Anyway, that was not why I am happy in the morning.

I just heard from my cousin that my lil sister has finally confirmed her date to fly to Manchester. She is coming this Sunday, yay! I was happy for a few second. Until, my mind suddenly focused on my mom. Huhu. I really hope she will be ok. Just imagine, I am here in Sheffield. And now, my lil sister is coming to Manch. And later, insyaAllah, my elder sister is coming to Leeds for her Masters. And then two of my elder sisters might be moving out to their new home. And my other lil sister has went off to university. That leaves her with papa and my lil brother. Oh gosh. From a house packed with 9 noisy people (and that does not include extremely noisy aqef and adam!) suddenly left with only 3 not so noisy people? Huhu. Don't know why, but just thinking about it makes me sad..

And later in the afternoon, right after i had got back from attachment, i received a devastating news. A news that shocked me, and made me go pale. I could not believe my eyes when i read the text that Kak Lida wrote to me. My previous landlord has just passed away. Innalillah..Seriously, man, I was totally stunned by the news. I know, you must have think that he is just my landlord. But, no, he is actually not just my landlord. He has been my landlord for the whole 3 years! And, urgh, well, lets just say we did not have a smooth ending. We had some sort of a misunderstanding, and shamefully, I had been talking bad about him behind his back.

And now, the news about his death just shuddered me. I have sinned so much to him. Oh why, mouth, why can't you just shut up! Why do I need to say nasty things bout others? I should have bite my tongue. I hate myself for this. I feel so damn guilty..And now i promised myself NOT to backbite, again. to anyone. not even animals. No one. Just shut up, mouth. Shut up.

And tonight, as i am writing this blog, my heart has gone tachycardic. I have a presentation to do tomorrow and I am totally freaking out. Ya Allah, make things easy for me as only You are the one who can make difficult things easy...

All sorts of feelings. All in one day. I guess this is what you call human.

Malaysia oh Malaysia

oh gosh, it has been a while since i last updated this blog. and now, my hand is itching to scribble! hehe.

well, i had just returned from my 8 weeks summer holiday in Malaysia. Splendid, it was. Amazing how being close to your loved ones just makes you feel different inside. Hehe.

Hmm, anyway, I did a 3 weeks clinical attachment at Hospital Serdang for my Option SSC. Thanks to my dad who had to go through a whole lot of trouble for me. Huhu. I was the one who was at wrong as I handled things last minute. I almost had to stay in Sheffield to do my Option. Argh. But, of course, my saviour came to rescue. Aigo. Ok, i have promised myself not to do the same thing again for my elective next year, insyaAllah. Hehe. Sorry papa. Luv you lots though. Hehe

Thanx to Papa, I got to do A&E placement in Hospital Serdang. I know, it was quite far off from Subang. But, that was what I got, and I did not complain. Since I can't drive (have no guts to drive, actually. huhu), so I had to get a lift to Serdang every day. Thank you Uncle.

First day of placement. Alhamdulillah, was very relieved to find my friend doing her placement in the same department as well. Happy happy. Later, after the meeting, we were shown around by Dr Nizam. Only then, I realized, I was the only one not wearing a white coat. Oh damn. Is it a policy for the students to wear one on wards? I was panicking cause i don't have one with me. It is left in my wardrobe in sheffield. Oh great. that does not help. at all. Seriously, I felt naked at that time. Literally, that is. Huhu.

Later on, after the tour, i asked one of the doctors if they have an extra white coat. And alhamdulillah, the hospitals do offer white coat for rent! Immediately, I ran off to that place and got myself a white coat. Interesting how comfortable and relieved i felt after wearing the white coat. Haha.

To make things short, my first week was a bit boring. There was nothing much to do really. It was the second week where things only started to become interesting. I braved myself to do cannulation, and managed to successfully do one by myself after 2 initial failed attempts. Since then, I have been having this kind of 'crave' ,if i may call it that, haha, to cannulate people. Yea, crazy aren't i? When a new patient came in, I will be the first one running to the patient, hoping the patient needs to be cannulated. Hahaha. Or at least to take blood. Or even ABG. I guess i enjoy poking needles in others' veins. Hahaha.

The best experience that i gained during this placement is when i got to assist a doctor to do pleural aspiration on a MVA patient. That was supermarvellous! Now, that was one awesome hands on experience! The adrenaline rush. The pressure. The stress of having to do things right. Plus the eye of the head of department which was watching me like a hawk when i was assisting Dr Jeth for that procedure. Gosh. I loved it.

And to take histories from Malaysian patients was a completely different experience. I realized how I changed the way i speak from one patient to another. Interesting. The use of '-lah' and 'its like that wan' in an english speaking conversation miraculously emerged after being burried for quite some time. Hehe. And mind you, i had accidently said '-lah' with my English friends when i was talking to them recently. Hehe.

Oh well, i really enjoyed my placement in Malaysia. Everything is just so different. And i can't wait to actually work in Malaysia. I think my mind is made up. I am going home after i graduate insyaAllah. Just pray that i will pass this phase 3a exam first though! heheh.

Till then, wassalam =)

2nd episode of Paris trip (beware: EXTRA LONG!)

As promised. The second episode of my Paris trip.

24 June 2008 (day 2)

We woke up around 730 ish am. All fresh and bright. Almost 100% recovered from yesterday's trauma. Huhu. We were all geared up and excited. Disneyland is waiting for us! Yay!! Hehe. I hopped off my bed, rushed to the shower. The thought of Disneyland just brings a smile to our face. Haha. (I know, I am 23. But hey, there's always a kid in each and everyone of us. No matter how old we are!) Silently, I prayed that today, things will turn out better than it was yesterday.

However, surprise surprise, it seems like my prayer was not granted.

Ok, lets start from the very beginning.

We were busy packing our stuffs, while munching on the croissants that i had brought from tesco before we flew to Paris. We were in our la la land, probably already imagining ourselves having fun in Disnyeland, until Munirah asked me a question. A question that killed the excitement. A question that abruptly changed our mood. My mood in particular.

"Akak, tiket Disneyland ada?" She asked.

I stopped whatever I was doing at that time and stared at her. Blur.

"Eh, bukan ada ngan awak ke?" I answered.

"Eh mana ada. Saya ada tiket saya je. Kan saya dah email kat akak tiket akak. Akak dah print kan?"

I was dumbfounded. Argh. I did not have my Disneyland ticket with me! (We printed our tickets in IC a day before flying off to Paris. She had shown me a ticket with Disneyland picture on it, and at that time, I thought she had printed off the tickets for both of us. I absolutely had no idea that we had to individually print off our tickets!)

Munirah felt extremely guilty and I myself felt guilty for making her feel guilty! Huhu. It was my fault, not hers. So, to make her feel less guilty, I put on a smiling face and said "Its ok. We try and find a place to print the ticket. Mesti ada cafe internet kat sini. Kalau takde, akak beli je la tiket baru"

I was determined to buy myself a new ticket. I am already in Paris. Heck. It will be a loss not to go to Disneyland! I did not mind raking out another 50 euro for the tickets.

So we headed out of the hotel, trying to find any internet cafes. There were actually quite a number, BUT, it was only 830 then, and NONE of them were open. Huhu. We walked quite far off from our hotel, but to no avail. Hence, I decided that I will just buy myself a new ticket. So, we tried to get ourselves to the metro station, only to find ourselves lost (again!). As usual, we thickened our face and asked help from the locals. And alhamdulillah, we managed to find our way.

As soon as we arrived Disneyland, smiles were plastered to our face. It was an automatic reflex, I guess. Haha. We snapped some pictures and headed off to the ticketing booth. My jaw dropped to the floor when my eyes saw the price for entrance ticket. It was almost double from the price that i had paid for the ticket when i bought it online! Crazy! I was seriously in dilemma then. Thinking if it was worth it to spend that much money just to see Mickey Mouse and friends. huhu. But, I was not going to let Munirah down, so I headed off the counter with her and asked for the price confirmation. I explained to the lady that i forgot to print my ticket. And alhamdulillah, she told us that they provide printing facilities! Yayyyyyyyy. Happy i was. Seriously. Hahaha. We printed off my ticket and happily went into Disneyland. Hehe.

We snapped and snapped and snapped. We even bought ourselves a Minnie Mouse ears. Hahaha. We wore them, pretending to be cute! Hahaha. It was fabulous. But, that was not for long. Huhu. We were happily taking pictures after pictures after pictures, when suddenly, the camera just stopped working!!!! Huuuuuurgh. For whatever reason, it just refused to work even after turning it on and off for the umpteenth time. Devastated, not knowing what to do. We had to roamed and called a few of our friends back in Sheffield for help but to no avail. Lastly, we decided to take the suggestion from Mr Jo. We bought ourselves 2 disposable cameras! Huhuhu. Sad huh?

We refused to let that ruin our mood. We thickened our face and snap and pose and snap. Hah. We could not care less what others think of our manual disposable camera. Haha. We want our memories in Paris to be captured in pictures. So be it if our camera is not as superb as the others. Hahaha.

We spent a splendid 6 hours in Disney and we were damn knackered! Hot, sweating, sticky with unpleasant odour! Huhuhu. We stank. Hahahha. But it was worth it. Hahaha.

Later that evening, we decided to go to Eiffel Tower. We know it looks more gorgeous at night, and seriously, it does! We waited for almost an hour to get up. It was well worth the wait. We climbed up all the way to the first and second stage. And, oh man, was I exhausted! I was panting, and sweating like mad. I felt like i've just ran a marathon! Huhu. But, it was all worth it. The view was superfabulous. Frustrated though as we were not able to capture our memory at Eiffel in pictures. Oh well, the memory will always be engraved in my heart. Hahaha.

Anyway, by the time our feet touch solid ground again, it was almost 1030 pm. We decided to hang around at the park across the Eiffel tower, just so that we would be able to get a nice view of the tower from far. The park was packed with people, lying around on the grass. We joined the crowd for 30 minutes or so and then decide to leave around 11 pm.

We get on the metro to St Ouen metro station and arrived there around 1230 am. We walked to the exit, simply taking our time. When we reach the exit, I could feel my whole body froze. I could not believe what I have just saw. Oh no way. You have GOT to be kidding me. This CAN'T be happening!

We found ourselves LOCKED inside the metro station.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh. Seriously, I panicked and almost cried! Panic, we walked towards the other exit, only to find the exit to be closed as well. Oh gosh. We were actually trapped inside the metro. For god sake, sleeping at the metro was not on my things-to-do-in-Paris list! Huhu. Frantic, we rang some random bell, and alhamdulillah, an angry faced security guard came to the rescue. We explained what happened and he let us out of the building with an irritated look on his face. Huh.

Our story did not end there.

We somehow managed to get lost again. And this time, we were REALLY lost! We walked around in circles, completely clueless of our whereabouts. We asked a passerby, followed his direction, and half way tru, we get lost again. And again and again and again. Can you imagine, it was almost 2 am, and we found ourselves walking in the middle of the street of Paris. Unsure of where to go! All I could think about at that time was Why. There has got to be a reason for this to happen. I took it as a punishment from Him. Huhu.

I was so stressed out that i refused to talk. Poor Munirah. Sorry girl. I was so stressed at that time because as your senior, I held the responsibility of looking after you! She kept talking, probably trying to ease the tension. But I kept walked in silence. Huhu. Seriously, I was scared.

We somehow ended up finding our way to the Hotel around 2.30 am. Crazy! Tell me about it. Huhu.

Paris (1st episode. hehe)

I am supposed to be doing my clinical case presentation for Monday, but I am running out of ideas. Hence decided to give my blog a visit. It has been ages since I last updated my blog! Sheesh. I guess I have been s00000 busy for the past few weeks, that I completely did not have the time to scribble a thing or two in my blog. huhu. And now I plan to put aside my presentation for a while and write about my incredibly and ridiculously unforgettable yet fun trip to Paris.

Me and Munirah went to Paris for three days on the start of our summer holiday. Well, little did we know that we were about to embark on an 'amazing' journey! A journey that was filled with so many ridiculous and unexpected incidents. Too many absurd incidents that it is just almost impossible to forget.

Well, lets start with day 1.

23 June 2008
I had a doctor's appointment earlier that morning. My blood results were fabulous. I was happy! Headed straight to the train station as I had promised to meet Munirah there at around 1 pm. Went to the designated platform, Munirah arrived just a few minutes after I arrived. Our train arrives around 130. The train was packed! We had to sit on our handluggage in the corridor near the toilet as all of the seats were taken. Thankfully it was only a 30 minutes journey. As we arrived Derby, we left the train and waited for the shuttle bus to take us to the East Midlands Airport. The bus arrived a bit later than the scheduled time, but alhamdulillah, we did manage to get to the airport on time. Everything was going smoothly then. I was content. Thinking that alhamdulillah, this is a good start.

I guess everything started when we were in the airport. Alhamdulillah, I had no problem checking in, but that was not the case for Munirah. Apparently, her hand luggage was TOO HUGE to be fitted in the airport cabin! Ridiculous!! The size of her bag was actually smaller than the bag that i always bring for hand luggage, and yet her bag was claimed to be oversize and had to be checked in. And for the bag to be checked in, she has to pay an extra 14 pounds or so! Urgh. That was simply unfair. But, who are we to argue? Huhu. Defeated without a battle, she headed off to the BMI Baby office to pay the fee.

Later, we headed off to the security check area. My liquid stuffs were not placed in a proper transparent bag ( i simply put them in the tesco plastic bags. huhu) since my house ran out of supply. Confident that the airport will provide them for free at the entrance of the security check area, we walked to the security check area. We were about to reach the area when we realized that there were no plastic bags provided! Panicked, we walked out of the line and tried to think of what to do! I was panicking; stretching my neck, frantically trying to see if we had missed it amongst the crowd. My eyes, somehow, managed to caught this vending machine, standing proudly near the entrance of the security check area. I did not know what caught my interest, but something was not quite right with the vending machine. Oh gosh. No wonder. That was a vending machine for the transparent plastic bags! Huhu. It costs me 1.50 pounds for 2 plastic bags. Huhu. Thankfully the bags were good in quality!!

So, after putting my stuffs in the plastic bag, we headed off to the security area and alhamdulillah, no problem there. We went to see the main screen if the boarding gate has been announced, and it was not. Oh well, it was still early then. No problem. We lingered around and bought myself a sandwich and had my lunch. After a while, we checked the screen again, and still the gate number was still not announced. It says "Relax and shop". Ok. Fine. We will relax, but maybe not shop. huhu. Every 10 minutes or so, we checked the screen, and still it said the same thing. It was already nearing 4.30 pm and still no gate number. Our flight was supposed to board at 4.30! We started to get restless. We stood in front of the screen, staring at the screen, as if that will change a thing! We paced around, irritated. Oh come on. If the flight is delayed, just announce that it is delayed. At least our mind will be at ease. It was already past 4.30 and the screen still says "Relax and Shop". Urgh. How annoying.

Later on, we heard a couple saying that the gate number has been announced. All of us rushed to the boarding gate like a flock of bees swarming a field of honey! I think our flight departed about 30 - 40 minutes later than the scheduled time. And that, cost us our plan for the night! Huhu.

We arrived Paris ( can't remember what time) and headed off to the Metro. Happy, we were. Yay. Finally, I am in Paris. Hehe. We got on one Metro and get to Saint Michael Notre Dame station. There we had to change metro to get to St Ouen station (that's where our hotel is). We somehow, brilliantly managed to get on the wrong metro and found ourselves heading towards the opposite direction! After asking a passerby (who was also clueless and had to ask the metro driver for direction!), we managed to get on the right metro and headed off to St Ouen. As we arrived St Ouen, that was when a new problem arises. We had NO idea how to get to Formula 1 Hotel from the station! Huhu. To make things worse, it was almost 1130 pm and it was completely DARK! We asked one of the workers in the metro and he told us the way to get there. And yet, we managed to get lost. Me and my bearings! huhu. Then, we simply walked through the darkness of the night. To be honest, I was scared. To be in a foreign place, where nothing is familiar in the middle of the night. Every time someone walked by, I can feel my heart beating faster. I cling to my rucksack as firm as possible, as if that would protect me from danger. Huhu.

Alhamdulillah, after walking in circles for almost 20 minutes, we later managed to bump into a group of ladies. They walked us off to the hotel. It was almost 12.30 when we were finally there. Crazy. I know! You have no idea how I thank Allah right after we bunked into our room. Our first day was already a disaster! We naively hoped and prayed that tomorrow will be better. My body was aching, my stomach was grumbling. And yet, I managed to sleep through the night like a baby.

Fuh. There's more to tell. I will continue in the next post. huhu. Till then, ciao.

netball maniac, i am.

Sheffield netballers.

i'm crazy about netball. crazy enough to be writing one special post about it in my blog. haha.

i still remember, the first time i learned how to play netball was aaaaaaaages ago! hehe. I was in Standard 5 (11 y/o) back then. It was during our PE. Cikgu Nazri was the man who is responsible for this addiction of mine. I can still vividly remember the first time I tried to shoot the ball trough the net. The ball went into the hoop (yay!! hehe) , but as it got tru the hoop, it 'successfully' hit Cikgu Nazri's head! Owch!! Hehehe. Sorry cikgu. That was not done on purpose. Hehe.

Til then, I started to be obsessed with netball. I joined the primary school's netball team, and remember going to the MSSD tournaments. And then, as I got into high school, without much thought, I registered myself for the netball club. And, alhamdulillah, managed to play for the school as well. And again, I spent almost every afternoon (or alternate afternoon or so. dah tak ingat!) to practice at the netball court. Main sampai hitam. Hahah. Campur lagi dengan hitam berkawat almost setiap petang. Extra hitam dan berkilat. Hahahhaa. How my parents (esp my dad) was furious when he see how 'tanned' her daughter has become! Hehehhe.

Right after secondary school, I went to Kolej Mara Banting. And yea, you got it right. I joined the netball club as well, and played for college. I can remember how Izyan and I religiously went for the netball practice twice a week. Since there's nothing much really to do in KMB, the day that i look forward to the most at that time was the day when I have netball practice in the afternoon. Don't ask me why. It just lift my spirit.

And it still does. Now i am in Uni of Sheffield, I am still actively playing netball. And, subhanAllah, all of the Sheffield team players are amazingly SUPERB!!! That just makes me loveeeeeeee netball more. hehehe. But sadly, majority of them are going home this year. Huhu. I wonder if we still manage to get enough people to form a proper netball team. Seriously, i just can't imagine how BORING my life would be next year if there's no more netball.Warghhhh.

Why do I love it so much?
I don't know, really. I just love the idea of having to run and jump to catch the ball. It just makes me feel so free. So light. So alive! Hehe. And if I get to shoot the ball tru the hoop, that will be an extra pinch of satisfaction to me. hehehe.

Prejudice

Prejudice. Deny all you want, but either you realize it or not, we always have this negative attitude within us. It is as if we are born and bred with it. As if it runs in our veins, crawling under each and every inch of our skin.

Do you realize how easily we pass judgment on people? We are all too judgmental, and I loathe it.
We see a person dressed sloppily and appear unkempt, and we think that 'owh, this person must be poor'. He might have just happen to wake up late that morning and did not had the time to don himself properly, hence appearing unkempt.

We see a man driving his car at the speed of lightning, blasting horns to every car that drive at the speed of snail in front of him, and we easily labeled him as a road bully. He might have some sort of emergency that he has to attend to, who knows.

We see a man wearing a Pagoda shirt, walking out of his E series Mercedes, and we think that he must have been filthy rich. And if we see another man donning branded attire from head to toe, climbing out of a Proton Saga, i doubt any heads will turn.

And the examples goes on and on and on.

You can deny all you want, but yes, we are judgmental. Either conscious or subconsciously,we do it all the time.

And I am sick of it. Of judging people AND being judged by people all the time. I am what I am. And I am trying to change. But i refuse to change for other's sake. Only for Him, i will change. And trust me, i am trying. Slowly maybe, but at least I am trying. I know who I am. So please, stop judging.