4th year?

I'm in my 4th year? Sheesh. Can't believe it. Amazing how time flies!

I just only realized it when i was talking to a new postgraduate whom had just arrived sheffield yesterday. I was telling her bout my experience when i first land my foot on English soil.

"Saya masa mula2 dtg sini, sejuuk gile! Masa saya datang ... (my brain was trying to do some maths. trying to figure out the exact number of years it has been since i first came to UK) .. dah 4 tahun yg lepas" I said.

Oh gosh. That sounds aaaaaaaaages ago. 4 years? The PG looked surprised herself. Hehe.

"Uish dah lama kat sini?" She said.

Yes. Definitely. Sangat dah lama.

Surprise surprise, how time flew by.

My first year in Sheffield. Well, it was not exactly my best year. To be fair, I was exposed to a new place, a new culture, new people, oh gosh, everything is foreign to be exact! Then, I was still in the phase where i can't believe i am the only Malay in my course. Knowing that there are only 4 other Malaysians doesn't actually lift my mood. I was down. Intimidated. Inferiored by others. Wondering how on earth did i ended up in Sheffield all by myself. I did not even make that many new Malaysian friends for the first few months. I sticked to De'e n Jang (as they were from KMB) like a belangkas. Hehe. The other girls from KMS seems to be comfortable with their own circle of friends. And hence, the loneliness. Hehehehe =P

To reminisce about the number of times i felt weak inside. The number of times i felt like i don't belong. The number of times i felt like i can't do medicine. The number of times i cried. The number of times i felt like packing my stuffs and just leave. Oh gosh, I was certainly not in my very best condition at that time. But, somehow, alhamdulillah, miraculously, I managed.

I am fine. I can do this. If others can do this, so can you. That was what i keep reminding myself. I have to support myself. I have my own back. And I know that Allah is with me. I guess thats when i truly know what it feels like to hold on to nothing but Him. And yes, He helped me through. All the way through. And I am glad for it.

My second year. This was my turning point, i guess. I was the General Secretary of SMSA (Sheffield Malaysian Student Association), and that post helped me bloom a lot. It changed me. From a fragile person, i transformed to a stronger individual. From an inferior girl, I became a more confident person. This is when i learnt that life is not all about studying. I got to know more people. Slowly slowly, I got to create a stronger bond with the other students, especially those in the committee. I enjoyed what i was doing. Even though, we had to attend meetings everyweek, we seemed to enjoy it. We sometimes looked forward for Wednesday, because that was the day when we all get to meet. Haha. Crazy, weren't we?

It had been a hectic year, no doubt about that. The endless meetings that we had to go to, the endless hours having to crack our brain trying to figure out the best plan for the endless number of events that we had to organize for the members, the sacrifice that we had to make to make sandwich spread or grilling BBQ chicken til late night just so that the members can have their stomach filled during the events, and so on and so forth. It was just crazy. But i loved it.

My third year. This is when my life just started to get even more interesting. I have just started my clinical years. And that was super duper freaking amazing. I loved it. And i still do. Despite the fact that I was thrown all over the place (outside of Sheffield) for my placement, I still enjoy it. To be in a hospital ground is just exhilirating. I feel like a doctor already. hehehe. But a doctor with insufficient knowledge and skill, that is! Hehe. My housemates are just so lovely. I love knowing that every week when i got back home after being away for placement, i will be going back home to a lovely bunch of people. They crack me up, all the time. Laugh is certainly what we do best. Oh, and talk too, of course. We spend hours at dining table during dinner, doing talking most of the time. Hehehe. Not that i did not enjoy living with my previous housemates. But, i dunno, they are just somethingelse. Hehe.

And now, I am in my fourth year. Struggling to force myself to study for my finals this Dec. Huhu. I need to pass this exam. I have to. So please Ya Allah, please help your weak and fragile servant...

tangible feeling

my feelings are all jumbled up today. i feel as if i have been riding an emotional rollercoaster ride.

to start with, i woke up this morning, on my laptop, visited my facebook for a quick peek and noticed Elly's link on her status. Hmm, i clicked on it and tadaaa. there it was. my face. Along with Ain, Emy and Elly of course, posing around the University of Sheffield stand post, in snow. Hahaha. Oh gosh. I can't believe my face was actually printed in newspaper. Hehe. Oh well, the article was not about me obviously, but the fact that my face is there, no matter how small, just gave me a jolt of excitement! Hehe. Pardon me, but my face don't come up in news paper that often, so allow me a few minutes to bask in the so-called glory. Hehe.

Anyway, that was not why I am happy in the morning.

I just heard from my cousin that my lil sister has finally confirmed her date to fly to Manchester. She is coming this Sunday, yay! I was happy for a few second. Until, my mind suddenly focused on my mom. Huhu. I really hope she will be ok. Just imagine, I am here in Sheffield. And now, my lil sister is coming to Manch. And later, insyaAllah, my elder sister is coming to Leeds for her Masters. And then two of my elder sisters might be moving out to their new home. And my other lil sister has went off to university. That leaves her with papa and my lil brother. Oh gosh. From a house packed with 9 noisy people (and that does not include extremely noisy aqef and adam!) suddenly left with only 3 not so noisy people? Huhu. Don't know why, but just thinking about it makes me sad..

And later in the afternoon, right after i had got back from attachment, i received a devastating news. A news that shocked me, and made me go pale. I could not believe my eyes when i read the text that Kak Lida wrote to me. My previous landlord has just passed away. Innalillah..Seriously, man, I was totally stunned by the news. I know, you must have think that he is just my landlord. But, no, he is actually not just my landlord. He has been my landlord for the whole 3 years! And, urgh, well, lets just say we did not have a smooth ending. We had some sort of a misunderstanding, and shamefully, I had been talking bad about him behind his back.

And now, the news about his death just shuddered me. I have sinned so much to him. Oh why, mouth, why can't you just shut up! Why do I need to say nasty things bout others? I should have bite my tongue. I hate myself for this. I feel so damn guilty..And now i promised myself NOT to backbite, again. to anyone. not even animals. No one. Just shut up, mouth. Shut up.

And tonight, as i am writing this blog, my heart has gone tachycardic. I have a presentation to do tomorrow and I am totally freaking out. Ya Allah, make things easy for me as only You are the one who can make difficult things easy...

All sorts of feelings. All in one day. I guess this is what you call human.

Malaysia oh Malaysia

oh gosh, it has been a while since i last updated this blog. and now, my hand is itching to scribble! hehe.

well, i had just returned from my 8 weeks summer holiday in Malaysia. Splendid, it was. Amazing how being close to your loved ones just makes you feel different inside. Hehe.

Hmm, anyway, I did a 3 weeks clinical attachment at Hospital Serdang for my Option SSC. Thanks to my dad who had to go through a whole lot of trouble for me. Huhu. I was the one who was at wrong as I handled things last minute. I almost had to stay in Sheffield to do my Option. Argh. But, of course, my saviour came to rescue. Aigo. Ok, i have promised myself not to do the same thing again for my elective next year, insyaAllah. Hehe. Sorry papa. Luv you lots though. Hehe

Thanx to Papa, I got to do A&E placement in Hospital Serdang. I know, it was quite far off from Subang. But, that was what I got, and I did not complain. Since I can't drive (have no guts to drive, actually. huhu), so I had to get a lift to Serdang every day. Thank you Uncle.

First day of placement. Alhamdulillah, was very relieved to find my friend doing her placement in the same department as well. Happy happy. Later, after the meeting, we were shown around by Dr Nizam. Only then, I realized, I was the only one not wearing a white coat. Oh damn. Is it a policy for the students to wear one on wards? I was panicking cause i don't have one with me. It is left in my wardrobe in sheffield. Oh great. that does not help. at all. Seriously, I felt naked at that time. Literally, that is. Huhu.

Later on, after the tour, i asked one of the doctors if they have an extra white coat. And alhamdulillah, the hospitals do offer white coat for rent! Immediately, I ran off to that place and got myself a white coat. Interesting how comfortable and relieved i felt after wearing the white coat. Haha.

To make things short, my first week was a bit boring. There was nothing much to do really. It was the second week where things only started to become interesting. I braved myself to do cannulation, and managed to successfully do one by myself after 2 initial failed attempts. Since then, I have been having this kind of 'crave' ,if i may call it that, haha, to cannulate people. Yea, crazy aren't i? When a new patient came in, I will be the first one running to the patient, hoping the patient needs to be cannulated. Hahaha. Or at least to take blood. Or even ABG. I guess i enjoy poking needles in others' veins. Hahaha.

The best experience that i gained during this placement is when i got to assist a doctor to do pleural aspiration on a MVA patient. That was supermarvellous! Now, that was one awesome hands on experience! The adrenaline rush. The pressure. The stress of having to do things right. Plus the eye of the head of department which was watching me like a hawk when i was assisting Dr Jeth for that procedure. Gosh. I loved it.

And to take histories from Malaysian patients was a completely different experience. I realized how I changed the way i speak from one patient to another. Interesting. The use of '-lah' and 'its like that wan' in an english speaking conversation miraculously emerged after being burried for quite some time. Hehe. And mind you, i had accidently said '-lah' with my English friends when i was talking to them recently. Hehe.

Oh well, i really enjoyed my placement in Malaysia. Everything is just so different. And i can't wait to actually work in Malaysia. I think my mind is made up. I am going home after i graduate insyaAllah. Just pray that i will pass this phase 3a exam first though! heheh.

Till then, wassalam =)