exams. bwekkkk.

my 4th year finals is in 2 weeks. my head is spinning. my heart is racing like mad. my stomach is churning. my throat is suffocating.. from fear.

i hate exams. i never liked it. of course, i doubt any normal human being actually LIKE exams though. huhu.

stressed, i am. i felt a tiny bit better after the study group last week. but, after doing the trial EMQ paper yesterday, i felt like i had just plunged into a blackhole. i felt as if i don't know what i know. i don't know if i know enough. urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. tensed!

so bear with me as i may get extremely irritable and snappy for the rest 2-3 weeks. sorry.

Permudahkanlah Ya Allah...... i really really want to pass this exam. T_T

Getting OLDer

My ex-roomie in KMB is getting married this december. She has just announced the date of her wedding day, and urgh, as expected, i am not going to be able to attend to her wedding as i will be here in winter. huhu. Another bestfriend's wedding missed. I can't believe she is getting married. Oh well, maybe not THAT surprised coz she did tell me earlier that she is getting married this december. But, she is a year younger than me! Argh. And she is getting married first. BEFORE ME! Heheheh. Kidding. Still remember the moments we spent back when we were in KMB, in room 131 (? i can't remember if that is the right number to be frank. but it does sounds quite right. heheh). Anyway, congrats darling. You are going to be a perfect bride, wife and mom insyaAllah. I love u to d bits, bebeh.

Apart from that, last Thursday, my friends had just went for their very first job interview. JOB interview ok. We are no longer attending for scholarship interview, or university entry interview. But it is JOB interview that we go to now. Gosh, that just sounds SO serious. and so OLD! I feel so proud of my friends. I feel as if they are growing up! hahah. Now, i sound like a mother. But, i do feel that way for them.

As I watched them preparing for the interview the night before, my heart flickered. We are getting older. We are heading to an entirely new world, in a few months time (for them, that is. Mine is still in another 1 year and a half. huhu). A whole new responsibility is awaiting for us. A whole new environment. A whole new life.

And now, they are only a few months apart from that imaginary line which separates them for the 'different' world. And i hope, they will all pass that line without much trouble. And I hope they will be fine over the 'other' line.

Hope to join you guys at the other line in few years time insyaAllah? InsyaAllah. See you there.

till death do us apart

Till death do us apart.

The famous phrase which is stated again and again in a marriage vow. Yet, how many of us actually stick to it?

Marriage is not an easy thing. It surely does sounds like fun, hehe, but the responsibilities that comes together with it is certainly not something that can simply be dissmissed.

My experience of being in placements in various departments made me aware of this. I have seen how a wife stood by her husband, who was badly disfigured due to parotid malignancy. I, myself, to be honest, was completely caught off guard when I first saw this man. His face was badly disfigured that he appeared almost less human. A 2 year old might cry if (s)he catch a glimpse of this poor man. Yes, it was that bad. But, amazingly, despite all of that, his wife was by his side all the time. Her smile never left her face. I can just sense her love to her husband when i watched her taking care of him. She must have loved him so. She really did stick to him til the very end. That poor man passed away 2 days after i met him..

I have also seen how a husband stood by his wife. His wife has bipolar affective disorder and hence her mood is very unpredictable. At one time, she will be on top of the world, and at other times her mood will be as low as if she had dropped into a blackhole. When she was low, she will be wailing and crying and will be having the nasty flashbacks of all of the horrible things that had been happening to her. She hates doctors and refuse to trust anyone. She takes every small things seriously. She was just a difficult patient to manage. I have been with them for the past 5 weeks, and i can see how her husband is trying to cope with her wife. He cried for her, wanting only the very best for her, which is something that she failed to see. Obviously because she has poor insight about her condition. They had a 'drama' yesterday during the ward rounds, and she insisted on leaving without her treatment. Her husband tried to persuade her to stay, but failed. I was afraid that he might burst his temper and force her to stay, but amazingly, he did nothing like that. He was so calm and tried to convince her again that she needs treatment, but to no avail. In the end, he left the consultation room, crying..

So now i see how marriage is a serious thing. You've made a vow to be with your wedded husband (or wife) till death comes. For better or worse.

p/s: i am unwell and was told to relax hence here i am, blogging. heheh.

pencuri jahat

I was busy empiring the netball practice yesterday. Out of the blue, i suddenly had this urge to check my mobile. Azian rang me three times. I wondered what's going on.

Then, i noticed that I've got a text from her as well. I opened it, and my jaw dropped to the floor when my eyes read the text sent to me.

"Akak, rumah kita masuk pencuri. Laptop Kak Elly kene curi"

Flabbergasted, I don't know whatelse to do but to shout out Emy's name as loud as possible.

"Emy, rumah kita kene masuk pencuri!"

That's all that i managed to say.

Shocked, both of us ran towards home without thinking much.

Yes. Our house was broken into yesterday. By two annoyingly heartless human being.

These men are crazy, i tell you. Too brave, thats why i call them crazy.

First thing first. It was only 20 minutes before 7 when they broke into our house. It was dark, but to be fair, the office next door was still open at that time. My housemate's bedroom , which was where they broken into, was in the first floor. That means they had to get on the big bin which was conveniently located near the pipe which they clung to, that led them to her bedroom. (You see, watching CSI does helps!) The light in her room was on. And, her room was at the FRONT side of the house. Yet, these did not stopped them from breaking in. Crazy, aren't they?

They only managed to nick one laptop and an ipod and an external hard disk. It is a huge relief that no one was hurt in this incident. But still, the thought of these people being in our house, messing with our things, when 3 of the other members of the house were having meal in the kitchen just gave me goosebumps.

BENCI. That's all i can say. I just hate this insecure feeling. After that incident, i don't know how many times i checked if my window and door is locked before going to bed. Even after locking them, i was still afraid to go to bed. i HATE them for doing this to me and my housemates..
Hopefully my housemate whose laptop was stolen will be strong in facing this tribulation. Everything happens for a reason. InsyaAllah, there is a hikmah behind this..Be strong, my love.

the pencuri: i hate you. period.

Mood

Mood are contagious, aren't they? Huhu. I suppose if you are talking to someone who is in an elated mood, your mood somehow will be lifted as well. And if you are talking to a person who is crying, interestingly, you will find your eyes welling up with tears as well.



This is a problem that i have to face with this Psychiatry placement. Too much emotion is involved. Everyday, people will come up to you, crying their eyeballs off. Each and everyone of them will have a different story to tell. Different but similar in some manner. And ALL of the stories are tear jerkers. It is just impossible not to cry. And to make it worse, they cry in front of me. Which is something that i can't stand. Somehow, i think my motto in life is 'If you cry, I will cry'. Huhuhu.



Just listening to their heartbreaking stories just shudders me. Just thinking about how much of the burden these people has got to carry on their shoulder just breaks my heart. I know. We aren't supposed to be emotionally attached to patients. We have to be professional as medical professionals. I am sorry. That I don't think I could manage. I am sorry for being a human being, who just can't resist to feel what other people is feeling.



What makes it worse is when some of the patients are just too depressed to speak. They are the ones that will walk into the clinic with a solemn look on the face. Their eyebrows looked as if they are 'knitted'. They stooped as if they have the problems of the whole world weighing them down. Their eyes are locked to the ground. Without even blurting a word, they will just break down and cry. These people are the ones that wreck my heart the most.



I feel like holding their hands, hugging them, telling them that everything is going to be ok. But no, for them life is no longer worth living. It is worthless. They themselves feel worthless. They could not even bother less to live another day. To live a life that no longer has any meaning to them anymore.



It just hurts me when this one patient burst in front of me, begging me to cure her. "Please doctor. Do something. Make me better. I don't want to live anymore." Those are her words, which are still playing in my head over and over again. I was dumbfounded. There is nothing much that i can do but to offer her some word of comfort. I feel helpless.



I love this placement. I guess it makes me appreciate life better. I wonder if i might be a psychiatrist in future? Hehe. Who knows..