Put a smile on your face =)

As promised, the second post of the day (my audit is waiting for me. what am i doing writing 2 entries in one go?!)

I called the cab, and the cab arrived less than 5 minutes later. As I climbed into the taxi, I was too emotionally drained. I just want a piece of mind. I planned to use the time in the cab to dread the fact that i am super late for my communication skill session.

But, no. That was not what that had happened.

The cab driver talks. And I mean talk. Like proper talk. Like a proper-conversation-talk. Not just a how-are-you-today-then-pure-silence-talk. He was a super duper extremely over friendly guy. Hehe.

He started off by asking me the usual question. "How was your morning today love?"

I told him I had a crappy morning, which obviously i did not go much into detail. And I thought it would just stop there. End of discussion. But no, he continued to talk and asked more questions about myself. I was not bothered to be frank. He seemed like a nice enough guy. So, we chatted for quite a bit. Hence, my plan for a piece of mind was thrown into the bin.

The reason I wrote this entry is because of a statement that he said to me.

"You are wearing a scarf. So, I guess you must be a muslim?"

"Yes, I am"

"Funny. I thought you look like a Christian"

I was taken aback by his remark. I look like a Christian? To be frank, I felt a bit insulted. I was curious to know what makes he think I look like a Christian.

"That's the first time someone had said something like that to me"

After an awkward silence, he said " You smiled"

I was confused. Was he trying to change the topic?

"You smiled a lot. All of those Muslims that I see, they don't smile. But you smile a lot. Not like them"

I smiled upon hearing his answer.

"All of the Christian nuns that I see, they wear headscarves like you. And they smile a lot. You wear headscarf. And you smile. So that's why I thought you are a Christian"

As you can guess, I was still smiling at that time. Only managed to say "Ookkkk..." Not entirely sure how to reply what he said.

And the conversation went on after that, talking a bit bout religion. He told me he does not believe in God, but only believes that in this world, there are good and bad people. I did not challenge much about that, as i was afraid he might chuck me out of the taxi if i said things wrongly. Which i do regret a bit right now. As i had the chance to enlighten him at least a tiny bit about Islam, but i did not had the guts to do so.

Anyway, the main thing that I would like to remind my friends and I (especially!) is we, as muslims, need to smile. Lighten up. Be nice unto others. Even to the nonbelievers. Obviously be nice to them accordingly. Remember, whatever we do in our lives reflects our religion. If we behave beautifully, in a way, we are showing to the world the beauty of Islam. Just imagine, something as simple as a smile might flicker the heart of the nonbelievers to learn more bout Islam. Interesting, huh. We all may not be capable to stand in front of a crowd and preach them about Islam, but we all certainly can smile!

A Beautiful yet crappy day

i had a crappy start today. i took the 8 am shuttle bus to get to northern general hosp (NGH) and arrived there around 0830. I was torn into two, either to attend a clinic with Dr Stewart or to attend another ward round with the SPR. I thought that i would benefit from the clinic more, so i decided to go to the clinic. Hence, i went to the outpatient department, and went to the reception, clarifying if Dr Stewart is having her clinic today at 9. They said no.

Ok, that's weird. Cause I know she has a clinic on Wednesday. That's what is said on the timetable. So I went in to the MacMillan Palliative Care Unit again, and asked one of the staff nurses if she knew anything about the clinic. She told me that Dr Stewart does has a clinic at 9. At the Chest clinic. Its a good thing i asked her where the chest clinic was. If I had not asked, i would have ended up in Chesterman Wing.

She told me to ask the reception at the hospital main entrance. So, there I go again. Bracing myself through the quite cold morning, I hassled myself to the hospital main building. The receptionist gave me the direction to the clinic. Which led me exactly back to the Outpatient Department 1. Ok. Not good. I was back to square one.

I told the reception at OPD 1 what happen. Then she told me that "Oh, that clinic must be at Outpatient Department 2 then,". Crap. Super crap. That is a long way from where I was then. I did not even have to think long before deciding that I am just going to miss the clinic and attend the ward round instead.

Which I did. And, as always, it was a depressing round. All of the patients are dying. One of them is too drowsy to stay awake. One of them looks like a bag of bones. Huhu. They are all in such a heart breaking condition. Which reminds me, one of the patients that I saw on Monday passed away on Tuesday. This is just a sad, sad placement..

By noon, i was supposed to clerk a patient for tomorrow's ward round, but he was too tired to talk. Fair enough. I will be talking to him the first thing tomorrow morning before the ward round. Later, I took some bloods. Alhamdulillah, this time i managed. I failed miserably last Monday, and my confidence level at that time was a bit low. Alhamdulillah, I managed to do it this time at first attempt. Haish, that was the first time I took blood since almost 9 months ago!

After Zuhr prayer, I had to rush off to St Lukes Hospice. Which is at the other end of Sheffield. Fantastic. I had never been there before. I had just managed to have a peek the night before at its website on directions to get there by bus. Which did not help. Joni texted me the directions to get there. But apparently, they were inaccurate directions.

I got lost by the time i stepped out of NGH. Tried to find the bus stop to catch bus 81 or 82, but failed. Apparently, I walked out to the wrong entrance. So, I had to walk all the way around that extremely and annoyingly HUGE NGH to get myself to the right entrance. Tried to find the right bus stop. But again, to no avail. It was rather hot at that time. My stomach was churning as I had nothing to eat since 7 am. Lets just say I was not in my best condition.

I grabbed the bus to city. I was completely clueless on how to get there from city centre. The 81 bus driver and I had quite a long chat, trying to figure out the best way for me to get there. Hehe. Bless him. He tried to help, but the plan didn't work out. Argh. I felt like crying at that time. Me and directions. Me and going places. Me and my bearing. ALWAYS FAILS.

It was 10 to 2. And my session starts at 2. Tears started to well up. As always. Huhu. I couldn't be bothered to find the right bus anymore. I just proceed with Johan's suggestion. Take the cab. How much it would cost me didn't matter at all to me at that time. I couldn't care less. I just want to be there. As fast as I can.

And i did. I took a cab, and arrived there 15 minutes late. Turned out, another 2 of our members got lost as well. Hey, I am not the only one. Hehe.

An interesting thing happen on my way to the hospice. Which will be written in the next post as this post is now getting too long. Hehe

Value of Life

"What do you think is happening?" she asked, soflty.

"I think the paralysis is slowly creeping up. It is now affecting my lung" He said, slowly. Slowly, but bravely.

I could see the look of hope on his face. Hoping that the doctor would prove him wrong. Hoping that the doctor would tell him that he is not going to die anytime soon.

But deep inside, he knew what was coming. He knew that those are only false hopes. He knew he has not got much time left. I can tell from the look from his face.

"You are right. I do think your lung is affected now"

Bravely, he nodded. He was too shuddered to talk. The doctor was as well. Silence fill the room.

I was still able to hold myself, until..

"If, lets say, things change markedly, would you want to go home to die?" asked the lady doctor.

"Yes, please. I want to die at home" He was starting to cry when he said that. He could no longer hold his tears from streaming down his pale face.

He told us how he wanted to be with his wife when he dies.

He told us how he have been happily married to his wife for 58 years. And soon, he is not going to be there for her anymore.

He showed us the current photograph of them together, taken by one of the professional photographer in the hospital.

That was when I started to cry. I was choking from my own tears. I was trying hard, not to cry. But, man, it was not easy. Especially when a man cries.

Of course I did not wail or stamped off the ward crying. I did managed to control myself. Although a few drops of tears leaked out, to be honest. It was just too sad. Too sad, that it was just impossible not to cry. Even the consultant that i am with told me that she was about to cry. So hey, i am not the only one.

I wonder what it feels like to know that your time is up. What would you do? How would you be spending your remaining days before leaving the world for good?

I would be praying non stop. Asking and pleading for His forgiveness. Day in and day out. For i have sin too much. But I might not have the strength to do that then. My muscles might give way, not allowing me to sit up, let alone stand up, to pray. Of course, Allah has given us the allowance to pray whilst lying if that's all we are capable of. But, the feeling is just different. You get what I mean, don't you. So, while we have the physical ability to do so, lets pray as much as we can. For nobody and nothing can grant us forgiveness apart from Him..

This is going to be a depressing week. Depressing, yet a valuable week as it teaches me the value of life.

To all of those people that i love, i love you. To all of those people that i have hurt in one way or another, i am truly sorry for whatever i have done..

End of GP placement

It has been ages since I last updated my blog. I am busy all right, but am not THAT busy. I just don't feel like writing.

I am about to finish my 7 weeks Community Placement ie GP placement. How do I find it? Quite relax, I have to say. Not relax, as in I don't have anything to do. Relax as in I don't have to go in to the surgery for the whole 5 days. We were only obliged to attend the surgery for 3 days in a week. I am expected to go in on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

Monday is always my full day. Starts from 9 til 6-ish. Might even drag til 7 if there are loads of emergency patients. Apparently, these emergency patients prefer to come later in the day! Oh well, I am not complaining.

Every Tuesday, I will be in Sheffield for my group tutorial.

It is either Wednesday or Friday when I have to go to the 7 am surgery. Which means I have to wake up as early as 5 am to catch the 6 am tram to Tinsely. From Tinsely, I have to walk all the way to Brinsworth Medical Centre which normally took me around 30 minutes to get there! Oh well, I take that as a good form of exercise. I do find myself taking less than 30 minutes now to go there. Which is a good sign. My stamina is finally catching up.

Thursday is my day off. Normally, I would feel too guilty to spend the whole day doing things other then work. Huhu. Quarter or half of the day is OK. Not the whole day. Anyway, I do have my audit to work on, so I could not manage to take the day off anyway.

And now, I only have 1 day left for the placement. Sad? Not really. Excited? A little bit, perhaps. Not that I did not enjoy the placement. I do. I just feel that I am ready for a change now. 7 weeks has been a bit too long. Haha. How on earth am I going to cope with working life later on? Haish.

This placement has been a wake up call for me. It is time to do more work, Aliaa. By now, history and examination should be flawless. Well, to be fair, maybe not flawless. But near to flawless. And at the stage I am now, I should be able to come up with a concrete management plan. Or so they say. Huhu.

My first experience to handle an entire consultation by myself was quite scary. The complexity of the patient's case is far from difficult. Easy, i must say. It is just a SIMPLE COLD! The patient complained of coughing, runny nose and etc. I took the history, did the examination. Fine. By the time it gets to management plan, my feet is no longer on the steady ground. I am doubting myself. Doubting my own clinical judgement. What if I am wrong? Based on his history and examination, I believe it is just common cold. But I can't help but thinking what if it turns out to be pneumonia or something worse like that? A man's life is at stake. I kept looking at my supervisor for reassurance when I was telling that patient my management plan. He simply nodded, assuring me that it is ok to go on. At the end of my consultation, he took over. And I simply could not resist the feeling of relief straight after that. It was just a simple case, but I felt my responsibility over that patient is ocean-deep. Huhu.

Why am I a Muslim?

Does God Exist?

That was the topic of the talk that I went to this evening. Quite an interesting talk. Personally, what caught my interest was the Q&A session. I was intrigued to hear what the other non muslims think about Islam. I was intrigued to know how they feel after hearing the talk. Are they annoyed? Have a twitch of interest or curiosity of Islam flickered at all? At least a tiny, tiny bit.

One question from the audience, who is a non muslim, caught my interest. One simple question. A one sentence question. But the question had quite a big impact on me, I have to say.

"Why are you a Muslim?"

Simple as that.

But, if that question was directed to me by my non muslims friends, I would be left in awe. I would have not known how to answer that question.

After that question was delivered, I questioned myself. Why am I a Muslim?

I am a Muslim because I am born and brought up as a Muslim.

Now, if I were to give that as an answer, I would not blame the non muslims for not being convinced. Even I myself am not satisfied with my own answer.

Why am I a Muslim?

I do believe in Allah, please by all means, do NOT get me wrong. I am thankful to Allah for giving me this nikmah of Islam. A nikmah that is not given to everyone. I do not want to take this nikmah for granted, which I am afraid that I might have. I am afraid that there are times in the past 23 years that I have lived where I have taken it for granted. I have breathe in His air, walked on His ground, using the legs that He gives me. And yet, I have sinned.

Just because we are born as Muslims, we tend not to learn much about it. Just because we are born as Muslims, we do not appreciate it as much as the newly reverts.

It is a shame, ain't it. It is like receiving a key to an extraordinarily beautiful castle, but only to leave it in the desk, collecting dust.

Just some thing to ponder upon.

don't make me hate you

I hate people who loves to judge others blindly. Benci. If you make judgement on others, that means that you are no better than the person that you are judging. Please, who are we to judge? If you think you have the right to judge because you are a better off person than the person that you are judging, then think again. You are dead wrong. Oh please, save me from the crap, saying that "No, of course I don't think i am a better person than (s)he is." You do think you are. If not consciously, then, subconsciously. That's why you judge. Plain fact.

Snow Snow Snowwww

The fact that it snowed yesterday did not surprised me. In fact, it was expected to snow yesterday. What surprised me was the fact that it actually snowed the WHOLE day yesterday. And i seriously mean, the whole day. Like 24/7 whole day. Haha. Ok. Jakun. I am. But this never happened before. Well, at least not for the past 4 years I've been here. That's why I am being all hyped and euphoric. Hehe. Pardon me for that as this does not happen so often.

I had quite a bad start yesterday. My dysmenorrhoea striked again. It hurts like mad. The sweaty palm. The throbbing pain. I felt as if my limbs had gone paralysed. It was unpleasant. I was sent off yesterday by my consultant. Instead of having a full day yesterday, I only ended up going to the morning clinic with Dr Vorah. After spending almost half of my day bounded to bed, my housemates headed off to the park to play snow. Despite the overwhelming desire to join the fun, I had to abstain myself. My consultant gave me a day off, and I just felt really guilty if I actually go and out and play instead when i should be in the clinic, assisting him with his patients til 5 o'clock. Hence, I decided to stay in bed.

I managed to surpress that crazy urge to go and jump in the piles of white snow til 6-ish. Later right after dinner, I could not take it anymore. I just HAVE to go out and play!!! Hahahha. So, I dragged my other housemates and Muni whom willingly joined me to play. We just played at our house backyard, but it was oh-so-much-fun! I was on top of the moon. My spirit just seemed to lift. I felt high. Hahahha. I don't know why people do drugs. Playing snow seems to work for me. Hahhaha.

And this morning, I am supposed to head off to NGH for tutorial at 9. My mate texted me, saying that it was still not confirmed if our tutor is going to make it to the tutorial today as her car is stranded in the snow. Secretly, I prayed that it will be cancelled. Hahaha. Bad, i know. I am.

Anyway, despite praying fervently, hoping that the tutorial will be cancelled, I braved myself to Hallamshire Hospital to wait for the shuttle bus to get to NGH. My oh my. The journey to Hallamshire is one hell of a journey. I almost tripped like a thousand times. The journey which normally took 10 minutes doubled due to the slippery road! Walking uphill does not helps either!

By the time I got to the bus stop, I met a few of my mates. To my disgust, apparently the shuttle bus is not running today due to the snow. OMG. How irritating. I almost injured myself, for nothing! Oh well, even though we were a bit annoyed that we had put our lives at risk by walking to medical school for nothing, but we were happy that the tutorial was cancelled. We have a day off. Yayyyyyy. hehehhe.

The trip back home is even worse than the trip going to med school. Instead of walking uphill, now, I had to walk downhill instead! Arghhh. The thought of it scares me. When I looked at the slopy hill, my spine shivers. Huhu. Am I going to survive this without falling onto my back and cracking my head on the slippery ice? That is not a pretty image.

There's no other way. I had to go down the hill. The other options imposed just as much risk. So, I literally walked like a penguin. Slowly. With extra care. Yet, I managed to slip like a thousand times. I clunged onto whatever I can grab all the way down. Even twigs helped! Hehhe. I was holding my breath all the way. I laughed to myself everytime I almost slipped. A lot of people walked pass me. With NO problem at all!! Wonder how they managed to do that. I am struggling here!!

Alhamdulillah, I did managed to get back home safely. I felt so tired, as if I had just went of skiing. Hehhe. I blame the boots that I'm wearing. hahahha. Oh well. Finally I am home. The only place where I feel safe now. Hehhe.