exams over..

i had just finished my phase 3a exams just now.

the last exam was OSCE. and that OSCE was quite tough i have to say. going for the counselling station is nerve-wrecking enough. the static questions, which were just SO damn random, just make it worse! It was nothing like the past years at all. All of counselling on cystic fibrosis, down's syndrome, contraception and god knows how long the list could go on for was surprisingly not even tested. NONE.

to make things short, i did not leave the hall with a smile on my face. Oh maybe i did. a half smile, perhaps. I was a tiny bit happy because the exam was over. Finally! But the thought of the horrible OSCE kept bugging my head, hindering me from enjoying the freedom that i had just received. After months struggling and cramming myself, I should be devouring this moment. But NO, i did not.

In fact, i went straight to meadowhall with my friend after the exam. We thought retail therapy could help. But heck no. For the first time, retail therapy fails me. I did not feel like shopping at all. All of the clothes look bleak to me. My lust for shopping has just been stomped by the thought of the OSCE that just kept clinging in my head.

The idea of failing this exam repells me. I can't bear the thought of having to go through the exams again. I can't afford to resit the whole year again. Oh NO. I dread that thought.

one of my coursemates rang me just now. she thinks she might fail the exam. she sounded like she was about to break into tears. Huhu. And from the facial expressions of my other collegues right after the exam also indicate that i am not alone in this. Other people do find it hard to. Which, honestly, as bad as it sounds, relieves me a bit. I also heard one student had a breakdown in the middle of the exam and had to leave the hall. Yes. Thats just how horrible it is. Huhu.

I know that dreading about the exam will not change anything. Whats done is done. I have tried my very best for this exam, although i do feel like i could have done better. And now all i have left is Allah to turn to...

Oh please ya Allah, I need your help..

'Love' triangle

I feel like i am stuck in a love triangle. A so-called 'love' triangle, made up of me, W and S. Three individuals who used to be very close to each other. Somehow, a tragedy (if i may call it that) happened, putting W & S's relationship at stake. And now, things are just not how it used to be. Things are just different. I can feel the tense between them when they are around. And I am stuck in between.

W wants me to study with her. Which i agreed to. And a couple of days later, S asked me if i want to do revision with her, which i agreed as well. And now, both of them wants to do study group at the same time, everyday. Now i am seriously stuck in between. S will be furious if she knows W did not invite S to W's study group. And I am afraid W will just be upset if I say I chose to study with S today, instead of with W.

Hence, I am seriously stuck in between. Talked to Johan bout this, and he just laughed his head off. When i think about it again, it actually IS funny. It really does sounds as if i am having an affair! Huhu. I am cheating on my studymate. How geeky is that, huh? hehe.

Now, i am currently studying with W in the morning, around 10 - 3. Then i will normally have a revision class around 7 - 8 or 9. Then later in the evening, i will have to do revision with S. And i am just simply drained. This HAS to stop. This 'love' triangle must come to an end. But to think of it, if i hold on to it, there is only a few more days left anyway. But for how much longer i can stand this, i myself am not sure.

He told me i have to choose. But i don't want to. I can have both of them, but i am the one who is going to suffer in the end. I know that. Unwise decision? Maybe..

Who said 'polygamy' is fun? It is no fun at all for me! Hehehe

exams. bwekkkk.

my 4th year finals is in 2 weeks. my head is spinning. my heart is racing like mad. my stomach is churning. my throat is suffocating.. from fear.

i hate exams. i never liked it. of course, i doubt any normal human being actually LIKE exams though. huhu.

stressed, i am. i felt a tiny bit better after the study group last week. but, after doing the trial EMQ paper yesterday, i felt like i had just plunged into a blackhole. i felt as if i don't know what i know. i don't know if i know enough. urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. tensed!

so bear with me as i may get extremely irritable and snappy for the rest 2-3 weeks. sorry.

Permudahkanlah Ya Allah...... i really really want to pass this exam. T_T

Getting OLDer

My ex-roomie in KMB is getting married this december. She has just announced the date of her wedding day, and urgh, as expected, i am not going to be able to attend to her wedding as i will be here in winter. huhu. Another bestfriend's wedding missed. I can't believe she is getting married. Oh well, maybe not THAT surprised coz she did tell me earlier that she is getting married this december. But, she is a year younger than me! Argh. And she is getting married first. BEFORE ME! Heheheh. Kidding. Still remember the moments we spent back when we were in KMB, in room 131 (? i can't remember if that is the right number to be frank. but it does sounds quite right. heheh). Anyway, congrats darling. You are going to be a perfect bride, wife and mom insyaAllah. I love u to d bits, bebeh.

Apart from that, last Thursday, my friends had just went for their very first job interview. JOB interview ok. We are no longer attending for scholarship interview, or university entry interview. But it is JOB interview that we go to now. Gosh, that just sounds SO serious. and so OLD! I feel so proud of my friends. I feel as if they are growing up! hahah. Now, i sound like a mother. But, i do feel that way for them.

As I watched them preparing for the interview the night before, my heart flickered. We are getting older. We are heading to an entirely new world, in a few months time (for them, that is. Mine is still in another 1 year and a half. huhu). A whole new responsibility is awaiting for us. A whole new environment. A whole new life.

And now, they are only a few months apart from that imaginary line which separates them for the 'different' world. And i hope, they will all pass that line without much trouble. And I hope they will be fine over the 'other' line.

Hope to join you guys at the other line in few years time insyaAllah? InsyaAllah. See you there.

till death do us apart

Till death do us apart.

The famous phrase which is stated again and again in a marriage vow. Yet, how many of us actually stick to it?

Marriage is not an easy thing. It surely does sounds like fun, hehe, but the responsibilities that comes together with it is certainly not something that can simply be dissmissed.

My experience of being in placements in various departments made me aware of this. I have seen how a wife stood by her husband, who was badly disfigured due to parotid malignancy. I, myself, to be honest, was completely caught off guard when I first saw this man. His face was badly disfigured that he appeared almost less human. A 2 year old might cry if (s)he catch a glimpse of this poor man. Yes, it was that bad. But, amazingly, despite all of that, his wife was by his side all the time. Her smile never left her face. I can just sense her love to her husband when i watched her taking care of him. She must have loved him so. She really did stick to him til the very end. That poor man passed away 2 days after i met him..

I have also seen how a husband stood by his wife. His wife has bipolar affective disorder and hence her mood is very unpredictable. At one time, she will be on top of the world, and at other times her mood will be as low as if she had dropped into a blackhole. When she was low, she will be wailing and crying and will be having the nasty flashbacks of all of the horrible things that had been happening to her. She hates doctors and refuse to trust anyone. She takes every small things seriously. She was just a difficult patient to manage. I have been with them for the past 5 weeks, and i can see how her husband is trying to cope with her wife. He cried for her, wanting only the very best for her, which is something that she failed to see. Obviously because she has poor insight about her condition. They had a 'drama' yesterday during the ward rounds, and she insisted on leaving without her treatment. Her husband tried to persuade her to stay, but failed. I was afraid that he might burst his temper and force her to stay, but amazingly, he did nothing like that. He was so calm and tried to convince her again that she needs treatment, but to no avail. In the end, he left the consultation room, crying..

So now i see how marriage is a serious thing. You've made a vow to be with your wedded husband (or wife) till death comes. For better or worse.

p/s: i am unwell and was told to relax hence here i am, blogging. heheh.

pencuri jahat

I was busy empiring the netball practice yesterday. Out of the blue, i suddenly had this urge to check my mobile. Azian rang me three times. I wondered what's going on.

Then, i noticed that I've got a text from her as well. I opened it, and my jaw dropped to the floor when my eyes read the text sent to me.

"Akak, rumah kita masuk pencuri. Laptop Kak Elly kene curi"

Flabbergasted, I don't know whatelse to do but to shout out Emy's name as loud as possible.

"Emy, rumah kita kene masuk pencuri!"

That's all that i managed to say.

Shocked, both of us ran towards home without thinking much.

Yes. Our house was broken into yesterday. By two annoyingly heartless human being.

These men are crazy, i tell you. Too brave, thats why i call them crazy.

First thing first. It was only 20 minutes before 7 when they broke into our house. It was dark, but to be fair, the office next door was still open at that time. My housemate's bedroom , which was where they broken into, was in the first floor. That means they had to get on the big bin which was conveniently located near the pipe which they clung to, that led them to her bedroom. (You see, watching CSI does helps!) The light in her room was on. And, her room was at the FRONT side of the house. Yet, these did not stopped them from breaking in. Crazy, aren't they?

They only managed to nick one laptop and an ipod and an external hard disk. It is a huge relief that no one was hurt in this incident. But still, the thought of these people being in our house, messing with our things, when 3 of the other members of the house were having meal in the kitchen just gave me goosebumps.

BENCI. That's all i can say. I just hate this insecure feeling. After that incident, i don't know how many times i checked if my window and door is locked before going to bed. Even after locking them, i was still afraid to go to bed. i HATE them for doing this to me and my housemates..
Hopefully my housemate whose laptop was stolen will be strong in facing this tribulation. Everything happens for a reason. InsyaAllah, there is a hikmah behind this..Be strong, my love.

the pencuri: i hate you. period.

Mood

Mood are contagious, aren't they? Huhu. I suppose if you are talking to someone who is in an elated mood, your mood somehow will be lifted as well. And if you are talking to a person who is crying, interestingly, you will find your eyes welling up with tears as well.



This is a problem that i have to face with this Psychiatry placement. Too much emotion is involved. Everyday, people will come up to you, crying their eyeballs off. Each and everyone of them will have a different story to tell. Different but similar in some manner. And ALL of the stories are tear jerkers. It is just impossible not to cry. And to make it worse, they cry in front of me. Which is something that i can't stand. Somehow, i think my motto in life is 'If you cry, I will cry'. Huhuhu.



Just listening to their heartbreaking stories just shudders me. Just thinking about how much of the burden these people has got to carry on their shoulder just breaks my heart. I know. We aren't supposed to be emotionally attached to patients. We have to be professional as medical professionals. I am sorry. That I don't think I could manage. I am sorry for being a human being, who just can't resist to feel what other people is feeling.



What makes it worse is when some of the patients are just too depressed to speak. They are the ones that will walk into the clinic with a solemn look on the face. Their eyebrows looked as if they are 'knitted'. They stooped as if they have the problems of the whole world weighing them down. Their eyes are locked to the ground. Without even blurting a word, they will just break down and cry. These people are the ones that wreck my heart the most.



I feel like holding their hands, hugging them, telling them that everything is going to be ok. But no, for them life is no longer worth living. It is worthless. They themselves feel worthless. They could not even bother less to live another day. To live a life that no longer has any meaning to them anymore.



It just hurts me when this one patient burst in front of me, begging me to cure her. "Please doctor. Do something. Make me better. I don't want to live anymore." Those are her words, which are still playing in my head over and over again. I was dumbfounded. There is nothing much that i can do but to offer her some word of comfort. I feel helpless.



I love this placement. I guess it makes me appreciate life better. I wonder if i might be a psychiatrist in future? Hehe. Who knows..

Leaving me on a jet plane

An unknown number rang my mobile this afternoon. Wondering who it was, i picked it up with a nonchalant voice (i was cramming my head for exams at that time. I was not in the mood to talk, really). Then, a sweet girly voice who introduce herself as Sarah spoke over the other side of the line. In the 'mamai' mood, i answered 'Oh Sarah'. As if i know who it was when in fact i had no idea which Sarah i was talking to. When she said "Akak Aliaa, kami nak balik dah esok ni". That was when it hit me. Oooh Maisarah! My adik angkat! Ohgosh, did she just say that she is going to leave tomorrow?

Huhu. Yes. She is. In fact, her whole family is. My foster family. Who has been kind enough to accept me into their family for the whole 3 years and so. And now, they are leaving me. Tomorrow. In a matter of 2 days, they will be safe and sound in Malaysia. Thousand miles apart. Haish.

Alia, Abg Kamil, Kak Mar, Me, Sarah, Mas

Oh well. Slowly slowly people surrounding me are starting to leave me. I can't even get myself to think what it is going to be like next year. No. I lied. I refused to think what its going to be like. Because i know it is just not going to be the same without these girls in my life : Atie, Dianah, Elly, Emy, Hunt, Jihan, Muni & Zack (nama disusun ikut alphabet untuk mengelakkan salah faham. hahhah)

They are all final years. Yes. That means i am going to be the only senior left next year. Ohgosh, i am going to be like a super senior kot next year. Which makes me feel and sound so old. Which doesn't help.

Ntah. I know there are going to be juniors left. I am not alone. But, somehow, i AM alone. Entah lah. Don't know how to say it. And Emy is sweet enough to make sure that anyone around me not to mention this final year thingy in front of me. Fair enough. Just avoid it as much as i can. Just even hearing bout it hurts me. Whatmore to experience it myself next year.

Oh well, lets just cherish the remaining times that we have then.

Jang & De'e. RINDU!

crazy bout adam

adam + dummy = inseparable!

cute

too cute

urgh. extremely cute kot dua org budak ni!

rindu nak dukung n peluk adam!

L A Z Y !

i'm stressing out. i am being too lazy. too laidback. and my exam is just around the corner. argh!

i am hating myself for allowing this laziness to conquer my fragile self. i am stressed out because i am being too lazy, when being lazy is the last thing that i should be up to with the finals crawling closer and closer by day and i am effing freaking out.

but i know freaking out will not do any good.

nor will babbling on the blog. uhuh. what am i doing?!

ok. get back to work. stop being lazy. someone, motivate me please!!

Neurology placement

my 2 weeks neurology attachment has come to its end. did i enjoy the module? Perhaps i did. Maybe not as much as i enjoyed O&G, but it was not as bad as Paeds i guess.

Ive got to see a lot of interesting patients. Mostly with interesting cases.

The ones that i remember the most is the patient with Myasthenia Gravis (neuromuscular junction disorder. trying to do some revision here. heheh). He was such a sweet guy, that he insisted on carrying a chair for me all the way from hallway to his bay. Mind you, he is 79! But he is one strong fellow. And supposedly, for a guy with Myasthenia Gravis (it is a condition which makes your muscles go weak), he is super duper strong. Heheh. Ah, he is just nice.

I also remember seeing two different patients with Guillain Barre Syndrome (GBS), both presenting differently. One is perfectly pink & healthy, up and about. And the other was lying helplessly on the bed, with tubes and wires running all over her body. They were both at the opposite end of the extreme spectrum of the disease. It was just scary how it varies.

And the other patient who can't speak. I was just loitering around in the ward one day, decided to do something useful instead of just standing at a corner and not do anything. So, i randomly went to a patient and introduced myself to him and asked if he mind me taking history from him for a while. He nodded, hence, i proceed with my usual routine. I first introduced myself, and later i asked him what his name was. He shook his head, and started to do some movements with his hands. That was when it striked me; he could not talk. I was stuck. Unsure what to do. It would be inappropriate for me to just say "oh its ok. i'll just go and fine another patient who can talk"

So i decided to stay and proceed with what i have started. I have never been taught how to talk to patients who can't talk. So, that was quite a challenge for me. I found myself talking at a higher note and doing sign languages, which i later realized was inappropriate. He could perfectly hear me and understand clearly what i said. He just couldn't talk. But i kept talking to him as if i am talking to a deaf person. Huhu. I did managed to change the way i talked to him later on. Hope he was not offended. Oh, we communicate using an alphabet chart by the way. That session took longer than normal since he had to spell everything out for me. Haish. Bless him for being so patience.

My oncall experience was also lovely. Get to clerk a patient, who was clueless about why he was there at the first place. Just imagine the trouble i had to go through when i had to present that case to the SHO. haha. But it did turn out all right, though.

And now, tomorrows my last day. Had weekends off and then i am off to chesterfield for my Psychiatry placement. Quite looking forward to it, i hafto say. It just sounds very interesting. hehe.

nak mainnnnnnnnnnn T_T

saya nak main netball.

tapi nampak gayanya, macam dah takde harapan je untuk nak tubuhkan team netball yang baru.

argh geram nye kot! tak cukup oranggg.

kak titie, kak syidot, kak ind, kenapa perlu pulang? huhuhu

netball is the only form of exercise that i enjoy the most. and now, i might not be playing anymore.

habis la. i am SO going to be fat & unfit.

ok dah. back to revision. sekadar meluahkan kegeraman perasaan. huhu

Selamat Hari Raya!

Finally, we managed to snap a proper raya picture for this raya! Huhu. It is already the 5th day of Eid, but only then we managed to celebrate Eid together. Oh well, better than not celebrating at all, I guess. Eza and Izyan came over on Friday. Had a heck lot of fun and now i am coming down with a flu. huhu. Shopping and eating. That's we did. Haha

The 3 Romlis in front of my so-called White House. Hahah.

Being crazy in Weston Park before heading to Crookes for open house.

Come again, darls. Oh, next stop by request will be Manch, won't it? Hehehhe. MAKAAANNNN!

Sorry mama...

I am the most horrible daughter a mom could ever have. i've forgotten my mother's birthday.

and to make things worst, i actually rang papa's mobile on dat day (her birthday is on the first day of raya in Malaysia) and got to talk to her on the phone for quite a while. And i did not wish her. I asked her what is she eating for raya breakfast, asked her what is the colour of her baju raya this year and ask her about all of the other bits and bobs, but i did NOT wish her for her birthday! OHMIGOD.

Can someone, please, just shoot me in the head. I feel so damn guilty right now.

If i were to be in her shoes, i certainly would be devastated. To have 3 of your daughters leaving you for overseas is one thing. To have your other 2 daughters going back for raya at their in laws is another thing. And to know that your daughters forget your birthday is another. That is too much. If i were her, i know, i can't take it.

Mama, sorry sangat! I know she's not reading this post. I just need to let it out. I am so going to send her a boquet of flowers and pressie all the way from UK. Sorry mama. Sorry sangat. I love you yg teramat. huhuhu.

the so-called actor/actress

A doctor is a one hell of an actor.

This is what i've learnt from one of the teaching lessons during my neuro clinical placement. And believe me, that is so true.

Well, obviously I am not a doctor, yet. So, I will be talking from the medical student point of view. At least from my experience of being a medical student up til now.

Either we realize it or not, we act a lot.

We act as if we are confident, when the hard fact is that we are not. We are always thrown into the spotlight to do things that we are not good at doing yet, but still we pretend as if we have been doing it eversince we are born. "Go and do her bloods" or "You handle the clinic today and present the cases to me after seing each patient" or "Scrub in and help her with the stitches" or the worst case scenario that has ever happened to me is "Assist him for the pleural aspiration" (which is something that i have not been taught about yet. huhu)

The list is endless. But still, despite the desire to shake our head vigorously and say no and run, we found ourselves nodding and heading towards our 'task'. Step by step, we found our feet making its way towards the patient. Only God knows how fast our heart is beating at that time. How our stomachs are filled with angry butterflies, munching their way through our gut wall. But still, we managed to put on an act. And that act, somehow, managed to get us through it.

We act as if we don't care what others say about us, when in reality, our heart is grind to pieces by them. If we always took whatever these 'nasty' consultants or senior doctors say to us by heart, believe me, we would be squashed and crushed and torn apart. And that will make it even more difficult to bounce back. I learnt to put a wall of brick in my heart. I was once crushed by a consultant, and almost shattered into pieces. I almost lost my confidence. He almost make me hate doing Medicine. That was until i learn to take his seriously harsh critiscm as a challenge to myself. That, seriously, changed everything. I pretend as if he said that because he wants to see me become a great doctor. Even though i doubt that is the case, but i still pretend that was his intention. huhu.

All in all, we are no greater than others. We are merely just actors. Pretending to know something that we have no idea about. And pretending to be good in something that we are clueless about. But, this pretention, later on, helps us to have the good qualities that a doctor should have one day, insyaAllah. That, i believe.

comot!

ohmigosh. why is the alignment of my post looks sooo damn horrible. for a girl who hates imperfection, this is way too much. it just looks untidy. ive tried to edit the posts a number of times, but still, it looks yucky! huhu. sorry. i did not mean to make the posts look like that. blame the technology! hehe

4th year?

I'm in my 4th year? Sheesh. Can't believe it. Amazing how time flies!

I just only realized it when i was talking to a new postgraduate whom had just arrived sheffield yesterday. I was telling her bout my experience when i first land my foot on English soil.

"Saya masa mula2 dtg sini, sejuuk gile! Masa saya datang ... (my brain was trying to do some maths. trying to figure out the exact number of years it has been since i first came to UK) .. dah 4 tahun yg lepas" I said.

Oh gosh. That sounds aaaaaaaaages ago. 4 years? The PG looked surprised herself. Hehe.

"Uish dah lama kat sini?" She said.

Yes. Definitely. Sangat dah lama.

Surprise surprise, how time flew by.

My first year in Sheffield. Well, it was not exactly my best year. To be fair, I was exposed to a new place, a new culture, new people, oh gosh, everything is foreign to be exact! Then, I was still in the phase where i can't believe i am the only Malay in my course. Knowing that there are only 4 other Malaysians doesn't actually lift my mood. I was down. Intimidated. Inferiored by others. Wondering how on earth did i ended up in Sheffield all by myself. I did not even make that many new Malaysian friends for the first few months. I sticked to De'e n Jang (as they were from KMB) like a belangkas. Hehe. The other girls from KMS seems to be comfortable with their own circle of friends. And hence, the loneliness. Hehehehe =P

To reminisce about the number of times i felt weak inside. The number of times i felt like i don't belong. The number of times i felt like i can't do medicine. The number of times i cried. The number of times i felt like packing my stuffs and just leave. Oh gosh, I was certainly not in my very best condition at that time. But, somehow, alhamdulillah, miraculously, I managed.

I am fine. I can do this. If others can do this, so can you. That was what i keep reminding myself. I have to support myself. I have my own back. And I know that Allah is with me. I guess thats when i truly know what it feels like to hold on to nothing but Him. And yes, He helped me through. All the way through. And I am glad for it.

My second year. This was my turning point, i guess. I was the General Secretary of SMSA (Sheffield Malaysian Student Association), and that post helped me bloom a lot. It changed me. From a fragile person, i transformed to a stronger individual. From an inferior girl, I became a more confident person. This is when i learnt that life is not all about studying. I got to know more people. Slowly slowly, I got to create a stronger bond with the other students, especially those in the committee. I enjoyed what i was doing. Even though, we had to attend meetings everyweek, we seemed to enjoy it. We sometimes looked forward for Wednesday, because that was the day when we all get to meet. Haha. Crazy, weren't we?

It had been a hectic year, no doubt about that. The endless meetings that we had to go to, the endless hours having to crack our brain trying to figure out the best plan for the endless number of events that we had to organize for the members, the sacrifice that we had to make to make sandwich spread or grilling BBQ chicken til late night just so that the members can have their stomach filled during the events, and so on and so forth. It was just crazy. But i loved it.

My third year. This is when my life just started to get even more interesting. I have just started my clinical years. And that was super duper freaking amazing. I loved it. And i still do. Despite the fact that I was thrown all over the place (outside of Sheffield) for my placement, I still enjoy it. To be in a hospital ground is just exhilirating. I feel like a doctor already. hehehe. But a doctor with insufficient knowledge and skill, that is! Hehe. My housemates are just so lovely. I love knowing that every week when i got back home after being away for placement, i will be going back home to a lovely bunch of people. They crack me up, all the time. Laugh is certainly what we do best. Oh, and talk too, of course. We spend hours at dining table during dinner, doing talking most of the time. Hehehe. Not that i did not enjoy living with my previous housemates. But, i dunno, they are just somethingelse. Hehe.

And now, I am in my fourth year. Struggling to force myself to study for my finals this Dec. Huhu. I need to pass this exam. I have to. So please Ya Allah, please help your weak and fragile servant...

tangible feeling

my feelings are all jumbled up today. i feel as if i have been riding an emotional rollercoaster ride.

to start with, i woke up this morning, on my laptop, visited my facebook for a quick peek and noticed Elly's link on her status. Hmm, i clicked on it and tadaaa. there it was. my face. Along with Ain, Emy and Elly of course, posing around the University of Sheffield stand post, in snow. Hahaha. Oh gosh. I can't believe my face was actually printed in newspaper. Hehe. Oh well, the article was not about me obviously, but the fact that my face is there, no matter how small, just gave me a jolt of excitement! Hehe. Pardon me, but my face don't come up in news paper that often, so allow me a few minutes to bask in the so-called glory. Hehe.

Anyway, that was not why I am happy in the morning.

I just heard from my cousin that my lil sister has finally confirmed her date to fly to Manchester. She is coming this Sunday, yay! I was happy for a few second. Until, my mind suddenly focused on my mom. Huhu. I really hope she will be ok. Just imagine, I am here in Sheffield. And now, my lil sister is coming to Manch. And later, insyaAllah, my elder sister is coming to Leeds for her Masters. And then two of my elder sisters might be moving out to their new home. And my other lil sister has went off to university. That leaves her with papa and my lil brother. Oh gosh. From a house packed with 9 noisy people (and that does not include extremely noisy aqef and adam!) suddenly left with only 3 not so noisy people? Huhu. Don't know why, but just thinking about it makes me sad..

And later in the afternoon, right after i had got back from attachment, i received a devastating news. A news that shocked me, and made me go pale. I could not believe my eyes when i read the text that Kak Lida wrote to me. My previous landlord has just passed away. Innalillah..Seriously, man, I was totally stunned by the news. I know, you must have think that he is just my landlord. But, no, he is actually not just my landlord. He has been my landlord for the whole 3 years! And, urgh, well, lets just say we did not have a smooth ending. We had some sort of a misunderstanding, and shamefully, I had been talking bad about him behind his back.

And now, the news about his death just shuddered me. I have sinned so much to him. Oh why, mouth, why can't you just shut up! Why do I need to say nasty things bout others? I should have bite my tongue. I hate myself for this. I feel so damn guilty..And now i promised myself NOT to backbite, again. to anyone. not even animals. No one. Just shut up, mouth. Shut up.

And tonight, as i am writing this blog, my heart has gone tachycardic. I have a presentation to do tomorrow and I am totally freaking out. Ya Allah, make things easy for me as only You are the one who can make difficult things easy...

All sorts of feelings. All in one day. I guess this is what you call human.

Malaysia oh Malaysia

oh gosh, it has been a while since i last updated this blog. and now, my hand is itching to scribble! hehe.

well, i had just returned from my 8 weeks summer holiday in Malaysia. Splendid, it was. Amazing how being close to your loved ones just makes you feel different inside. Hehe.

Hmm, anyway, I did a 3 weeks clinical attachment at Hospital Serdang for my Option SSC. Thanks to my dad who had to go through a whole lot of trouble for me. Huhu. I was the one who was at wrong as I handled things last minute. I almost had to stay in Sheffield to do my Option. Argh. But, of course, my saviour came to rescue. Aigo. Ok, i have promised myself not to do the same thing again for my elective next year, insyaAllah. Hehe. Sorry papa. Luv you lots though. Hehe

Thanx to Papa, I got to do A&E placement in Hospital Serdang. I know, it was quite far off from Subang. But, that was what I got, and I did not complain. Since I can't drive (have no guts to drive, actually. huhu), so I had to get a lift to Serdang every day. Thank you Uncle.

First day of placement. Alhamdulillah, was very relieved to find my friend doing her placement in the same department as well. Happy happy. Later, after the meeting, we were shown around by Dr Nizam. Only then, I realized, I was the only one not wearing a white coat. Oh damn. Is it a policy for the students to wear one on wards? I was panicking cause i don't have one with me. It is left in my wardrobe in sheffield. Oh great. that does not help. at all. Seriously, I felt naked at that time. Literally, that is. Huhu.

Later on, after the tour, i asked one of the doctors if they have an extra white coat. And alhamdulillah, the hospitals do offer white coat for rent! Immediately, I ran off to that place and got myself a white coat. Interesting how comfortable and relieved i felt after wearing the white coat. Haha.

To make things short, my first week was a bit boring. There was nothing much to do really. It was the second week where things only started to become interesting. I braved myself to do cannulation, and managed to successfully do one by myself after 2 initial failed attempts. Since then, I have been having this kind of 'crave' ,if i may call it that, haha, to cannulate people. Yea, crazy aren't i? When a new patient came in, I will be the first one running to the patient, hoping the patient needs to be cannulated. Hahaha. Or at least to take blood. Or even ABG. I guess i enjoy poking needles in others' veins. Hahaha.

The best experience that i gained during this placement is when i got to assist a doctor to do pleural aspiration on a MVA patient. That was supermarvellous! Now, that was one awesome hands on experience! The adrenaline rush. The pressure. The stress of having to do things right. Plus the eye of the head of department which was watching me like a hawk when i was assisting Dr Jeth for that procedure. Gosh. I loved it.

And to take histories from Malaysian patients was a completely different experience. I realized how I changed the way i speak from one patient to another. Interesting. The use of '-lah' and 'its like that wan' in an english speaking conversation miraculously emerged after being burried for quite some time. Hehe. And mind you, i had accidently said '-lah' with my English friends when i was talking to them recently. Hehe.

Oh well, i really enjoyed my placement in Malaysia. Everything is just so different. And i can't wait to actually work in Malaysia. I think my mind is made up. I am going home after i graduate insyaAllah. Just pray that i will pass this phase 3a exam first though! heheh.

Till then, wassalam =)

2nd episode of Paris trip (beware: EXTRA LONG!)

As promised. The second episode of my Paris trip.

24 June 2008 (day 2)

We woke up around 730 ish am. All fresh and bright. Almost 100% recovered from yesterday's trauma. Huhu. We were all geared up and excited. Disneyland is waiting for us! Yay!! Hehe. I hopped off my bed, rushed to the shower. The thought of Disneyland just brings a smile to our face. Haha. (I know, I am 23. But hey, there's always a kid in each and everyone of us. No matter how old we are!) Silently, I prayed that today, things will turn out better than it was yesterday.

However, surprise surprise, it seems like my prayer was not granted.

Ok, lets start from the very beginning.

We were busy packing our stuffs, while munching on the croissants that i had brought from tesco before we flew to Paris. We were in our la la land, probably already imagining ourselves having fun in Disnyeland, until Munirah asked me a question. A question that killed the excitement. A question that abruptly changed our mood. My mood in particular.

"Akak, tiket Disneyland ada?" She asked.

I stopped whatever I was doing at that time and stared at her. Blur.

"Eh, bukan ada ngan awak ke?" I answered.

"Eh mana ada. Saya ada tiket saya je. Kan saya dah email kat akak tiket akak. Akak dah print kan?"

I was dumbfounded. Argh. I did not have my Disneyland ticket with me! (We printed our tickets in IC a day before flying off to Paris. She had shown me a ticket with Disneyland picture on it, and at that time, I thought she had printed off the tickets for both of us. I absolutely had no idea that we had to individually print off our tickets!)

Munirah felt extremely guilty and I myself felt guilty for making her feel guilty! Huhu. It was my fault, not hers. So, to make her feel less guilty, I put on a smiling face and said "Its ok. We try and find a place to print the ticket. Mesti ada cafe internet kat sini. Kalau takde, akak beli je la tiket baru"

I was determined to buy myself a new ticket. I am already in Paris. Heck. It will be a loss not to go to Disneyland! I did not mind raking out another 50 euro for the tickets.

So we headed out of the hotel, trying to find any internet cafes. There were actually quite a number, BUT, it was only 830 then, and NONE of them were open. Huhu. We walked quite far off from our hotel, but to no avail. Hence, I decided that I will just buy myself a new ticket. So, we tried to get ourselves to the metro station, only to find ourselves lost (again!). As usual, we thickened our face and asked help from the locals. And alhamdulillah, we managed to find our way.

As soon as we arrived Disneyland, smiles were plastered to our face. It was an automatic reflex, I guess. Haha. We snapped some pictures and headed off to the ticketing booth. My jaw dropped to the floor when my eyes saw the price for entrance ticket. It was almost double from the price that i had paid for the ticket when i bought it online! Crazy! I was seriously in dilemma then. Thinking if it was worth it to spend that much money just to see Mickey Mouse and friends. huhu. But, I was not going to let Munirah down, so I headed off the counter with her and asked for the price confirmation. I explained to the lady that i forgot to print my ticket. And alhamdulillah, she told us that they provide printing facilities! Yayyyyyyyy. Happy i was. Seriously. Hahaha. We printed off my ticket and happily went into Disneyland. Hehe.

We snapped and snapped and snapped. We even bought ourselves a Minnie Mouse ears. Hahaha. We wore them, pretending to be cute! Hahaha. It was fabulous. But, that was not for long. Huhu. We were happily taking pictures after pictures after pictures, when suddenly, the camera just stopped working!!!! Huuuuuurgh. For whatever reason, it just refused to work even after turning it on and off for the umpteenth time. Devastated, not knowing what to do. We had to roamed and called a few of our friends back in Sheffield for help but to no avail. Lastly, we decided to take the suggestion from Mr Jo. We bought ourselves 2 disposable cameras! Huhuhu. Sad huh?

We refused to let that ruin our mood. We thickened our face and snap and pose and snap. Hah. We could not care less what others think of our manual disposable camera. Haha. We want our memories in Paris to be captured in pictures. So be it if our camera is not as superb as the others. Hahaha.

We spent a splendid 6 hours in Disney and we were damn knackered! Hot, sweating, sticky with unpleasant odour! Huhuhu. We stank. Hahahha. But it was worth it. Hahaha.

Later that evening, we decided to go to Eiffel Tower. We know it looks more gorgeous at night, and seriously, it does! We waited for almost an hour to get up. It was well worth the wait. We climbed up all the way to the first and second stage. And, oh man, was I exhausted! I was panting, and sweating like mad. I felt like i've just ran a marathon! Huhu. But, it was all worth it. The view was superfabulous. Frustrated though as we were not able to capture our memory at Eiffel in pictures. Oh well, the memory will always be engraved in my heart. Hahaha.

Anyway, by the time our feet touch solid ground again, it was almost 1030 pm. We decided to hang around at the park across the Eiffel tower, just so that we would be able to get a nice view of the tower from far. The park was packed with people, lying around on the grass. We joined the crowd for 30 minutes or so and then decide to leave around 11 pm.

We get on the metro to St Ouen metro station and arrived there around 1230 am. We walked to the exit, simply taking our time. When we reach the exit, I could feel my whole body froze. I could not believe what I have just saw. Oh no way. You have GOT to be kidding me. This CAN'T be happening!

We found ourselves LOCKED inside the metro station.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh. Seriously, I panicked and almost cried! Panic, we walked towards the other exit, only to find the exit to be closed as well. Oh gosh. We were actually trapped inside the metro. For god sake, sleeping at the metro was not on my things-to-do-in-Paris list! Huhu. Frantic, we rang some random bell, and alhamdulillah, an angry faced security guard came to the rescue. We explained what happened and he let us out of the building with an irritated look on his face. Huh.

Our story did not end there.

We somehow managed to get lost again. And this time, we were REALLY lost! We walked around in circles, completely clueless of our whereabouts. We asked a passerby, followed his direction, and half way tru, we get lost again. And again and again and again. Can you imagine, it was almost 2 am, and we found ourselves walking in the middle of the street of Paris. Unsure of where to go! All I could think about at that time was Why. There has got to be a reason for this to happen. I took it as a punishment from Him. Huhu.

I was so stressed out that i refused to talk. Poor Munirah. Sorry girl. I was so stressed at that time because as your senior, I held the responsibility of looking after you! She kept talking, probably trying to ease the tension. But I kept walked in silence. Huhu. Seriously, I was scared.

We somehow ended up finding our way to the Hotel around 2.30 am. Crazy! Tell me about it. Huhu.

Paris (1st episode. hehe)

I am supposed to be doing my clinical case presentation for Monday, but I am running out of ideas. Hence decided to give my blog a visit. It has been ages since I last updated my blog! Sheesh. I guess I have been s00000 busy for the past few weeks, that I completely did not have the time to scribble a thing or two in my blog. huhu. And now I plan to put aside my presentation for a while and write about my incredibly and ridiculously unforgettable yet fun trip to Paris.

Me and Munirah went to Paris for three days on the start of our summer holiday. Well, little did we know that we were about to embark on an 'amazing' journey! A journey that was filled with so many ridiculous and unexpected incidents. Too many absurd incidents that it is just almost impossible to forget.

Well, lets start with day 1.

23 June 2008
I had a doctor's appointment earlier that morning. My blood results were fabulous. I was happy! Headed straight to the train station as I had promised to meet Munirah there at around 1 pm. Went to the designated platform, Munirah arrived just a few minutes after I arrived. Our train arrives around 130. The train was packed! We had to sit on our handluggage in the corridor near the toilet as all of the seats were taken. Thankfully it was only a 30 minutes journey. As we arrived Derby, we left the train and waited for the shuttle bus to take us to the East Midlands Airport. The bus arrived a bit later than the scheduled time, but alhamdulillah, we did manage to get to the airport on time. Everything was going smoothly then. I was content. Thinking that alhamdulillah, this is a good start.

I guess everything started when we were in the airport. Alhamdulillah, I had no problem checking in, but that was not the case for Munirah. Apparently, her hand luggage was TOO HUGE to be fitted in the airport cabin! Ridiculous!! The size of her bag was actually smaller than the bag that i always bring for hand luggage, and yet her bag was claimed to be oversize and had to be checked in. And for the bag to be checked in, she has to pay an extra 14 pounds or so! Urgh. That was simply unfair. But, who are we to argue? Huhu. Defeated without a battle, she headed off to the BMI Baby office to pay the fee.

Later, we headed off to the security check area. My liquid stuffs were not placed in a proper transparent bag ( i simply put them in the tesco plastic bags. huhu) since my house ran out of supply. Confident that the airport will provide them for free at the entrance of the security check area, we walked to the security check area. We were about to reach the area when we realized that there were no plastic bags provided! Panicked, we walked out of the line and tried to think of what to do! I was panicking; stretching my neck, frantically trying to see if we had missed it amongst the crowd. My eyes, somehow, managed to caught this vending machine, standing proudly near the entrance of the security check area. I did not know what caught my interest, but something was not quite right with the vending machine. Oh gosh. No wonder. That was a vending machine for the transparent plastic bags! Huhu. It costs me 1.50 pounds for 2 plastic bags. Huhu. Thankfully the bags were good in quality!!

So, after putting my stuffs in the plastic bag, we headed off to the security area and alhamdulillah, no problem there. We went to see the main screen if the boarding gate has been announced, and it was not. Oh well, it was still early then. No problem. We lingered around and bought myself a sandwich and had my lunch. After a while, we checked the screen again, and still the gate number was still not announced. It says "Relax and shop". Ok. Fine. We will relax, but maybe not shop. huhu. Every 10 minutes or so, we checked the screen, and still it said the same thing. It was already nearing 4.30 pm and still no gate number. Our flight was supposed to board at 4.30! We started to get restless. We stood in front of the screen, staring at the screen, as if that will change a thing! We paced around, irritated. Oh come on. If the flight is delayed, just announce that it is delayed. At least our mind will be at ease. It was already past 4.30 and the screen still says "Relax and Shop". Urgh. How annoying.

Later on, we heard a couple saying that the gate number has been announced. All of us rushed to the boarding gate like a flock of bees swarming a field of honey! I think our flight departed about 30 - 40 minutes later than the scheduled time. And that, cost us our plan for the night! Huhu.

We arrived Paris ( can't remember what time) and headed off to the Metro. Happy, we were. Yay. Finally, I am in Paris. Hehe. We got on one Metro and get to Saint Michael Notre Dame station. There we had to change metro to get to St Ouen station (that's where our hotel is). We somehow, brilliantly managed to get on the wrong metro and found ourselves heading towards the opposite direction! After asking a passerby (who was also clueless and had to ask the metro driver for direction!), we managed to get on the right metro and headed off to St Ouen. As we arrived St Ouen, that was when a new problem arises. We had NO idea how to get to Formula 1 Hotel from the station! Huhu. To make things worse, it was almost 1130 pm and it was completely DARK! We asked one of the workers in the metro and he told us the way to get there. And yet, we managed to get lost. Me and my bearings! huhu. Then, we simply walked through the darkness of the night. To be honest, I was scared. To be in a foreign place, where nothing is familiar in the middle of the night. Every time someone walked by, I can feel my heart beating faster. I cling to my rucksack as firm as possible, as if that would protect me from danger. Huhu.

Alhamdulillah, after walking in circles for almost 20 minutes, we later managed to bump into a group of ladies. They walked us off to the hotel. It was almost 12.30 when we were finally there. Crazy. I know! You have no idea how I thank Allah right after we bunked into our room. Our first day was already a disaster! We naively hoped and prayed that tomorrow will be better. My body was aching, my stomach was grumbling. And yet, I managed to sleep through the night like a baby.

Fuh. There's more to tell. I will continue in the next post. huhu. Till then, ciao.

netball maniac, i am.

Sheffield netballers.

i'm crazy about netball. crazy enough to be writing one special post about it in my blog. haha.

i still remember, the first time i learned how to play netball was aaaaaaaages ago! hehe. I was in Standard 5 (11 y/o) back then. It was during our PE. Cikgu Nazri was the man who is responsible for this addiction of mine. I can still vividly remember the first time I tried to shoot the ball trough the net. The ball went into the hoop (yay!! hehe) , but as it got tru the hoop, it 'successfully' hit Cikgu Nazri's head! Owch!! Hehehe. Sorry cikgu. That was not done on purpose. Hehe.

Til then, I started to be obsessed with netball. I joined the primary school's netball team, and remember going to the MSSD tournaments. And then, as I got into high school, without much thought, I registered myself for the netball club. And, alhamdulillah, managed to play for the school as well. And again, I spent almost every afternoon (or alternate afternoon or so. dah tak ingat!) to practice at the netball court. Main sampai hitam. Hahah. Campur lagi dengan hitam berkawat almost setiap petang. Extra hitam dan berkilat. Hahahhaa. How my parents (esp my dad) was furious when he see how 'tanned' her daughter has become! Hehehhe.

Right after secondary school, I went to Kolej Mara Banting. And yea, you got it right. I joined the netball club as well, and played for college. I can remember how Izyan and I religiously went for the netball practice twice a week. Since there's nothing much really to do in KMB, the day that i look forward to the most at that time was the day when I have netball practice in the afternoon. Don't ask me why. It just lift my spirit.

And it still does. Now i am in Uni of Sheffield, I am still actively playing netball. And, subhanAllah, all of the Sheffield team players are amazingly SUPERB!!! That just makes me loveeeeeeee netball more. hehehe. But sadly, majority of them are going home this year. Huhu. I wonder if we still manage to get enough people to form a proper netball team. Seriously, i just can't imagine how BORING my life would be next year if there's no more netball.Warghhhh.

Why do I love it so much?
I don't know, really. I just love the idea of having to run and jump to catch the ball. It just makes me feel so free. So light. So alive! Hehe. And if I get to shoot the ball tru the hoop, that will be an extra pinch of satisfaction to me. hehehe.

Prejudice

Prejudice. Deny all you want, but either you realize it or not, we always have this negative attitude within us. It is as if we are born and bred with it. As if it runs in our veins, crawling under each and every inch of our skin.

Do you realize how easily we pass judgment on people? We are all too judgmental, and I loathe it.
We see a person dressed sloppily and appear unkempt, and we think that 'owh, this person must be poor'. He might have just happen to wake up late that morning and did not had the time to don himself properly, hence appearing unkempt.

We see a man driving his car at the speed of lightning, blasting horns to every car that drive at the speed of snail in front of him, and we easily labeled him as a road bully. He might have some sort of emergency that he has to attend to, who knows.

We see a man wearing a Pagoda shirt, walking out of his E series Mercedes, and we think that he must have been filthy rich. And if we see another man donning branded attire from head to toe, climbing out of a Proton Saga, i doubt any heads will turn.

And the examples goes on and on and on.

You can deny all you want, but yes, we are judgmental. Either conscious or subconsciously,we do it all the time.

And I am sick of it. Of judging people AND being judged by people all the time. I am what I am. And I am trying to change. But i refuse to change for other's sake. Only for Him, i will change. And trust me, i am trying. Slowly maybe, but at least I am trying. I know who I am. So please, stop judging.

Be thankful peeps!

I'm sure you've heard of the saying which goes " You won't appreciate what you have until you lost them". Which is so true.

But for this one man, whom I met this morning, that is not the case. Now, it is not that he is not being thankful. It is not that he is being ungrateful. But how is one suppose to appreciate something that one has never even has in the first place?

This man is born deaf. His mom had got infected with rubella when she was pregnant of him, and hence, he was born with only 5% hearing ability. His mother blamed herself for her only child's deafness (she refused to have rubella injection when she was young). But, this man, this brave man, does not feel that anyone is to be blamed for this. And certainly, not his mother.

Without his mother, he would not even be brought to this world.

He might not know what the sounds of birds gaily chirping early in the morning sounds like.

He might not be able to know what rain sounds like.

He does not even know what his own voice sounds like. (He can speak, but he can't hear himself talking. So, he is never sure if he say things correctly. Just imagine, how frustrating will that be?)

Despite all that, he is a one happy man. Heck, i think he looks even happier than me! That smile on his face never fade away, not even when he was telling us his sad story.

In fact, he said that his deafness makes him become a more positive person. He learns to look life at different perspectives.

This jovial man makes me think. He makes me appreciate more of what I have. The list of ni'mah that Allah has showered to us is endless, but how often do we thank Him for that? We always tend to take things for granted. Especially the little things. In fact, now I think of it, there is no such thing as 'little' things. None of His ni'mah can be considered as small. If you try to think about it,

if you don't have the eyelashes, you will certainly ended up having recurrent eye infection due to the continuous exposure to dust

if you break one of your thumb (or even a small cut will do!), you won't be able to write. Even eating or holding stuffs will be difficult.

if one of your nostril is blocked, you won't be able to breathe in as good as you should.

And the list goes on and on. They may sound simple, but this simple things lead to some other bigger things, which in the end, will have a huge impact on our lives.

Haish. We whine to much (or maybe not 'we'. Maybe I am the only one that whines too much). It is time to be thankful with what we have.

p/s: this is why i love medicine. It makes me appreciate life more. And obviously makes me think of Him, Allah Al Mighty more =)

Mental Health Hotline

Got this joke about Mental Health Hotline from the staffs at Swallownest. You might not be able to appreciate the joke if you are non-medics. Huhu. Sorry for the discrimination. Hehe. Oh well, all of my posts have been related to medicine anyway. Copy and pasted this joke which i thought was quite funny (ie i did not write the jokes ok. nanti ada plak issue copyright. huhu) And by all means, i did not mean to make fun of those with mental health problems. huhu.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.

If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please press 9. If you have short term memory loss, please press 9. If you have short term memory loss, please press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

Home sweet home

Home, is where my heart is.

"Papa dah pergi tempat emergency. Tempat Aliaa nak 'kerja' tu. Papa dah jumpa doktor2 kat situ" Aww. The ever so caring papa. He had helped me a LOT for my upcoming placement. Sayaaaaaaaaang dia bangat. huhu.

"Tengah buat apa? Hari ni tak 'kerja' ke?" Soalan favourite mama. hehe. Everytime I called, she will ask me that question. Despite the fact that it is the weekends, she never failed to ask me that question. hehe. 'Oh ye, 'kerja' is referring to my clinical attachment. Hehe.

"Abang Amir pakai kasut saiz 7 1/2 tau. Ingat, ada 1/2 kat belakang!" Kak Lisa with her constant reminder. hahahah.

" Dah beli lum kasut Clarks Abang Amir?" Abg Amir with his soalan wajib. Very d very concern bout his kasut Clarks. hahaha. If not on the fon, then tru ym via yana. Haha.

"Aqef beli toys je la. Adam pon beli toys. Baju dah banyak. Beli toys yang boleh gigit-gigit" Pesanan Elly utk hadiah anak2 comelnya. Hehe. She never asked for anything for herself nowadays. Since dah dapat anak, i guess anak comes first.

"Halluuuu beb. Ok bye" Eza. hahahahha. Gediks tak gediks? Roomie, shud i be expecting a new comfy bed this summer? ngehehehe.

" Benci IB!!! (or IT or Maths or apa2 yang sewaktu dengannya)" Hahahahha. Ok, to be fair, now that she has finished IB, i guess she won't be saying that anymore. Hehe. Izyan oo izyan. Hihi

"Dah beli belum hp yana?" Mek yana who is still undecided which hp to buy! Hehehe.

"Halu. Makcik Aliaa. Aqef ni" Mohd's umpteenth attempt to immitate suara aqef yang tak menjadi. Hahahah. Try again some other day pak mad. Hehe.

Sayup-sayup kat belakang, i can hear either suara Aqef merengek or menangis or mengira, or suara Adam menangis. Heheh.

That's how the conversation will sound like everytime i call home. Hehe.

Haish. One big happy family that i miss SO much. One big happy family that i will be going home to in a few more weeks time, insyaAllah. Haish. Kerinduan yang keamatan kot.

My kitchen. Ni je gambar rumah yang ada kat i rupenye. Huhu. Ni pon cilok from my sis's fs. Haha.

"

My GP placement.

"You'll either love it or hate it"

That's what they all said about GP placement. And I for sure am LOVING it!

Interestingly, I find myself enjoying this placement very much. Maybe it is because of the fact that I don't have to spend my weekdays over there. I know it is more of a psychology-thingy i guess, but it is true. I feel much better knowing that i am able to go home everyday. They can detain me for long hours in the clinic, yet, i still will go home with a smiling face. Because I know i will be going home to to familiar faces and will be able to bunk in my own comfy zone everyday. That makes a lot of difference.

Despite the fact that i have to wake up early in the morning to catch a bus from the West St to interchange, and then from interchange to swallownest, i am not complaining. In fact, i quite enjoy doing that. I love having to breathe in the fresh morning air. Everything is so calm, so serene. Not forgetting the lovely sceneries that my eyes get to devour on, all the way to Swallownest. Seeing the wild yellow dandelions basking proudly under the sun, covering almost every inch of hills in this one particular area in Rotherham, just takes my breath away.

All of the staffs in Swallownest are extremely friendly and helpful. Maybe that's what that makes me enjoy my placement more. And i kind of like the idea of going to patients' houses, to treat those who are house-bound. Those who are too ill to get out of the house to walk to the clinic. To see the strong relationship between doctors and their patients just amazed me. Its amazing to see how much the patients actually confide to their GPs. They trust them, respect them and some of them even spoil their GPs with gifts and chocolates! hehe. Now, it is not that i want to be a GP so that i can receive chocolates from patients. Hehe. Don't get me wrong. I just love the bond that is build between them. Patients are not merely treated as a patient. They are treated as a whole. A human being. And this is something that you rarely find within the hospital settings.

I got to see the patients at their houses by myself every now and then. And oh my, they can go on and on and on talking about every bits and bobs about their life. What was meant to be a formal visit ( i was meant to take their medical history from them) always turned out to be a friendly tea party! hehe.

Oh well, it is about to come to its end now. I only have another week left for this placement. Then, i have a week on Personality and Professional Development ( i am not sure how the med school is going to make us a professional within a week!hehe). Then I am to Paris for 3 days. And last but not least, i am off to Malaysia!! Yay. Then i have to do 4 weeks of A&E in General Hospital KL. To be honest, i am quite freaked out bout this. To do attachment in Malaysia is something totally new to me. Not sure if i will be able to handle it. Hopefully i will! huhu.

missing him loads!

he is unbearably cute..huhu

"Ayah" "Lori" "Cici (ie makcik!hehe)

Heheh. Those were among the words that blurted out of his mouth this afternoon. Finally, i got to hear him talk! Haish. Aqef Iman..why do you have to be so cute!? Missing you LOADS. can't wait to see you this summer holiday, eventhough i think i will be alienated by him as he might see me as a stranger. huhu. nyways, i still can't wait to go home!! weee~

Nursing home..

Dr Holmes brought me to a nursing home last Tuesday. I've never been to one before, but to be frank, I always had an ugly picture of it in my mind. And mind you, now that i've been there and witnessed it with my very own eyes, i am afraid i have to say the ugly picture that i had in my mind is true after all. It is an ugly place to live in. Not ugly, as in figuratively ugly. Huhu. But literally speaking, i would never want my parents to ended up there one day. If i live long enough, this is a vow that i am going to make to myself.

I found the visit quite depressing. To start with, the first patient that i saw just passed away. 20 minutes ago, she was talking, breathing and fine. The next 2o minutes, she was pale and stone cold. She was gone. Just like that.

The only thing that popped up in my mind back then was fear. Not that i fear of dead bodies (I was left alone with her body for a few minutes while the doctor and nurse ran out of the room to get gloves. uhuh)

I fear of death. Knowing that the clock is ticking, but the good deeds that i have done is too little if compared to my mountain-high sins.

Nothing is guaranteed in this life.

You are not guaranteed to have a successful life.

You are not guaranteed to have a blissful wedded life.

You are not guaranteed to have a continuous prosperous health and wealth.

Heck, you are not even guaranteed the next breath!

If He wants to take it from you, then He will take it from you. Cry all you want. Run as fast as you can. Fight as hard as you like. But if He wants to make things happen, then He will make things happen. Kun Fayakun..

Anyway, regarding the nursing home..

Obviously, the residence of the nursing home are the elderly. Old and crippled. Left all alone to die in the nursing home.

My heart was ripped even just to see them.

Everyone was sitting in the living room. The television is on, but nobody seems to care with what's going on with the world anymore. Why would anyone care who's going out with who or whats hot on movies right now or whatnot. Nobody seems to be interested to talk. Everyone just slumped in the huge armchair and stared out of the window. Silence. Pure silence. You could drop a bomb in the centre of the room, but i doubt a muscle will even twitch. The emptiness look in their face just strangled my emotion. I was choked by my own emotion..

Their bedrooms. Oh god. That even saddens me more. Some of them are too tired or too ill to move out of the bed, so they rested in their room instead. Their fragile body lie frailly on the bed, staring at the empty ceiling. Most of them, in fact, i think all of them, have pictures of their children and even grandchildren proudly standing on the bedside table. My aching heart flickered, 'Where are they? How can they live their mother or father to live all by his/herself in a nursing home?"

They are weak. Fragile. Half of their memory is gone. They can't eat as much. They can't talk as much. They can't even wash themselves! There's nothing much that they can do but to lie around. As if waiting for their time to come. And this just reminds me of this verse from Surah Yaasin.

" Dan sesiapa yang kami panjangkan umurnya, Kami kembalikan kepada asal kejadiannya (serba lemah) ; mengapa mereka tidak memikirkan?" Surah Yaasin: 68

A small token of advice for my sister =)

This post especially goes to my little sister (even tho u are not that LITTLE anymore, but u r still little to me! ehhe).

Nur Ili Izyan Romli

The anxiousness. The sweaty palms. The churning stomach. The dry mouth. The restlessness. The racing heart. Argh, I know these feeling. And oh-i-hate-them so! The so-called exam syndrome, which i am sure everyone despise. hehe. If you are having either one (or even all!) of these symptoms, fret not dearie. You are considered to be a normal mortal. hehe.

IB exam is this coming Wednesday, ait? Til 23 May rite? Mama and papa has been fussing me to give u a call to give u motivation for this exam. Everytime i call home, they would pester me to call u. Haha. I know ive rang u yesterday, and gave u some advice ( that is if u can call them advice! hehe). And i doubt u will even have the time to even read this post of mine. But i am still going to write it anyway.

You can do it, girl. I know you can. Mama & papa know you can. Kak sa, Elly, Eza, Yana and even pak mad know you can. And most importantly, even YOU know you can. We've seen how you work before this. You, bab study ni, memang i pon kalah kot. hehe. No doubt, insyaAllah, Allah will help you to get through this. He had even helped you to glide through the 2 horrifying years (thats how uve been describing it. hehe) in KMB. So, just pray and pray more, mek, that He will help you still for the exams.

If you think you can't do it, then you are wrong. Like i've said on the phone, the majority of the IB students managed to pass the exams. And we are no different than you. You have what we have. And we have what you have. There is nothing that we have more or less than you. We've made it to UK, and so can you beb. So can you =)

Just believe in yourself. Usaha selagi mana mampu.

I always remember back when i was in my early teens, if i complain kata

"Papa, paper maths tu susah gila.huhu"

He will always reply

"Mana ada paper yang susah. Tak susah. Cuma mencabar je."

Maybe that's not his exact words, but the essence is there. You get what i mean don't u. And believe it or not, that helps me a lot. Nothing is difficult. Challenging maybe. But not difficult. A challenge is something that we can counter. It is something that we HAVE to counter. If we think of it as a challenge, we will automatically push ourselves to the very limit to try to get through it kan? But, if we think of it as a difficulty, we might see it as an obstacle. An obstacle which might bring us down, hence hindering us from getting what we would like to achieve. That's just my interpretation of his saying though. hehe.

I know how Maths subject is haunting u up til now. So, if you find one of the papers to be challenging, don't let it get into you. You still have two more papers to sit for. Just don't let your feelings to conquer you ok mek? Even if you feel like you can't go on no more, just stop. Take a deep breath. And remember that Allah is always there for you. No matter what. Cry if you must. That helps me a lot. hehe. Cry and plea all you want. If you find the whole world pushing you down to your knees, then believe me sister, you are in the best position to pray. So pray and plea to Him all you want. For now, papa or mama or even me can't even do anything to help you. He is the one and solely help that you have. And believe me, He listens..

I wish for nothing but for the very best for you, izyan. I sincerely hope you and mek eza will be joining me here next year. we can have a mini romlis reunion here then! heheheh. How lovely will that be! yay!!! hehe.

Ok la. All the best, dear. You know we all love you. So tak yah stress stress ok. heheh. =)

Muaaaahh. Huggsss. Rinduuuu.

Signing off,
Your sister who can't wait for the summer break,
Aliaa

Sesat dan sesat lagi.

Today is Friday. Tomorrow is Saturday. And the day of tomorrow is Sunday. And a day after Sunday will be my last day of 2 weeks holiday. And i SO do not want this holiday to end. I have been having loads and loads of fun that i am feeling extremely reluctant to return to doing placements again! Argh. But my rational head reminds me that that is SO not logical, aliaa dearie. You live for a purpose, not to play and roll around and having fun all the time. Allah does not create you in this world for that purpose, aliaa.

So, realizing that my holiday is about to come to its end, i decided to push myself to be a bit more productive. I had been lazing around (and when i say lazing around, i mean seriously lazing around not wanting to do anything at all!) for days. Hehe. My GP placement begins on Tuesday, but I only have to go to practice on Wednesday as we have introductory lectures on Tuesday. As i am fully aware of how bad i am with directions (i almost always managed to get lost. haha) , i thought it would be wise for me to go and find the place of my GP placement today, which is a place that i have never heard of before.

Swallownest Health Centre, S26 BG.

That's the only direction that was given by medical school. Useful, uhuh (read with sarcastic note to have the full effect. hehe). Hence, i had to ransack the ever so useful WWW for the directions to go there. Confused, I was. I initially had no idea where to go and how to go there. Blindly, I just searched on the internet for the best method of transportation to go there. It took me good 2 hours just to find the near-perfect solution. Hence, after the headaches, i was decided. I will take First bus from Sheffield Interchange to Swallownest High Street. That is the fastest and most convenient route for me. Determined, I hopped on the next tram and found myself on the 23A First bus to Rotherham.

First of all, I had no idea where this place is. So, i had no idea where to stop. I only had the name of the stop, which did not give much of a help. I still was clueless when to ring the buzzer to stop the bus. And, secondly, i was on my own. Oh well, this still needs to be done. Better get lost now than later. huhu. My eyes frantically searched for the word swallownest high street at each bus stops, fearing i might miss it. Yet still, i did.

Huhu. There was only the word High Street stated at the bus stop, so assuming that it was not the one, i continued further. Once when the bus had started to pass Worksop bus stop, i had this uneasy feeling. The feeling which signaled me that i might have missed the stop. Oh well, without much fuss, I got off the bus on the next stop (which is very FAR away from the High St bus stop!) . The weather was lovely and i was feeling quite good in myself, so i did not complain of having to walk a few extra miles.

After about 10 minutes walk, i got to the right bus stop. Right. According to the google map, i have to head southeast and then turn left when i found Florence Ave. Confident with my not-so-good bearing, i walked along the road. I walked up and down the hill, assuring myself that i will find it soon. However, after long minutes of walking, i realized that i am going no where. In fact, i realized that i was actually walking in circles! Argh. Somehow, stupid-me refused to ask any of the passerby for direction. I assured myself, ok lets do this one more time. Then, if i get lost again, i'll get some help. Again, i tried to follow the instructions provided my the google map dutifully, and again, surprise surprise, i found myself lost in the middle of swallownest.

Ok. Don't panic. I rang Elly, trying to get some help. She told me to ask the local people as they will know better than her. Obviously, she was correct. Hence, defeated, i walked around the Coopland and managed to bump into a man, who seems nice enough to approach. And, alhamdulillah, he was a very very nice man.

He insisted on showing me the way despite the fact that he did not know where it was. In fact, he was the one who asked around for directions for me. First, he asked this couple, and then a group of young lads joined the discussion. Funny, seeing how all of them trying to solve my problem. Alhamdulillah, one of the lads know where it was and showed me the direction. Apparently, i had been walking towards the opposite direction! No wonder i failed to find the place! Huhu.

Perhaps the nice old man noticed the confused look on my face when the young man explained to me how to get there. Hence, he offered to drive me there. I know, i know. We are not supposed to trust strangers. Let alone to accept the offer to ride on the car with a stranger whom ive just got to know a few minutes ago. But, i was too knackered at that time. My legs were aching, and i guess without thinking much, i accepted this man's offer. He seems nice, but again, i know, looks can be deceiving. Huhu. I know, that was a stupid and risky thing to do, but i did not have much choice. I was too tired..But then, all in all, he drove me safely to the health centre and even showed to me the direction to go home. Such a nice guy, he was. I owe him big time..

And now i know where to go on Wednesday. Despite the laziness which is conquering me right now, i am quite looking forward for this placement. I want to be the best. I want to strive for the best. InsyaAllah, with His help, i will. =)