Smile and be pretty, my dear

The first time I got to know you was waayyyy back when we were in our ribena years. The time when everything else in the world doesn't matter. Hingus meleleh. Rambut gebang gebang. Baju comot sebab tumpah makanan. Omigod, if I were to look back at the picture of us when we were small, I would be stupendous! Hahahah. But oh well, that was us back then, living in our own untouched perfect world, not giving a damn about anything else in the world. I miss back then, when even the most ridiculously simplest thing gave us joy. I miss rushing back home after sekolah agama to play getah with you at our playground. I miss skipping my duty as a prefect to play getah and ting ting during recess with you and our gang, consequently causing me to lose my position as a prefect. Hahahha. Malas lagi. Padan muka.

And we both went to the same secondary school. You have your group of friends and I have mine. But still, we remain close friends. I think the fact that our house is like less than a mile apart keep our friendship still going. I remembered walking to school with you early in the morning, at 7.10 am to be precise. Hehe. And walking home with you from school. Almost always you were the one who had to go for the detour. I think I can count with my fingers the number of time I sent you off first. Hahah. Oh I am bad.

And then after high school, we took our driving lisence together. And both of us failed the first time we took it. Hahahha. BUT, both of us managed to pass on second try. Heheh. And we were both, INITIALLY, scared to drive. I remembered that incident where we were stopped by that stupid man on the Subang's flyover on the way back from Pyramid because I overtook his car a bit too closely. That incidence gave me shivers up til now. But now, amazingly you have overcome your fear to drive and has become a great driver!! Kudos to you. Hehhehe. I am still stuck at the passenger seat, for now. Am slowly regaining my confidence to drive again, though. At snail speed that is.

And then we are thousand miles apart. And each of us live our own lives and only get to meet at least once a year during my summer holiday. Eventhough we do not get to talk as much or hang out as much over the years, I still do treasure you as one of my very bestfriends.

And tomorrow you will be someone else's. And I am so happy for you. I really am. You are getting marrieddddd!!!!

Sad as well, to be honest, knowing that I won't be there on your big day. You know I would do anything to fly home and witness the most important day in your life. I wouldn't miss it for the world. But, tough luck, my finals is at stake. If not because of it, I would already be there, tagging you around like a nosy b**ch, eager to be included in the most important day of your life.

So tomorrow, just smile and be pretty, my dear. I am sure you will be a beautiful bride. Can't wait for the pictures!!!

p/s: Just make sure you can attend my wedding ok. Hehehhe.

Love you to bits bebeh.

Muah muah muah

XOXO

A year has passed :)

I've just got my results for my phase 3A exams and decided to reward myself with a new Canon camera which I ADORE so much. This was the first picture taken using that camera. This was taken whilst waiting for the train to Manchester to arrive.


After waiting anxiously for almost 2 hours at the airport, they finally arrived! Yeay! Heheh. Papa with his plastic-wrapped luggage. Classic. Hehhehe


1st day in Manchester. Both father and son apparently still sleeping whilst the mother and daugthers all already hyped up to start on with the journey! Breakfast on the first day in Manchester was roti canai (papa brought the frozen ones all the way from Malaysia. hehe) and the a-bit-too-spicy nasi goreng which I cooked.


This is one of the oh-so-cute-i-want-to-pinch-her-cheek daughters of the hosts. We bunked at two separate houses, which was just side by side as they were too many of us!


First stop was Manchester city. And this was where I dropped my newly bought camera. I almost cried! And apparently I dropped and lost my railcard here as well. Oh, dammit.


After spending a good few hours strolling around the city, we headed to Izyan's place to rest. We fought for Subway, watched papa showing his skills with the fries, we (ie Me, Izyan, Eza and Yana) hang around and talk and laugh like 4 mad people in the lounge room when papa and others were fast asleep in Izyan's room. When we went to the room, we found Papa, Mama and Mohd all curled up on a ridiculously tiny single bed! How they manage to do that still puzzle us. Hehe.

We had dinner at Rusholme and headed off to Moonlight for dessert. Yum Yum.

Yes neither of us are football fans. Haha. But we still acted as if we are interested in Manchester United. Oh at least, I did. Haha. Including this trip, I had been to the stadium 3 times. So that might explain the lack of enthusiasm. Hehe

Later that evening, we went to Old Trafford shopping mall for dinner. This picture of Mohd was taken by Izyan. Izyan with her 'genius' ideas with photography. Hahahha. This was taken whilst waiting for the bus in the freaking cold.

Next stop was Sheffield.

And this was how my room looked like when all 9 of us bunked in one room. Hahahhaha. Rest assured. My room is NOT like this all the time. Hehe.

Shopping trip to Meadowhall later that night. I bought myself a nice Topshop bag for just 15 pounds! Only to find out later that one of the zip was ripped off. Damn you. But I managed to sew them back together, another 8 months later. Heheh.

OMG. The trip to Castleton. Our so called plan to have a picnic at Peak District. My so-called plan that is. Horrible, horrible idea! Hahahha. We took a bus to Castleton and upon arrival, right after mama stepped her foot out of the bus, she said "Mama nak balik." Hahahahha. OMG. I felt so damn horrible. After discussing, mama and papa agreed to go home by themselves. The other 7 of us decided to continue with our plan, freezing our arses off in the icy cold weather. Thankfully the scenery was superb. But even we surrenderred and headed home earlier than planned. Haha. They must have been silently cursing me all the way home.

Later that night, we decided to do something fun. Headed off to Hollywood Bowl only to find them fully booked until quite late. We thought ice skating would do, but the place was closed due to a hockey practise. Hahahah. I could not remember what we ended up doing that night. Hmmm. Perhaps we just went home and sleep?

The next destination was Leeds. We left Sheffield early and reached Leeds around 10 am I think. And we headed straight to Junction 32 to shop after leaving our luggage at the place where we stayed. We shopped til the place closed. Hahah. Kak Lisa went missing for a while. But oh, that was predicted. Hehehe.

It was Christmas Day the next day and everything was closed. So we decided to spend our 'Christmas' at Eza's place which was like 30 minutes walk from the place we stayed. We went all the way to her place to get our laundry done. Haha. Eza's friend joined us later and we played pool and Flush the whole day. Hahah. Such an unproductive day!

The next day was Boxing day!! We woke up early and got a cab to the city centre. We were all apparently appeared chatty and excited that the cab driver could guess that we were off for the Boxing Day. hahhaha. Were we that obvious? Hahhaha. Obviously we shopped like mad. And obviously we were too busy shopping that we did not have time to snap any pictures! Hahahah.

London was our next stop. Funny story. I mistakenly bought First class train tickets for me, Izyan, Eza and Abg Amir. Hahahha. So we ended up enjoying a rather pleasant 2 hours journey, playing Flush all the way to London. Oh, we were too afraid to get ourselves any drinks offered by the stewardess (is that what u call these people?) cause we taught we have to pay for them. Pardon us for being so jakun as we had never ride on the first class train before. Hahah. Only later to find out that the drinks were FREE!

Our favourite shop in London. Or to be more accurate, papa's favourite shop. Haha. Everything was very cheap in this place. And it was near our apartment! And the apartment was worth our every penny. Or papa's penny to be exact. Hahhaha. We LOVE that place.


First night in London, we attempted to try shopping at Oxford St. And failed. Oh wait a minute, does Primark counts? Hahhaha. There were too many people and I hate that! It was a day after Boxing Day but still, that area was flooded with human.

Oh look how happy we were. Hahha. We went sightseeing around London the next day.

I think this is the only proper family picture that we have! Abg Amir was the one who took this picture. This was taken when we were on the cruise along the river. It was freezing, the wind was so chilly, but we decided to sit outside still!

The last night in London, I spent it with the girls at Starbucks. We acted like 4 drunk girls, laughing, talking and recording that stupid video, padahal we were gulping Frappucino. Frappucino in the cold. Yes, CRAZY!

Kak Sa and Abg Amir left the next day. The other 7 of us headed back to Manchester.
Amazingly, it snowed on the last day they were here. And whats more amazing is that it only snows at Izyan's place. Mama and papa stayed at a hotel elsewhere in city centre, and interestingly it was not snowing there! So, we dragged them to Izyan's place and it was so nice to see their happy faces, enjoying the beauty of snow.

After almost 2 weeks of fun, they headed back home to Malaysia.

Oh I can't believe a year has passed since all of you were here. Sigh. Miss you all. A lot.

Life oh life

For the past 5 weeks, my life has became a mundane routine. I've been doing the same thing over and over again, and now I am feeling tired of doing the same thing over and over again! I crave for something new. Something exciting.

But, oh well, how on earth can one make revision exciting! Oooh, maybe instead of studying in my cosy room, I could go and study in IC instead. Wow. How exciting that would be. Note: read with a hint of sarcasm. Ooh, or maybe I could switch my daily timetable. Instead of studying from 9.30 to 1, I could study from 9.30 to 11, and then go down and make myself a cup of tea, and continue studying again from 11.10 to 1! Wow. Thats a brilliant idea, Aliaa. Note: Again, read with a hint of sarcasm.

Oh my dearie god! I am so fed up, stuck with the same routine every day. And I hate the fact that I could not do anything to change it because it is necessary for me to do so as I have my finals in just three weeks time. I have to stick with this boring schedule orelse I won't have enough confidence to face my finals. And I need my confidence for exams.

To make things worse, everyone is scattered all over the world this winter holiday, undoubtedly having the time of their life. Enjoying their time off from university. Well, almost everyone that is. And I couldn't help but feel a tinge of jealousy creeping inside my soul. Oh well, a tinge would be an understatement.

Oh why am I such a whiny person. Huhu.

Oh wait, writing an entry for my blog is not in my usual routine. So hey, there you go! I did something different today. Hahahha.

Snow :)

I see snow falling from the sky today, and that is enough to make me happy.

Apparently it snowed earlier at 10am, but somehow I missed it.

And then it snowed again around lunchtime. And I found myself smiling when I watch the snowflakes floating and gliding freely in the air. I glanced at the sky and smiled.

It snowed quite heavily for 5 minutes and then it stopped.

Just after we recited our doa, welcoming the new year around Maghrib, it happened again. Cotton wools fell from the sky. Well, at least that was what it looked like. Hehe.

Gorgeous.

SubhanAllah. Alhamdulillah. Allahuakbar. For the past few weeks, I had been slumped with so many things that made me feel so down. My exams. My interview. My job allocation. My bestfriend's wedding. My family. My plasticup. They were so overwhelming that I feel like I want to just take off and leave. To anywhere else but here.

But, subhanAllah, the snow that falls today reminds me of what I have today. It is just hard for me to explain so I guess I am better off not explaining it. Hehe.

Interesting how slick and smooth Allah is in teaching us a lesson, huh?

I thank Him for this. And for everything else in life.

Not ready to be one

I was booking a slot for my job interview this morning, when it hits me. I am not ready to be an adult.

I know, yes, I am 24. But the number 24, as cliche as it sounds, is afterall, just a number. It doesn't reflect who I am.

And now I am 1 month away from my written finals. 5 months away from my OSCE finals. 8 months away from stepping into the working world, that is if I pass insyaAllah. Which sounds scary for now. The prospect of working is giving me butterflies. I feel nauseated even from thinking about it. I am dealing with people's lives here. One wrong step, and I'll be done.

And I have a post allocation interview a few days after my written finals. I've already got a post in Yorkshire region, for those of you who do not know. And now this interview will determine which deanery I am going to work for.

And I also have that huge decision to be made.

And I just feel overwhelmed. I am freaking out, thinking I am so not ready for this!

No, I am not ready to be an adult.

For He knows everything and I know nothing..

Nothing is certain in life. Heck, we are not even guaranteed our very next breath, whats more anything else in life?

It is interesting how unpredictable life is. One minute it is all nice and sunny and the next minute storm is looming.

We thought we have everything in our life laid out, perfectly, uncreased. But somehow, along the way, something happened and everything changes. Everything goes haywire and there goes our plan into the bin.

At that instance, I know it is one bitter pill to swallow. But, as Muslims, we have to believe that everything happens for a reason. When we stick to this, insyaAllah we will be OK . This strongly held believe will make us view things differently. Perhaps, instead of whining and complaining about the bitterness of life, we will be content with life. Perhaps, it is His way to bring us closer to Him. Cause He knows in the end, no matter how far we have gone astray, it is only to Him we will turn to when we are experiencing the glitches of life.

Indeed, Allah has a better plan for us. No doubt, He is the best planner as He knows everything whilst we know none.

Fly me home, right now!

Rindu kamu...

I miss you, mek. Sangat. Nak nangis. Ok tipu, dah nangis dah pon. And now you are 'leaving' me for someone else. And I won't be there. Benci. Sangat. Huhu. I want to be there, badly. Sangat. I would fly home if I could.

Ok, emo sorang sorang di pagi Khamis. Huhuhu.

Stranger Number 1 and 2

Two total strangers had inspired me yesterday. Their words just made me think. Their stories just made me ponder.

I met them at the Short Stay Unit at Weston Park Hospital yesterday (Fyi, Weston Park Hosp is a hospital for cancer patients). Yes, it was Eid yesterday. And yes, I had to spend my day in the hospital on Eid. But, it was not so bad. At all. In fact, I was glad that I decided to turn up yesterday morning to the Short Stay Unit. You see, I had been contemplating if I should go yesterday since it is Eid. But, realizing that it was my last day in Oncology placement, I decided to give it a go. When I first got there, I initially regretted going because there was nothing for me to do at all. All of the nurses were busy (it is a nurse-led unit), hence I was left all alone, sitting at the corner pretending to look busy flipping through patients' notes. I silently cursed myself, thinking that I will be better off at home doing revision!

After a while, I got restless and asked one of the nurses if there is anything for me to do at all. Without looking at me, she said, NO. Haha. Ok. Thanks. You are helpful, love.

That's it, I think. I have to do something. I had already wasted my 15 minutes pretending to be busy, now I have to actually go and do something useful. I walked into one of the treatment room and spotted my target. An elderly woman who was busy filling her time with solving puzzles in the magazine. Trying my luck, I went in and approached her, and alhamdulillah, she agreed to have a chat with me.

She was the Stranger Number 1. Even after talking to her only for a few minutes, anyone can tell that she is one jovial lady! You wouldn't have guessed that she had 2 different types of cancer and a list of other medical problems. Nobody would have guessed that she just had the unpleasant stereotactic radiotherapy yesterday. She went on and on sharing the story of her life to me. And her story amazed me. Our conversation was interrupted by a nurse, who told her that her MediCar was ready to go now.

I went on for another hunt, and found myself a nice gentleman sitting on the chemo-couch with a bored look on his face. Splendid. He was Stranger Number 2. We chatted for almost an hour and he was one pleasant man. He was just recently diagnosed with mesothelioma and is now on his fifth course of chemotherapy.

These two strangers inspired me. Despite all of their problems, they hold on strong. Despite of all their worries, they never fail to plaster a lovely smile on their face.

Both of them has lost their loved ones, and are fighting a battle with their own body and yet they appear to be even more positive then me!

Stranger Number 1 said to me " As long as I am able to lift my legs off the bed in the morning and put my legs on the ground, I am OK"

" Now you made me feel bad. I whine over the smallest thing in the world" I joked.

Which is true. I do whine over the minute things.

I whine when the weather is too cold.
I whine when the weather is too hot.
I whine when it rains.
I whine when I have to leave home at 7 in the morning to leave for the hospital.
I whine when I missed the train by a few minutes.
I whine and whine and whine.

My problems are not as big as theirs (if anything, it is nothing compared to theirs), and yet, I whine more than them.

Lets learn to be positive.
Lets learn to appreciate what we have in front of us, instead of whining over things that we don't have.
Lets learn to be a grateful servant to Him.
And lets learn to smile no matter how dark the cloud hanging over you is.

I am sure, if they are Muslims, they will be able to sail through this even stronger.

And I guess that is a brownie point for us as Muslims. We have Him to turn to to seek for strength especially when we need it the most. Cause He is always there for us. Always. It is entirely up to us to seek for Him or not.

Unwise choice of words

Man, I've said the stupidest thing today. I feel like a fool.

I was seeing a patient on the ward at Royal Hallamshire Hospital this afternoon. After spending 30 minutes talking to him and doing the appropriate (well, at least I think they were appropriate) examination, I decided that I had bugged him enough for today. He has been one of the many nice and kind patients whom I adore. We were exchanging goodbyes, when he said " I wish you luck for your studies and I wish you have wonderful years ahead of you". I meant to say "Hope everything goes well with you", but no. Instead of that, I echoed his words instead. " I hope you have wonderful years ahead of you, too".

Crap. That was BAD.

I just wished a guy, who was recently diagnosed HIV just a fortnight ago, to have wonderful years ahead of him.

Crappy crap. I felt stupid. I realized what I said immediately and was too dumbfounded to say anything else. I just smiled and left the room instead. Oh my goodness god. I felt like banging my head to the wall.

I know, with all of the advances in medicines nowadays, HIV patients do live a better quality of life compared to the monkey years. If on treatment, their viral load and CD4 count will be very well controlled. I even saw a patient in the HIV clinic who still go for sky diving, surfing and doing some sort of humanitarian work in Ghana. Heck, he is doing the things that even I have never done before!

But still, argh, I don't know. I don't know how to explain how I feel. I just felt stupid. To tell a HIV positive patient to have a good life is just plain stupid. That's my point of view. Period.

I always have this problem with choice of words. I am never good with them. I always think too much if I've said the right thing. Or if I should just shut up when I am not suppose to say anything. I think I think too much.

Life is a lesson. *quote this from you. Cilop jap. hehe* We make mistakes, we learn from them, and move on. Hopefully I won't be making the same mistake twice cause then I would be a fool.

Bare below the elbow policy

I was in Dermatology Clinic with Prof G. My colleague and I arrived a few minutes early, so we filled in the time with small chat. He asked us about our SSCs, UKFPOs and etc. I was removing my wrist watch when he bombarded me with an unexpected question.

"Why are you not following the bare below the elbow policy?" I could feel his eyes burning through my unrolled long sleeved pink cardigan.

"Oh, I only rolled up my sleeve when I have to see a patient" I replied.

"Why are you not following the bare below the elbow policy?" He repeated the same question as if he did not hear my answer the first time. This time, he repeated it rather sternly.

"I couldn't bare my elbow because of my religion. That's why I only roll up my sleeves when I have to examine a patient," I explained.

"I don't care about your religion," He said nonchalantly. He continued looking at me disapprovingly. I felt challenged.

I was about to open my mouth to defend myself. I started saying, "But the other.." And I just stopped right there. I bit my tongue. Trying to refrain myself from saying things that I would regret later. Thankfully, I managed to keep my mouth shut just on time. I realized that if I continue to argue with him about this matter, the Professor would either chuck me out of his clinic or maybe would put me on his blacklist, if he has any. Acknowledging the fact that he is more superior to me, I finally surrender and rolled up my sleeves up to my elbow without uttering any word. I felt naked then.

The first few minutes after that incident passed by awkwardly. I was trying to calm myself and tried to plaster a smile on my face. I tried to act as if I was unperturbed by this even though deep inside, I was silently protesting.

I could not see how bare below the elbow policy can cut down infection. For those who are clueless about what I am rambling about, this policy was created just recently. All of the health professionals working in UK MUST not wear anything below the elbow. Watches, jeweleries and let alone long sleeves shirt is a BIG no-no. Apparently they allow transmission of infection from health professionals to patients to take place, hence this policy supposedly is able cut down the risk infection transmission to patients.

I've heard rumors implying that there is lack of evidence supporting this so-called fact. Yet, despite that, these people are still very much keen to stick with this policy.

At the end of the day, we are the one who are at loss. We, the Muslim women staffs. We are insisted to expose a part of ourselves which is NOT allowed to be shown to others except to certain people. We are forced to go against what was being told in the Quran ie to cover everything apart from face and hands. We are basically forced to do something that we do not wish to do. Now, wait a minute. I thought we are living in a country that emphasis the importance of human rights? So much of human rights, huh?

I still remember, in the very same clinic, a patient kept challenging Prof G about his management plan. After the patient left the clinic, he said to us "Now, that's someone with an unrealistic expectation. She keeps wanting to do things that I told her not to do. That's not good," And I don't know if it was just me being paranoid or if he actually did gave me a threatening glare when he said that.

All in all, it was a good clinic despite what happened. A lot of interesting cases. All of the patients presented with different problems which contributed to the variety of cases. Which is good. He did complimented me and my colleague at the end of the clinic though. Which is definitely good. Hehe.

Anger

Annoyed today, I was.

Angry. No. That will be underestimating my feelings this morning. I was fuming with rage.

I have tried to be rational but I failed.

Funny how a simple thing could annoy me this much.

But I am OK now.

Put this behind me. Let it go. The past doesn't matter. The future does.

Eid Eid Eid :)

Eid is almost coming to its end. Oh well, actually, it has long gone! Hehe. But to Malaysians, Eid is celebrated for a month. So technically for me, we still have a few more days of Eid left. :)

Alhamdulillah, to my surprise, this year's Eid celebration was far from boring. It is anything but boring! From my previous posts, anyone could easily detect the skeptiscm that I have on Eid celebration this year. They are all there whilst I was stuck here. Then, I could not help but imagining how horrifyingly dreary my Eid is going to be like. But, my oh my, was I wrong.

Starting from the first day of Eid, we have been blessed to be showered with abundant of open houses invitations. Eventhough there was not many of us back then, we still do enjoy ourselves. We did try to go to as many open houses as possible. And slowly, week by week, the number seemed to grow! More and more people joined us to go for open houses and the fun just keeps on snowballing.

And last week, we throw our own open house and our house was flooded with people! And the feeling of seeing people enjoying their food is just wonderful.

The juniors are all great. Every one of them. Never have I imagine to be in this place, being the only super senior amongst the many juniors. But, oh heck, seniority means nothing, doesn't it? Why create a barrier with others just because you are a couple of years older than them?

To my housemates, I love you girls. Hehe. And of course, to my ex-housemates, I still do love you girls! heheh. And Eica specially, thank you for keeping me sane when no one else is here to keep me company!

Who says life is easy?

Life is all about making the right choices, huh? Without realizing, we have been trained to make decision ever since we are little child.

To eat the candy or not to eat the candy?

To watch TV or to go to sleep?

To have the white handbag or the blue handbag? Haha. :P

These are the simple kind of choices that we have to make throughout our day, day in and day out. And normally we wade through them without much problem.

But, some decision are just so difficult to make. When the choice that you make determines your whole life ahead of you, you will start to realize that this ain't something to fiddle around about. Make the wrong decision, and you will see your whole life squashed right in front of you.

But, obviously, we human are no psychic. We do not know what is ahead of us. We do not know for sure what will happen if we do this, and not do that. We don't know what lies behind each of the different choices that we have in front of us. We can only assume what will happen, and even that is with extreme limitation. Who knows, in the future, Allah might give a twist in our life, and hence, things will not go as we thought it would be. Scary how unpredictable life is, isn't it?

So now here I am. Torn in between two. I have two roads ahead of me. Each with their own roses with thorns. Either way, it is not a win-win situation for me. Yet, I have to decide. So Allah, please guide me through this.

p/s: who says being an adult is fun?

My very first

Today, I did my very first spinal anasthesia on a patient. I mean on a real patient. Not a dummy. But a patient. An alive patient. Who is about to go for an elective C-section.

Dr Matthews asked me to scrub in for today. And I thought sure, maybe he just wanted to make me feel more involved by scrubbing in. I scrubbed in with the help from a lovely midwife, as I had not scrubbed in for 3 months! I took ages to scrub in! The bit where I had to don the sterile glove is the trickiest part. I always struggle to put on my gloves gracefully. Hehe. By the time I was all sterile, Dr Matthews has already finished setting up the sterile field around the patient's back. Huhu.

With my hands clasped close to my chest, I walked to the patient. Peeking over Dr Matthew's shoulder, I tried to get a closer look at what he was doing. Then suddenly, he asked me to grab a stool, which I did. He grabbed the stool next to me. Then he asked me to palpate for the iliac crest and find the suitable level for insertion of the needle. Which I did. He helped me through this as I was not so sure of what I felt. Then after a few explanations, he asked me to hold the needle. Ok, I thought that was all he wanted me to do.

But noooooo.

He, then, told me to start and poke the needle at the patient's back. I was like, woahhh. Hold on a minute. I have not been taught how to do this before. Yes, I have seen it done like a million times. Yes, I've read the procedures from books. But I have not had a proper teaching on how to do it. All I know is from what I have seen and from what I have learnt from the books! But no, he insist me to do it. So, i was like, gulp, Ok!

So there you go. I poke in the needle after he had injected the local anaesthetic. And then poked in the finer needle for the spinal. First shot, it bang straight to the bone. After 3rd attempt, it went pass the ligamentum flavum and straight into the dura space. CSF leaks out of the needle, and that was it. I was in! After infusion of local anaesthetic, within minutes, she told me she could no longer feel anything from her nipple below. Hahahahha. Walaaaa. It works!

God, only Allah knows how scared I was at that time. Miraculously, alhamdulillah, I did not even think about anything apart from getting the procedure right. Only later I got to think of all of those things that could have gone wrong. Worst comes to worst, I could have damage her nerves and cause her to be paralysed for life. Which, alhamdulillah, I did not. The thought of it just send shivers down my spine.

So there you go. My very first experience of spinal anaesthesia. The highlight of my day. Hehe. Oh well, there is always a first time for everything, isn't there?

p/s: tick tock tick tock. the time is running! :)

Eid Mubarak :)

Eid mubarak to all the muslims out there. With or without family, with or without close friends, Eid is still Eid. And it deserves to be welcomed with warm smiles and happiness.

Keep these ugly feelings aside for a change. Keep it in a box and seal it tight and shove it in a place that is too deep to be dug, or too far to be reached.

Smile. Don't cry. Laugh. Don't whine.

Allah has created Eid as a day of happiness. And a happy day it shall be.

Be strong my dear self.

Eid Mubarak peeps.

p/s: it is getting nearer ain't it? Weee~

Its slipping away

Oh no. Ramadhan is coming to its end. Interesting, how my feelings towards Ramadhan changes as I grow older. I remember how it was back when I was a child, or even as a teenager. Ramadhan was viewed solely as a month where I can have nothing to eat nor drink. I used to whine everytime papa forced us to go to terawih at the mosque during the nights of Ramadhan. And when Ramadhan ended, I was so happy that I finally got to eat again. Huhu. Teruk betul.

But now, things have changed.

I finally got to understand why Ramadhan is associated as the holy month. The ni'mah of fasting throughout the day. The ni'mah of breaking the fast after a long day of fasting, even if it is just with a sip of water. The ni'mah of reading Quran after every prayers, especially during the night. The ni'mah of Tarawih, especially when it is done in congregation. The ni'mah of Lailatul Qadr, that is if we are lucky enough to meet the sacred night. The ni'mah are unbeatable. They are undescribable. They are beyond words, subhanAllah.

And now Ramadhan is slipping away. In few more days, it will be gone. But just because Ramadhan is gone, it does not mean our 'amal ibadah has to be put on hold til the next Ramadhan comes! Lets all hope that Allah will make us istiqamah with our amal ibadah. We do need them as much as we can for our next stop.

Raya di perantauan

I can't believe a year has past since we last had our raya together. Gosh, and now the holy month is about to come to its end. Syawal is approaching. I have a feeling that this coming Syawal will not be the same without you girls with me. Perhaps that explains the loop of emptiness that I am feeling inside. I miss you girls already...very much.


http://smsawomen.blogspot.com/2008_09_01_archive.html (click on the link for the video recorded from last year)

InsyaAllah, this is my fifth raya abroad. InsyaAllah, this is my fifth raya with me being away from my family. But why do I have a feeling that this raya will be the hardest for me? A 'rainy' raya, that is what I am expecting.

I miss everyone right now. My hormones seems to be taking its toll over me.

The unplanned trip

Brussels was OK. The whole trip was OK alhamdulillah, considering it was an unplanned trip. I know before this I whined about how costly the trip is, but now that I come to think of it, we actually had landed ourself on a very good bargain!

Our ticket includes a return trip to Brussels AND a 3 days 2 night accommodation in Brussels Hotel.

Eurostar is great! (Pardon me for being so jakun. It was my very first time travelling via Eurostar. hehe). Yes, we had to travel all the way to London for it. But, I personally think it was worthwhile. I don't have to care so much about what I can or can NOT put in my luggage (oh yes, the do scanyour bags, but i obviously do not carry a gun around, so that is ok for me.) I don't have to stress out about exceeding the luggage allowance. I can carry even up to 10 bags if I want to (which obviously I did not do because I don't have enough hands to carry 10 bags around!). The waiting time is much less reduced. The ambience in the train itself is very comforting. And most of all, I don't have to worry about crashing everything the train shooks. Huhu.



Our hotel is even better. It was right in front of the tram stop, which is extremely convenient. When we book the ticket, we ordered for a standard single room each (why we ordered separate room is a bit too complicated to be explained in this blog.) But alhamdulillah, instead of a single room, we got ourselves a double deluxe room which can fit up to 4 people in a room! The room itself costs even more than the total money that we had to spend for the whole package! Alhamdulillah. I guess Allah is just making things easy for us as we had to endure so much problem before we could even get to Brussels.

We did not do anything much on our first day. It was only on our second day our trip officially begun. We went to Atomium, Mini Europe, Grand Place and Maneken Piss (which really pissed me off.hehe) We break our fast in Grand Place, eating Belgium waffle. That was amazing. Hehe. All in all it was an-OK trip.

And alhamdulillah, Eza managed to get her 6 months visitors pass! Haha. So that makes our trip worth it.


Mek dah nak balik dah. Benci tul. Kirim salam kat orang kat rumah. Esp Ma n Pa. Cubitkan Qeefee and Damdam for me!

p/s: Now, should I restart counting? Hahha.

Salam wbt :)

Want to be a paramedic? Read this. Heheh

Today, I have spent the whole day with the paramedics. I had been looking forward to it ever since I've started this A&E rotation. I did not had the chance to follow the ambulance peeps during my A&E placement in Malaysia during my 6 weeks electives. So I was quite eager when I found out that Dr Stephenson had allocated each of us a day with the paramedics.

I was in from 10 am til around 6 ish. By the end of the shift, my head has gone all woozy. The ride in the ambulance is definitely NOT a pleasant ride.

If you want to be a paramedic, these are some key points that you need to know beforehand!

1. You have to be a skilled driver. You must be able to drive at high speed, selit selit in between cars, driving onto pavements and be extra alert whilst driving. With the speed you are driving, you are very much prone to have an accident!

2. If you are not the driver, you have to be able to NOT to vomit throughout the whole journey. It is one bumpy ride, I tell you. You must have a strong stomach to be a paramedic! (I could have vomited if I were not fasting! )

3. If the seats in the back are full, you must be able to stand throughout the ride without bumping your head onto the headboard or falling over and hurting yourself. There is already shortage of paramedics. Don't hurt yourself!

4. You must be able to cannulate or intubate or able to perform any other related practical procedure whilst standing. (Remember, it is an extremely bumpy ride!)

5. You must be able to do basic life support by yourself! Things get more tricky when it comes to chest compression. One hand has got to hold on to the rail for support, so that leaves you with only hand to do the chest compression. Which is ridiculously tiring!

Oh I could not think of anything else to write. I did have fun with the paramedics yesterday though. Chris was superb. He has been a paramedic for 20 years, so you can guess how many interesting stories he has to share! He is just brilliant!

So now I am halfway through my A&E rotation. And for this week, I will be doing the nights shift. From 4pm til midnight til Friday and 7pm til 3 am shift on Saturday. Wohoo. Obviously it is not wise for me to go back to Sheffield in the middle of the night, so I will be staying in the hospital's accommodation for this whole week til Sunday. I have almost finished packing my stuffs. Man, my bag is extremely heavy! Loaded with food food and food!! Brahim, serunding, sardine, milk and everything else. You just name it. Huhu.

Hope I enjoy my night shifts this week. At the same time, I hope it passes by quickly as well. Haha. I will miss my comfy bed.

p/s: Halfway through Ramadhan! Fast, ain't it? Ramadhan Mubarak peeps.

Salams :)

One of those days. Sigh.

I remember complaining to Jen about my humiliating incident with Dr Venkat in his GP surgery.

"I can't even answer at least one of his questions. My brain just goes blank. Then he asked me to summarize a patient's case which I did so horribly that I felt like crying," I said.

"Yeah. It's just one of those days, isn't it?" She replied.

Yes. It is definitely one of those days today. One of those days when you feel completely stupid. Not knowing anything. Not able to do anything right. It is just one of those days that makes you feel like burying your head in a hole, hoping that nobody will disturb you with anymore questions, praying for the day to end as fast as possible.

That is exactly what I felt this morning.

It was my last day for my 8am to 4pm shift today. I did feel quite nice, going back in to hospital after a day off yesterday (Yesterday was my personal study day). I had quite a nice morning. The journey to Rotherham Hospital was smooth, and I was half expecting a rather good day today. But man was I wrong.

I went in, greet Ash, my SHO whom I am shadowing this week. She gave me a patient to see. A kid with rash. Without much hesistation, I went off to see the patient. For whatever reason, I could not find myself to take a good history from the mom. My English was all over the place. My bad day seemed to have started.

Later, I had to examine a guy who apparently has got a lot of interesting clinical signs. I went in, greet him and asked him a few questions whilst examining him. When I presented to Ash my findings, it turned out I missed a very important clinical finding. I forgot to check his tummy which is grossly huge. I felt stupid for missing that out. Later she asked me the signs of clubbing. I knew there are the 5 C's for GI causes of clubbing but could not get all of them. Which is even more frustrating!

Later, I had to see another lady who had a fall. Again she asked me a simple question which I just could not answer. By that time, I was at the end of my wits. I felt ridiculously dumb. I wonder what Ash must have think of me! I am doubting myself now. I understand if she feels the same way about my credibility to become a doctor next year.

Thankfully, there were no more cases in Major. I went in with a Registrar to the Minors and luckily managed to hide myself from the outside world for about 2 hours or so. Or to be more specific, to hide from Ash. Huhu. Oh well, she was the one whom suggested me to go with Dr Raj to the Minors as there were no patients in Major. Perhaps she was the one who can't stand having a thick medical student tagging her along. Huhu.

Argh. I hate this feeling of inadequacy. This must have just been one of those days, isn't it? Hopefully it is!!

Unplanned trip to Brussel

I am going to Brussels this weekend. Yes. This weekend. In the middle of semester. No, its not a holiday. My summer holiday is long gone. Oh well, yes, it is a Bank Holiday this Monday. But it is not as if it is like a proper holiday. But yes, I am going to Brussels with my sister this weekend. I just HAVE to go.

We have just planned it last week when Eza was here in Sheffield. And we just settled our Eurostar ticket and hotel today. And we are going in two days time. And because everything was handled at the eleventh hour, there goes our money down the drain....

As I mentioned earlier, we HAVE to go. Not because the ticket is cheap (heck, it is way the opposite of that). Not because we are dying to go to Brussels. Not because we feel like going for a weekend break in Europe. No. We have to go to Brussels because of my sister's problem with her Visa.

Don't know who is to be blamed for the problem of hers. Someone's plain stupidity and carelessness had almost cause her to pay extra 500 pounds to extend her visa so that she could say in UK legally for just 10 days. Crazy.

Problems after problems have been thrown in her way even before she set her foot in UK. And now she is about to leave UK for good, these problems just keep on coming. MasyaAllah. I wonder how you can cope with those problems, Eza!! Well, I guess what doesn't break you, make you stronger right? Kudos to you beb :)

Well, putting aside the fact that I might need to bring my tutorial to Brussels and also the fact that we will be fasting at that time, I do hope that we will be able to at least have a good time there. Hopefully the trip is worth our money.

Fasting and breaking fast in Brussels. Am quite looking forward to it actually. Hehe.

Salam Ramadhan to all.

Salams.

Ramadhan is here :)

I miss having mama or papa knocking on my door, 15 - 30 minutes before Fajr, waking me up for Sahur.

I miss going to Bazaar Ramadhan with either one of my siblings, bringing back home plastic bags filled with variety of kuih muih, only later to be scolded by mama because we bought a bit too many.

I miss breaking fast with all of the 12 familiar faces (including aqef, adam and the in laws), eating mama's delicious cooking.

I miss rushing to the nearby mosque in our kain sembahyang for tarawikh congregation and rushing back home after completing 8 rakaah of tarawih.

I miss the fun of baking cookies with mama and siblings in the kitchen, especially when I got to be the 'taster' if I am on my 'break'.

I miss the excitement of balik kampung, a few days before Raya.

I miss the joy of celebrating raya with my loved ones back at home.

Sigh. I certainly do miss quite a number of things. I could go on forever and the list will never end! Perhaps I should be thankful with what I have in front of me, instead of complaining and whining over the things that I don't have.

Ramadhan is making me feel a bit homesick. Moreover with all of those people over there, when I am stranded over here. I just can't help but feeling a bit left out.

Oh well, anyway I do hope that this Ramadhan will be better than the previous ones. A sacred month which doesn't come knocking on our door often must never be wasted.

*30 days to go!Oh, looks like I am already starting to counting the days*

Salams

Random

Muni and Atie are gone. It feels so quiet in the house. I guess I just have to get use to this. Thankfully my A&E shifts are keeping me busy, so I did not have the time to whine about the fact that all of my friends are gone.

I am in love with A&E. I don't know why, I just love it. I guess I love it because this is one of the placements where we actually get to do something. Which makes it feels so real. It has not even been a week since I've started A&E in Rotherham, but I had seen plenty of bizzare cases. Nice. Interestingly, it is quite different from Malaysia.

I've learned intubation and suturing. And now I am so keen to actually do it on a real person. Hahahah. Oh yeah, and I am still crazy about cannulating and taking bloods. I guess I will get bored of it once I am an F2 perhaps. Hahah.

This week I have a 10 am to 6 pm shift. Which is not so bad. I am tolerating it well. I just hate the fact that by the time I get home, it is already 7 ish. And the travelling really knocks me down. I will feel too knackered to do anything in the evening, hence, sleep is the only thing that I look forward to at night.

OOOhhh, Izyan has already gave birth to a lovely baby girl today!!! Ohmigod, I can't describe how relief and happy I feel for them both. Can't wait to see you in Ireland!! You are a MUMMY, Izyan! Oh wow. My primary school mate already has a child. Hehe.

OOooh, and Ramadhan is starting this Saturday!!!! Weee. I am excited!! Let this Ramadhan be better than the previous ones.

*Seventeen!!*

Another month. Should I start counting down the days? Hehe

Ok I want some sleep. Adios!

Bimbo

Cooked baked macaroni the other day. And I failed miserably. It is not like I have not cooked that before! I had, only like a million times. It was tasteless.

Again today, i cooked ayam paprik for dinner. Again, it tasted like crap! It tasted like DAUN ok! Too much daun limau purut. That was my diagnosis. I pitied Eica, having to eat the crappy paprik for dinner. And again, the same case as above, I have cooked paprik like a thousand time. It is like my specialty. Oh well, at least, I think it is.

And also today, I found out one of my white shirt that i loved got miraculously turned into green!! How? Stupidly, I managed to wash my newly bought green dress along with my newly bought white shirt which I only managed to wear once. And now, my white shirt is no longer white! Bohoo. Careless me.

What is wrong with me? I seemed to have forgotten how to do household chores! I forgot how to cook! I forgot how to wash! I feel like a bimbo. Has the 2 months summer holiday back home been the cause of my 'condition'? Honestly, I think it has. Hahahah.

September, come quick!

Missing whole loads of people. You know who you are.

XOXO

a&e rotation

I am starting my first day of Accident & Emergency Medicine rotation tomorrow. And boy, am I excited and nervous about it! I have done A&E a couple of times back home in Malaysia. Once for my Option and the second time for my Elective. Yeah, I enjoyed it so much that I did it twice. I guess I just love the adrenaline rush. The fact that we have no idea what could come through the doors. The fact that everything needs to be done STAT. The fact that every second matters. It was certainly an exhilarating experience to me.

From the next 4 weeks, I will be able to find out if A&E here is any different from A&E in Malaysia. Jihan said that it is. It might not be as adventurous as in Malaysia, that's what she said. Well, I will know for sure starting from tomorrow.

I am quite nervous as well. I have spent my weekend not doing anything at all. I also did not do any reading during my lecture week. I can only remember rather vaguely whatever that had been taught during the lectures. I seriously do hope they would not bombard me with much questions tomorrow. I am just about to start my rusty engine. It has gone quite rusty for 2 months now!!

And I do hope I get myself a nice SHO. And I do hope I will be able to get through it well, especially during the Ramadhan period. Oh Allah, I do need your help. Make me a stronger person please,emotionally and physically.

Back in sheffield

Hey im back. I thought I would be ditching my blog for good this year. but it turns out I still need my blog after all to rant all of my stupid, crazy and unpredictable emotions!

I am in my final year. Wohooo~! Crazy ain't it how time flies! I was talking to my coursemates this morning during the lecture break, reminiscing about the very first time we met. Funny. It seriously felt just like yesterday. And now, in a blink of an eye, 4 years had past. In a year time, insyaAllah, each of us will embark on our very own path of life.

I could not believe I actually got to say it; "I am a final year student". Weeee. Heheh. I longed for the time for me to say " I am no longer a student". Fuh. Imagine what that would feel like! Hehe.

Anyway, nobody is in Sheffield. Thankfully Muni and Atie is here to keep me company!! Eza is also still UK, so I planned to frequent her place to put this horrible homesick feeling at bay. Eza's leaving on 10th Sept. Muni and Atie are leaving on 18th if I'm not mistaken. That leaves me at least 7 days of misery before I got to smile again. Oh Allah, please give me strength..

I don't know what this year is going to be like. I am forcing myself to be positive. I am forcing myself to be happy. I am going to enjoy my final year. At least, I am going to try.

Ok this is completely a random entry. Anyway I miss ADAM & AQEF!!!!

*plasticcup* hehe

ciao for now

Is this goodbye?

I am going back home for my summer break tomorrow. And my feelings is all jumbled up.

Happy? Definitely. I am going home to my loved ones. The thought of seeing the familiar faces again never fails to bring a smile on my face.

And normally, that's it. That's it. Full stop. Period. I am going home. Yayyyy.

But things seems to be different for this year.

As much as I want to go back home, I don't want to go back home as much as well. Why? Because leaving for home this year means leaving my good friends for the past 4 years. Because leaving for home means goodbye.

I have been chucked here from KMB, not knowing a single soul. Alhamdulillah, by the end of 4th year, I've got myself a lovely group of friends. And I know I could not ask for more.

Eventhough we were not that close during our first years, our friendship seems to slowly bloom since then. It has bloom so beautifully that I don't want to let it go.

And now it seems like the time has come. It is time for us to bid our goodbye. They will be leaving me soon. Leaving me to survive another year of my very own final battle in Sheffield. By myself.

I will be alone next year. A fact that is still hard for me to grasp. I will be missing all of those laughters and dramas that we had. I will be missing the whole lots of them. That's a fact I know for sure.

Have a wonderful life, all of you. Till we meet again, insyaAllah..

Dah nak kawen dahhhhhh

(Subjek blog: Lelaki yang tidak memakai songkok itu)

Ohmigod. Cam tak sangka. Wa dah nak kawin minggu ni!!

That seems to be our favourite topic of conversation nowadays. Hehe. Kecoh. Memang kecoh. We have been talking on and ooooon about it eversince the first time he told us that he is planning to tie the knot. That was like, what? Back in November last year, if I am not mistaken. He told me via YM. Asking me to usha kasut Clarks kat sini. Nak buat hantaran. Sambil tersipu-sipu. Hehhe. That was when I found out he is planning to get married. And he told me keep it as a secret from the others for a while cause he said he is not ready to tell others yet. Amboi, kasut hantaran dah ready beli. Nak beritahu orang, tak ready lagi? Hehhehe.

Oh ye, "we" here is referring to me and my sisters yang jauh ketinggalan kat UK yang tak boleh join wedding Wa sebab Wa tak mau posptpone wedding dia even for a few weeks untuk tunggu kitorang pulang.

And, oh, Wa is one of our cousins. Our very very close cousin. And since we don't have a brother, dia macam sort of dah jadi a brother to us lah. A cool brother. A very cool one. Hehe. Bukan yang jenis control freak or whatsnot. Hehhe. Mintak lah apa pon, for sure dapat punya (tapi setakat ni, cubaan minta ampau dari Wa masih tidak berjaya!) A person yang never says No. Baik gila kot. Sentiasa redha dengan kitorang yang ngek ni. Hehe. Tapi takpe. Dia pon join gang kitorang. E-Remaja. Hahaha. Only we know what on earth that means. And now gang E-Remaja dah takda. Lagi-lagi bila ketua E-Remaja dah kawin. Bubar lah camni. Abis lah ahli E-Remaja lain. Terkapai-kapai! Ketua dah tak eligible dah!

Haish. And I am going to miss his wedding by one day. Wedding sebelah dia memang la tak dpt attend sebab it is this week. Wedding sebelah pompuan is a day before I sampai Malaysia. Argh. I know there will be pictures, but pictures can never replace the idea of being there on the wedding day for real.

Anyway, I know you might not even be reading this entry. If you are, abis la I . Hidung forver kembang la nanti. So cannot handle wan. Hahah. Anyway, congratulations mate!

Nerd

What's wrong with me? I am getting lazier and lazier by day.

I used to be the girl who can sit down and study for long hours straight without feeling bored or tired.

I used to be the girl who will feel guilty if I spend my free time doing something else apart from studying.

I used to be the girl who only took 20 - 30 minutes nap during the afternoon if I ever got too tired and woke up 20 - 30 minutes later and headed straight for the books once the nap time was over.

I used to be the girl who once refused to watch Anugerah Juara Lagu on the television because I convinced myself that it is not important, and it will not be tested on my exams.

Yes. I was nerdy and geeky. But I did not even feel that I am nerdy and geeky. I just feel that that was the right thing to do. That was what I was meant to do. To study. To excel in life. I am no genius. I know that. I need to work double as hard to achieve what I want to achieve in life.


But now, I am no longer that girl.

I am now the kind of girl who can only study for long hours when exam is nearing.

I am now the kind of girl who can only study for 1 hour at most (when exam is not lurking around the corner), and then easily become distracted with some other ridiculous, non useful, stuffs, like Facebook for instance.

I am now enjoying my life a bit too much. Huhu

I miss the old me. Sad, I know. I miss the old hardworking me. Because I know that I need the old me back because I just need the old me back.

Ok. Back to books. Not having exams at all this year is making me a slacker. huhu.

p/s: Gosh i sound like a weirdo. A nerd and a super geek. Hahaha.

Hoooooooome!

The summer break is the break that I (and I am sure all of the other students) look forward to the very most. Why? Because summer means home. Summer means family. Summer means friends. Aahh. Summer holiday is when majority of students will be flocking the airport to fly back home to our very own homeland.

The feeling when knowing that the date to go back home is nearing is just undescribable. It is more beyond excited. Secretly, if not outloud, we will be counting down the days. Every single day. Wishing and hoping that time will fly a bit faster.

I am in my 4th year and still, I am experiencing the exact same feeling that I used to have when I was in my very 1st year. Hehe. I guess the feeling never change.

Another thing that makes it interesting is the fact that we have to give gifts to those people back home. More like souvenirs from UK. Its not like we HAVE to. But it just does not seems appropriate not to buy them any. Well, that's just my thought anyway. I do it anyway because this means I get to SHOP! Hehe. It feels good anyway. To give presents to people. To see the anxious looks on their face, waiting to see what I have got them. The happy looks on their face when they finally got their hands on their gifts. That feeling is worthwhile. I feel like Santa Claus already, minus the beard and the belly. Hahah.

And now I am in my fourth year, I am running out of ideas on what to get them!! During the past years, I had bought them mostly shoes, handbags, purses, Sheffield engraved knives, Royal Alberts and stuffs like that. Now, I just am totally clueless what to find. Huhu. I am getting fed up of buying them the same things again. But, if I still do not manage to get them anything out of the ordinary, I might just have to stick to the ordinary then I guess.

Another week in Radiology. Another week in Nephrology. Another week of final lecture. And I am off home for 2 months. Excited? Definitely.

To forgive and forget.

To forgive and forget is not an easy thing to do.

Someone once told me (well, actually he just told me this just a few minutes ago. hehe) :

Anger is something that if you don't let go, it will haunt you. So, the only way to get past anger is to forgive the person that made you angry. As long as you keep that anger deep within you, the other person is the one who is winning. Cause you are the one who is stressing out and going all nutters just from thinking about it, whilst the other party is far from perturbed about it.

(Cilop from you. Takde copyright kan? Ngehehe)

So, who is at loss here? The angry person. Me, myself and I.

BUT, who am I kidding. I am no saint. For me, to forgive someone takes a LOT of effort. To forget all of those horrible things that one has done to you is one hell of a mission.

And to be fair, I think both parties need to play their part. What is the use if only one party makes the effort to patch things up, when the other party just could not be bothered?

Its not like I am not trying. I am. Trust me, I definitely am. It is just going to take a while. And a lot of effort, I guess. To put everything behind. To pretend that this never happens in the first place when it actually did. To pick things up from where we left things behind. It is one hard work, to be frank.

To mend a shattered glass. We can put in all of our effort and it might stick together again. To put a thousand pieces of glasses back together might take ages. But it will stick together again, as long as we try do something about it. But will it look as beautiful as before? I doubt it. The scars will still remain. To remind us of the past that never leaves us.

Sigh.

To forgive and forget. It is easier said than done.

Selfish?

Sometimes I feel as if I am selfish. Maybe I am. Oh no. Who am I kidding. I know I am. Maybe not extremely selfish. But that selfishness is there, coursing within my deep veins, blended with my blood.

This thought popped after an incident this afternoon. I had just finished attending a hip replacement surgery and was waiting for the bus to go home. Yes, I was too lazy to walk to the train station. I was too tired, and at that time, paying 1.50 pound for a 10 minutes bus ride seemed more tempting than a 30 minutes walk. I know walking is free, and I get to exercise which is good for my heart and arteries. But I could not be bothered. I just want to go back home as soon as possible. First day in Orthopaedic has drained me.

Anyway, I was in a line, waiting patiently for the bus to come. An old lady was standing in front of me. After 10 minutes of waiting, the bus arrived. The first gentleman got on the bus. Next, was the old lady in front of me. She was struggling to get on the bus. She was rather old. She has got a buggy full with her grocery shopping inside of it. Anyone could tell that she was struggling to get on the bus. I did too.

That was what that makes it worst. I realized that she was having some difficulty getting on the bus and yet I did not offer to help. I just stood there behind her, waiting for her to get on the bus. A few minutes passed by, and she was still not on the bus. My mind started to race, thinking perhaps she needs some help.

Until suddenly, she said "Thank you for your help"

Yes. She was saying that to me. I was astounded. Did I just say my thoughts out loud? Its either that or she is a superb mind reader! Or maybe that was a sarcasm remark. Which one? I have no idea. It might have been the sarcasm. Huhu.

So, realizing how stupid and selfish I was, I hurried to help her get her buggy on the bus. After getting her on the bus, I just put her buggy in the middle of the way and let her passed. I expected her to get a seat for herself because I was too busy paying for the bus ticket!

When I got to my seat, I thought "I am such a selfish biatch" Huhu. Pardon my language. But it is true. I could not help feeling guilty throughout the whole 10 minutes journey to train station. I hate myself for it and have promised myself that should a similiar incident occur again in the future, I must NOT let the same thing happen again.

I must help. In fact, I SHOULD be helping. Helping others is an attribute that I should have. It is just nature's rule. A doctor just have to have that trait embedded within oneself. And I am about to end this 5 years course of becoming a doctor, so why am I still being selfish? I shivered to think what kind of doctor would I be in a few years time..

Put a smile on your face =)

As promised, the second post of the day (my audit is waiting for me. what am i doing writing 2 entries in one go?!)

I called the cab, and the cab arrived less than 5 minutes later. As I climbed into the taxi, I was too emotionally drained. I just want a piece of mind. I planned to use the time in the cab to dread the fact that i am super late for my communication skill session.

But, no. That was not what that had happened.

The cab driver talks. And I mean talk. Like proper talk. Like a proper-conversation-talk. Not just a how-are-you-today-then-pure-silence-talk. He was a super duper extremely over friendly guy. Hehe.

He started off by asking me the usual question. "How was your morning today love?"

I told him I had a crappy morning, which obviously i did not go much into detail. And I thought it would just stop there. End of discussion. But no, he continued to talk and asked more questions about myself. I was not bothered to be frank. He seemed like a nice enough guy. So, we chatted for quite a bit. Hence, my plan for a piece of mind was thrown into the bin.

The reason I wrote this entry is because of a statement that he said to me.

"You are wearing a scarf. So, I guess you must be a muslim?"

"Yes, I am"

"Funny. I thought you look like a Christian"

I was taken aback by his remark. I look like a Christian? To be frank, I felt a bit insulted. I was curious to know what makes he think I look like a Christian.

"That's the first time someone had said something like that to me"

After an awkward silence, he said " You smiled"

I was confused. Was he trying to change the topic?

"You smiled a lot. All of those Muslims that I see, they don't smile. But you smile a lot. Not like them"

I smiled upon hearing his answer.

"All of the Christian nuns that I see, they wear headscarves like you. And they smile a lot. You wear headscarf. And you smile. So that's why I thought you are a Christian"

As you can guess, I was still smiling at that time. Only managed to say "Ookkkk..." Not entirely sure how to reply what he said.

And the conversation went on after that, talking a bit bout religion. He told me he does not believe in God, but only believes that in this world, there are good and bad people. I did not challenge much about that, as i was afraid he might chuck me out of the taxi if i said things wrongly. Which i do regret a bit right now. As i had the chance to enlighten him at least a tiny bit about Islam, but i did not had the guts to do so.

Anyway, the main thing that I would like to remind my friends and I (especially!) is we, as muslims, need to smile. Lighten up. Be nice unto others. Even to the nonbelievers. Obviously be nice to them accordingly. Remember, whatever we do in our lives reflects our religion. If we behave beautifully, in a way, we are showing to the world the beauty of Islam. Just imagine, something as simple as a smile might flicker the heart of the nonbelievers to learn more bout Islam. Interesting, huh. We all may not be capable to stand in front of a crowd and preach them about Islam, but we all certainly can smile!

A Beautiful yet crappy day

i had a crappy start today. i took the 8 am shuttle bus to get to northern general hosp (NGH) and arrived there around 0830. I was torn into two, either to attend a clinic with Dr Stewart or to attend another ward round with the SPR. I thought that i would benefit from the clinic more, so i decided to go to the clinic. Hence, i went to the outpatient department, and went to the reception, clarifying if Dr Stewart is having her clinic today at 9. They said no.

Ok, that's weird. Cause I know she has a clinic on Wednesday. That's what is said on the timetable. So I went in to the MacMillan Palliative Care Unit again, and asked one of the staff nurses if she knew anything about the clinic. She told me that Dr Stewart does has a clinic at 9. At the Chest clinic. Its a good thing i asked her where the chest clinic was. If I had not asked, i would have ended up in Chesterman Wing.

She told me to ask the reception at the hospital main entrance. So, there I go again. Bracing myself through the quite cold morning, I hassled myself to the hospital main building. The receptionist gave me the direction to the clinic. Which led me exactly back to the Outpatient Department 1. Ok. Not good. I was back to square one.

I told the reception at OPD 1 what happen. Then she told me that "Oh, that clinic must be at Outpatient Department 2 then,". Crap. Super crap. That is a long way from where I was then. I did not even have to think long before deciding that I am just going to miss the clinic and attend the ward round instead.

Which I did. And, as always, it was a depressing round. All of the patients are dying. One of them is too drowsy to stay awake. One of them looks like a bag of bones. Huhu. They are all in such a heart breaking condition. Which reminds me, one of the patients that I saw on Monday passed away on Tuesday. This is just a sad, sad placement..

By noon, i was supposed to clerk a patient for tomorrow's ward round, but he was too tired to talk. Fair enough. I will be talking to him the first thing tomorrow morning before the ward round. Later, I took some bloods. Alhamdulillah, this time i managed. I failed miserably last Monday, and my confidence level at that time was a bit low. Alhamdulillah, I managed to do it this time at first attempt. Haish, that was the first time I took blood since almost 9 months ago!

After Zuhr prayer, I had to rush off to St Lukes Hospice. Which is at the other end of Sheffield. Fantastic. I had never been there before. I had just managed to have a peek the night before at its website on directions to get there by bus. Which did not help. Joni texted me the directions to get there. But apparently, they were inaccurate directions.

I got lost by the time i stepped out of NGH. Tried to find the bus stop to catch bus 81 or 82, but failed. Apparently, I walked out to the wrong entrance. So, I had to walk all the way around that extremely and annoyingly HUGE NGH to get myself to the right entrance. Tried to find the right bus stop. But again, to no avail. It was rather hot at that time. My stomach was churning as I had nothing to eat since 7 am. Lets just say I was not in my best condition.

I grabbed the bus to city. I was completely clueless on how to get there from city centre. The 81 bus driver and I had quite a long chat, trying to figure out the best way for me to get there. Hehe. Bless him. He tried to help, but the plan didn't work out. Argh. I felt like crying at that time. Me and directions. Me and going places. Me and my bearing. ALWAYS FAILS.

It was 10 to 2. And my session starts at 2. Tears started to well up. As always. Huhu. I couldn't be bothered to find the right bus anymore. I just proceed with Johan's suggestion. Take the cab. How much it would cost me didn't matter at all to me at that time. I couldn't care less. I just want to be there. As fast as I can.

And i did. I took a cab, and arrived there 15 minutes late. Turned out, another 2 of our members got lost as well. Hey, I am not the only one. Hehe.

An interesting thing happen on my way to the hospice. Which will be written in the next post as this post is now getting too long. Hehe